negotiation - 03/22/13 05:47 AM
In advance, thank you for your replies. As so many that write, I'm sure it's nothing new to have a poster at their wits end....or is it?
This year we will celebrate 25 years of marriage. We've had our fair share of counseling, ups and downs. Our marriage counseling started with His Needs Her Needs. The foundation should have been there from the beginning, but it's through experience and practice and putting two messed up people together to figure out how to live together in harmony that proves whether you got the message or not.
In our late 20's, it was very difficult to get my husband to go to counseling. Early on our first counselor, a pastor friend from the next town over, suggested we record ourselves arguing. We have always argued. At first, I thought it was a game but it wasn't a game for my other half, it was down right competition to see who'd win. Well, I'm a horrible debater and worse at it the older we get. Word recall isn't there. In fact, the choleric I married found his victim to be enchanted yet bewildered by her husband's character, which is very abnormal from the family she grew up in. I do not like to argue to be mean, demeaning or anything of that nature. Nor do I like my points thrown in my face against me, which he is the master at.
About 7 years ago, we had a pretty big overhaul in our marriage. My husband was very verbally abusive, negative, and hurting with his demeanor toward myself and our children. He was also jealous of my successes. We received counseling via internet by someone who understands his personality type and for many years it seemed we'd figured it out.
Over the past several years, I've developed more physical problems. I'm in the midst of the change, my back has several herniated discs and I've developed really bad hypoglycemia. At 40, everything changed, I thought I was in good physical condition and found myself for several months on bed rest.
Here's the kicker, my husband has always told me my ailments were in my head. I wish they were, it took an MRI to prove I had 3 herniated discs to show I wasn't making up my pain. I've put on 30 pounds over the past few years. I'm not unattractive, but certainly not as attractive I was and find myself in a catch 22. If I even try to eat/perform as before, adrenal fatigue/hypoglycemia/and the back problems hold me back and understandably so. My husband is equally overweight.
I figure he cycles every 6 months or so. Today, after recording some of our arguing, I went back and looked and sure enough, the last time he cycled, he was telling me how he wanted to be away from me. That statement alone is a very low blow. When I sent him the recording, he did not apologize but changed his attitude. We seemed to do alright until Christmas, then there was another argument I'd found and forgotten about. And then there's these most recent recordings over the past 2 days. Why? I'd had it. In February I started to get depressed, my husband puts me down, tells me I don't do anything, & doesn't appreciate me. He's rejected me as his help mate.
I think right now, things could get better if I'd let the "No apology" slip by...again, but I'm 44 years old and I'm thinking, I deserve an apology. But he isn't sorry. Btw, my husband, this is probably his only fault. I could rave about what a great man he is but this little thing is really a downer.
I also don't think it's fair to our church. He's a pastor. I've told him that I wanted change or I'll expose him. Why would he continue to justify his actions and not open his eyes to see? In fact, he is the master flipper. He's the victim of course and doesn't feel loved/respected. He gets upset over trivial things. I've asked him up front what is his problem? I have hormones that sometimes make me edgy, what is his problem?
Even this evening he wanted to do the love tank deposits and WE will learn how to love each other. I'm thinking. been here done that, it didn't work. I'm asking for an apology for rejecting me as his help mate and to learn how to appreciate/love me rather than continue to beat me down. UGH! I'm not negotiating this!
So I've put it out there that I'm going to be sending these recordings of him the way he talks to me to people in our church. Do I give him a month to find an apology or do I go ahead and expose him? Honestly, I love my life and home and it would ruin everything. I told him not to sleep here tonight, didn't work, so I'm in the living room typing.
This year we will celebrate 25 years of marriage. We've had our fair share of counseling, ups and downs. Our marriage counseling started with His Needs Her Needs. The foundation should have been there from the beginning, but it's through experience and practice and putting two messed up people together to figure out how to live together in harmony that proves whether you got the message or not.
In our late 20's, it was very difficult to get my husband to go to counseling. Early on our first counselor, a pastor friend from the next town over, suggested we record ourselves arguing. We have always argued. At first, I thought it was a game but it wasn't a game for my other half, it was down right competition to see who'd win. Well, I'm a horrible debater and worse at it the older we get. Word recall isn't there. In fact, the choleric I married found his victim to be enchanted yet bewildered by her husband's character, which is very abnormal from the family she grew up in. I do not like to argue to be mean, demeaning or anything of that nature. Nor do I like my points thrown in my face against me, which he is the master at.
About 7 years ago, we had a pretty big overhaul in our marriage. My husband was very verbally abusive, negative, and hurting with his demeanor toward myself and our children. He was also jealous of my successes. We received counseling via internet by someone who understands his personality type and for many years it seemed we'd figured it out.
Over the past several years, I've developed more physical problems. I'm in the midst of the change, my back has several herniated discs and I've developed really bad hypoglycemia. At 40, everything changed, I thought I was in good physical condition and found myself for several months on bed rest.
Here's the kicker, my husband has always told me my ailments were in my head. I wish they were, it took an MRI to prove I had 3 herniated discs to show I wasn't making up my pain. I've put on 30 pounds over the past few years. I'm not unattractive, but certainly not as attractive I was and find myself in a catch 22. If I even try to eat/perform as before, adrenal fatigue/hypoglycemia/and the back problems hold me back and understandably so. My husband is equally overweight.
I figure he cycles every 6 months or so. Today, after recording some of our arguing, I went back and looked and sure enough, the last time he cycled, he was telling me how he wanted to be away from me. That statement alone is a very low blow. When I sent him the recording, he did not apologize but changed his attitude. We seemed to do alright until Christmas, then there was another argument I'd found and forgotten about. And then there's these most recent recordings over the past 2 days. Why? I'd had it. In February I started to get depressed, my husband puts me down, tells me I don't do anything, & doesn't appreciate me. He's rejected me as his help mate.
I think right now, things could get better if I'd let the "No apology" slip by...again, but I'm 44 years old and I'm thinking, I deserve an apology. But he isn't sorry. Btw, my husband, this is probably his only fault. I could rave about what a great man he is but this little thing is really a downer.
I also don't think it's fair to our church. He's a pastor. I've told him that I wanted change or I'll expose him. Why would he continue to justify his actions and not open his eyes to see? In fact, he is the master flipper. He's the victim of course and doesn't feel loved/respected. He gets upset over trivial things. I've asked him up front what is his problem? I have hormones that sometimes make me edgy, what is his problem?
Even this evening he wanted to do the love tank deposits and WE will learn how to love each other. I'm thinking. been here done that, it didn't work. I'm asking for an apology for rejecting me as his help mate and to learn how to appreciate/love me rather than continue to beat me down. UGH! I'm not negotiating this!
So I've put it out there that I'm going to be sending these recordings of him the way he talks to me to people in our church. Do I give him a month to find an apology or do I go ahead and expose him? Honestly, I love my life and home and it would ruin everything. I told him not to sleep here tonight, didn't work, so I'm in the living room typing.