Hi All,

I'm new here, have been on a path of self development recently (I'm a recovering doormat) and I'm wanting to be a better man personally and also in my marriage, wanted to ask here as this seems to be a good place for dialog regarding marital issues in general.

I'm a 41 year old guy who's been married for 13 years, and with my wife for 22. We've got 2 kids, and the marriage at this point feels very stale. We're more like roommates with kids and semi regular intercourse.

I don't feel we have any real big issues between us, no affairs that I'm aware of, there are some dynamics that are in flux at the moment as I get more assertive, but one thing to note is I am becoming a lot more expressive emotionally and I'm really wanting her to become more verbally expressive and to start being more physically there for me. Not more sex even, just more physical connection.

The sex is there, but the love feels like it's not. She's not a real expressive person in general, and her attitude is that her just being around shows that she cares. We don't have a lot of physical habits of loving (sitting next to each other, rubbing shoulders, hugging, kissing w/o sex, etc). There was more while we dated, but it leveled off after we got married & had kids.

She also doesn't feel it's an issue - her parents are similar. When I see them, I see people that do enjoy each other (sometimes), but they don't give off any vibe that their partner is special to them in any way.

So I go back and forth with this in my head - one one hand, I wonder if my wanting us to have more verbal and physical / non-sexual habits is just me being needy and something I shouldn't concentrate on or care about as I pursue my own goals, and the other where it feels like I'm really not being needy or out of line, and that what I'm wanting is reasonable. And if that is the case, is my wanting us to step things up really "asking her to change"? I don't feel like us working on being expressive is asking her to change, but she's very much internalized this as a part of who she is...

I don't know - is wanting to feel loved (as a guy I mean) just Disney crap, or is this a legitimate need that I should expect to be fulfilled with some more communication? I have read some of Dr. Harley's plans, but right now I feel like the only one that would be working on them even after discussion.

tonedef,

Wanting to be love is a very real need, in fact one of the things which Dr Harley said drove him to develop this program was that he observed in his own family that most of the marriages were unhappy, or more accurately had lost the romantic attachment.

While you can't entirely discount an affair, I would ask if your W keeps in touch with men from her past.

Read up on some of the threads here you are bound to hit upon one or more which will give you some insight into the state of your marriage.

Gamma

I think if your wife feels in love with you, you will get that love you want back from her. Since you found this site first, you get to start!

For her to feel in love, then her Love Bank account needs to have a positive balance. You need to add to it by meeting emotional needs.

Read about Emotional Needs. Try to figure out what her top 5 are. Is she always asking you to take out the garbage or other household chores? Then perhaps Domestic Support. Is she asking you to help out with the kids? Then Family Support. Does she wish you all had more money or you weren't spending money on a hobby that only you do? Financial Support. Etc. etc.

Also make sure you are eliminating Love Buster. Be honest and tell her what you are doing. If something bothers you, respectfully let her know. Are you being independent? Doing things without consulting her?Stop it.

Start spending 15 hours of time together each week, preferably on dates, where you have conversation, affection, recreation and afterwards maybe SF. 20 hours is better if she is currently not in love with you, which is probable.

No amount of vacuum cleaning or helping with the kids will get you the rewards you will get with spending time together doing fun and new things.

PS The time spent without the kids and without the presence of your own home (that needs to be cleaned and all, which is distractive).

There will be something in this program that appeals to her too which you can use to sell her on it.

Think: what's her main complaint?

Can you explain what was behind needing to be a doormat in your relationship? For example, were you behaving that way to avoid anger outbursts?

In what ways are you becoming more assertive/ expressive emotionally?

Are you doing so in ways that would cause her to stay in love with you (avoiding lovebusters)?

This poster posted once, over 3 weeks ago. Are y'all expecting a response after all this time?