I have read both HNHN and LB. I filled out my emotional needs and gave them to my wife. She read through my answers and became very concerned that I had listed honest and openness as 7th on my list. I am having a very difficult time explaining that although my needs ranked it at 7th, it doesn't mean it isn't important to me and that i don't think it is critical in a successful marriage - because i do, it just doesn't give me warm fuzzies. She has started reading the books, but mostly jumped to the honesty and openness chapter in the HNHN book. I'm over here scratching my head about the questionaire backfiring on me. Any suggestions?

She doesn't get to choose what your most important needs are.

Also ENs change as the R changes, you age, etc.

You probably listed it low because she has probably been O&H with you. Ya think?

But, what can I do to help explain the concept?

Has she read HNHN also?

The Most important Emotional Needs

mostly just the O & H chapter.

Did you see this?

What about having her listen to Dr. Harley explain it?

Radio Clip of Dr. Harley Explaining the ENs

Here's another.
Radio Clip

I don't understand what the problem is. Can you explain what the basic issue?

Radical honesty is a basic concept of this program regardless of whether or not O/H is an emotional need. Does she understand that?

Brain, i listened to those two audio clips and i didn't feel they cleared up or focused on H&O. Maybe they weren't the intended clips?

They were supposed to help to explain, from Dr. H, how everyone has their own ENs. Did you not get that?

Your DW not believing your placement of O&H is a DJ.

Will your DW come here an post?

Did you want clips on O&H?

Clips on O&H would be great

Don't pigeon hole yourself into talking with her only about O&H. There has to be a way of diluting the conversation into more than that.

How about you try talking about her needs? I suspect O&H are close to #1 on her list. Seek to understand her perspective. Maybe then you'll be given the opportunity to explain to her your persepective.

Everyone ranks their needs differently. Honesty and openness are for me #1. For my husband it's SF. His top needs are important to me because I care about him. And hopefully vice versa.

I think often times the way we rank our needs is based on what we feel we don't get. Usually our spouse's top needs are going to rank lower for us because they generally meet those naturally. So if H&O is a top need for her, she will likely meet it for you easily, making it a lower priority on your list. Just like if I feel like I'm getting more than enough SF I'll probably rank that as lower. How we rank emotional needs are more reflective of what we feel we need to receive, not so much what we are willing to give.

Really all 10 needs are vitally important to all of us. If one of them is missing we are likely to feel at least some degree of discontent.

Maybe try to explain it that way and see if that helps.

Asking the question again since I STILL have absolutely no idea what the problem is. You say H&O is 7th on your list. So what? What is the issue with that? Why is that a problem?

I don't get it.