Getting Over Financial Infidelity...Trusting Again - 05/20/13 06:36 PM
I am about 3 months away from being able to pay the final bill of my 6-figure divorce debt. For those who don�t know my story: my ex ran up my credit cards behind my back and committed many other acts of �financial infidelity� that devastated me. 4 years ago I didn�t know HOW I was going to pay these debts off but with a little discipline and a LOT of saying NO I am approaching the end.
Since I�m military and also have a side business I make much more than most men I�ve dated, and even guys who make decent money often also "divorce broke" so I haven�t judged them for not having their financial act together. But now that I'm about to pay off this debt I'm REALLY noticing a change in my mindset about men and money.
I�ve been seeing for about 10 months now a man who has significant divorce debt of his own. He has a plan to pay the debts off but internally I feel like he could be doing more to pay them off faster. I am a busy bee at heart and I�m trying not to judge him for being less aggressive in this area. While we get 15 hours UA time he still spends a significant portion of each night and weekend on the couch watching TV. This wouldn�t bother me if he weren�t in debt. I feel like he should (yes, I know this is a DJ) be spending some of that time earning extra money so that he can get out of debt and possibly save up for a ring or a down payment on a house.
He mentioned the other day how if things continue he can really see us getting married. That would be great except I don�t want to be married to his ex�s debt and I feel incredibly shallow for thinking this (so haven�t told him). The other problem is, he has always been �the man� in our relationship and has no idea of how much money I actually make. As I pondered the possibility of marriage I realized I didn�t WANT him knowing how much I made. I realized I would be the type of woman who changes my automatic deductions and hides her pay statement from her man so that she would never fall into the trap again of letting a man become a freeloader and spend all of her paycheck.
If you can�t be honest with someone, you shouldn�t consider marrying them, right? He is a very trustworthy man and has given me no indication he would �turn into my ex.� So I need to deal with this.
Have any of you (or someone you know) recovered from a huge financial blow from a previous spouse? How did you (or they) let go?
Since I�m military and also have a side business I make much more than most men I�ve dated, and even guys who make decent money often also "divorce broke" so I haven�t judged them for not having their financial act together. But now that I'm about to pay off this debt I'm REALLY noticing a change in my mindset about men and money.
I�ve been seeing for about 10 months now a man who has significant divorce debt of his own. He has a plan to pay the debts off but internally I feel like he could be doing more to pay them off faster. I am a busy bee at heart and I�m trying not to judge him for being less aggressive in this area. While we get 15 hours UA time he still spends a significant portion of each night and weekend on the couch watching TV. This wouldn�t bother me if he weren�t in debt. I feel like he should (yes, I know this is a DJ) be spending some of that time earning extra money so that he can get out of debt and possibly save up for a ring or a down payment on a house.
He mentioned the other day how if things continue he can really see us getting married. That would be great except I don�t want to be married to his ex�s debt and I feel incredibly shallow for thinking this (so haven�t told him). The other problem is, he has always been �the man� in our relationship and has no idea of how much money I actually make. As I pondered the possibility of marriage I realized I didn�t WANT him knowing how much I made. I realized I would be the type of woman who changes my automatic deductions and hides her pay statement from her man so that she would never fall into the trap again of letting a man become a freeloader and spend all of her paycheck.
If you can�t be honest with someone, you shouldn�t consider marrying them, right? He is a very trustworthy man and has given me no indication he would �turn into my ex.� So I need to deal with this.
Have any of you (or someone you know) recovered from a huge financial blow from a previous spouse? How did you (or they) let go?