Hi everyone, I'm looking for opinions on this scenario:

You are a married, working student. You planned to celebrate the end of exams with your classmates (male and female). You told your spouse a week or so in advance. On the day that you are supposed to go out with your classmates your spouse asks you to go out to dinner with him/her instead.

What is your immediate response?

First off, I would not be wasting my free time on a "celebration" that did not include my spouse. That is the first red flag.

But let's say she enthusiastically agreed that you do that without her, it sounds as if she has changed her mind. The solution would be to negotiate a solution that makes you both happy.

What are your priorities? Your friends and a party, or your spouse and your marriage?

If one spouse wants to do something that the other spouse objects to, then the default solution is to not do that activity.

Then the two of you seek an alternative agreeable solution for a joint activity that you both are enthusiastic about.

Your resentment from Not being able to do the independent activity is called Type A resentment.

The resentment that your spouse would feel if you ignored their feelings and followed through with your independent plans would create Type B resentment.

Type B is more harmful to the marriage relationship than the Type A resentment would be.

Is an option for your spouse to attend this party offered and available if they wanted to go too?

They may not want to go anyways.

Keep the long term goal of marriage as a lifetime committed union on your mind and see which activity would enhance your lifelong marriage versus the other choice.

LTL

Well, my immediate response is relief at the prospect of spending an evening alone with my wife instead of with a bunch of other people.

Like the others, I'd be happy my partner is open with me and feel confident we'd find a solution we both liked. I'm not uncomfortable being the only one who brings my spouse. And I hang with folks I like, so they tend to invite their partners, too. Why we even include kids and dogs to different things

Dr. Harley recommends that any independent recreational activities only take place under the following conditions:

* You are each other's favorite recreational companions (you are following the policy of undivided attention: 15 or more hours alone together each week)
* Your spouse is enthusiastic about the activity
* The activity is not with members of the opposite sex

I'd eliminate any recreational activity that can't meet these conditions.

Thanks for the quick responses. I'm not the working student spouse. And I did leave out a very pertinent detail, though I think Melody Lane pretty much simplified it. The detail I left out is that we're actually separated, but working on the marriage. I'm not interested in going. It's at a bar and I don't go to bars. It is a red flag for me though.

My immediate response is to start negotiations to find a solution we are both happy with. I would not go to the celebration if he did not want me to go. I also would not go out to dinner with him unless I loved the idea. We would stay home and discuss it until we had a plan we both liked.

It really doesn't matter - the Policy of Joint Agreement applies to behavior in the moment it is taken, not the moment it was agreed to. Dr. Harley frequently covers examples where somebody enthusiastically agreed, but then when it came time to do it, they were no longer enthusiastic. The POJA specifies you don't do it.

As a matter of fact, I had a whole radio show with Dr. Harley about this. He gave a great example of the one time Joyce went with him to a baseball game. They left in the middle of the game!

Question: when you told your spouse you were going - did you ask how she felt about it? Was she enthusiastic, or reluctant? (pick one)


So is she reluctant about it now? If she is reluctant about you going, don't go.

If she's fine with you going, but lacking time with you, you might see how she feels about doing both.

I WOULD TAKE HER WITH ME TO ANY SOCIAL GET TOGETHERS. I wouldn't want to be apart from my wife, and I wouldn't want to be with people who don't welcome her.

Is this a "no spouses" event? I assume spouses are welcome to everything in the world unless otherwise specified. And when people specify otherwise, I don't go.

Yep, I wouldn't go to a bar even if my wife were enthusiastic about it! Some things are just a bad idea period.

And while working on the marriage I wouldn't have other recreational activities. That fails Dr. Harley's first test: are you each other's favorite recreational companion?

Is he going to go without you?

Men who are separated and working on their marriages should turn cartwheels of joy when their wives give them an opportunity to go out with them.

Is he dating you for 15 hours each week?

Has he eliminated demands, disrespect, and anger?

That's what I thought!

After lots of negotiation he spent the evening with me. Actually, the negotiation was successful when SF was put on the table. I am wondering if that is a good thing or bad thing.

We are not hitting 15 hours since he started school. Worse this past month because of all the extra studying, but hopefully with exams done, we can increase or UA time again.

He has been really good with eliminating AO's but disrespectful judgments are a big problem between us.... I think selfish demands naturally follow as well.

If it does not increase, I would not recover with him. Nothing should be taking a back seat to UA.

What do you mean... put on the table??!!!!

Seriously though, SF should be something that happens naturally when two people are in love. Even when there's scheduled SF it should be something done for itself - it shouldn't be a bartering tool.

Are you genuinely enthusiastic about having SF and who 'put it on the table'? Did you offer or did he ask?

Wasn't your question answered on here?
Radio Clip of BetrayedP's Question