Hi,
A friend told me about this web site and I've been looking it over for awhile, got a lot of good info from it and have tried applying it to my marriage.

A few questions that I haven't figured out on the forum:

What's plan A and plan B? A search doesn't work. Sounds like a plan when things can't be fixed. Also, some of the items that are referred to in the basic principles are hard to follow through on and get more information, but I'm sure that in time, I can figure it out.

I've got one problem (that may be a problem) that I'm going to eventually post regarding an issue that we're having, and have to figure out where to post it. It regards some trust issues I'm having with my wife, and feel that she is not telling me the whole truth about some things that bother me.

For the most part, things are reasonably good after a rocky start for the first few years. We've got 20 years behind us, run a successful business together and have time for fun with some fun travel and trips.

check this out

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

It is typically applied when there is an affair. [thanks for posting link to article, KPT]It is used in other situations where separation is warranted. [abuse, extreme neglect]


Can you be more specific?

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

Very good, thanks, and that's kind of what I thought it would be, but a bit more dramatic, in that plan B looks like the end.

Fortunately not for me at this time, and I hope never.

That post really looked pretty specific as to what plan A and B is. While we do have some things that I have a problem with, I hope it won't ever lead to plan A or B. But I do have some trust issues that I need to get off my chest at some point in time to figure out if there really IS and issue.

I've read a lot about this technology in "spying" on your husband or wife and find it pretty comprehensive.

Question I have on this, is at what point do you want to start to implement this sort of equipment? I assume you are at the point where you have totally lost your trust in your wife or husband.

What can we help you with?

You will need to describe the issue if you ever expect help with it.

LTL

You should do it the second you have suspicions. The sooner the better. People don't lose trust without good reason.

Thanks for letting me know this, but that's what I assumed.

I am not ready to post my problem yet, need to learn more about this site and read more of the responses to get a feel for the level of help here. There's a lot of good basic information, but I will need more specifics as time goes on, if I cannot solve the issue I have.

One concern that I can see here is that there seems to be a lot of pressure to disclose a lot of information which some people are not comfortable with. I may have some problems with disclosing information but need to get enough across to get the job done.

Tom, being brand new too I hear you 100%. I've lurked for a while and my general feeling is that to people reaching out for full disclosure just want the full disclosure to get the "real" and "big" picture in order to provide what they feel is the best and most accurate feedback and guidance. It's like that with any forum really.

This is a such a damned hard thing to nail down, these problems and solutions. There's a lot of point of views and definitely followers of those point of views and one size does not fit all. One can only hope they've done enough research to know they feel they've picked the right path for help and success.

I can guess what the problem is and offer a suggestion.
Is your butter burning in the frying pan? It is because the heat is too high. You will need to turn the heat down and slowly Melt the butter.
Julia Childs explains this on her t.v. show.
If this answers your unspoken concern, please let me know.
if its another issue you are dealing with, also please let me know.

Really don't understand this reply at all.

KPT,

You make a very good point. I agree that one size does not fit all, and I see a lot of post where the people who have been here for awhile want to put everyone into the same solution, with no flexibility. I have a hard time with that, because everyone is different. And I realize that they are following the teachings that are presented by the Marriage Builders ideals, they seems to go overboard at times that there is no other way. That may be ok with a lot of problems, but often solutions can be very different for different people.

I am very reluctant to be put into a cookie cutter solution, even though some people can do that.

But there are a lot of good bits of information here that can be very helpful, and just reading the basics on and off lately, there is a ton of good information.

That's because usually people want to cherry pick from the Marriage Builders plans, and the Marriage Builders plans don't work when you do that. So people try to conceal pieces of information from us because they have read enough to know what we will tell them if we know the full story. They want to hear that it's going to work even if they don't follow the full plan, so they conceal the details so they can get some friends to tell them it's going to work for a few months while their marriage goes down the tubes. That way they can avoid doing what needs to be done and feel good about it in the face of disaster.

If you don't want a cookie cutter solution, you need to give MORE details, not less. Marriage Builders has lots and lots and lots of specific details and customizations for different situations like if there is an affair or alcoholism or abuse in a marriage. But if you conceal that stuff you get a cookie cutter solution that DOESN'T WORK and then you can go say Marriage Builders didn't work when the truth was you just already know what we would say if we knew the full story, and you didn't want to do that, so you choseto conceal some details from us and accept a cookie cutter solution.

"Cookie cutter solution" is code for "I know what you're going to tell me and I don't want to do it."

Been there, done that here 1000x times.

Melody,

That's an interesting approach and worth looking into. But what if you have a small suspicion and would rather not go ballistic with all this tech stuff to spy on your partner, wouldn't it be better to just talk to them and as least hear them out?

Of course if they don't tell the details about HOW they are different, nobody will know how to advise them other than a cookie cutter solution.



You already know what we'll tell you and don't want to do it.

Prove me wrong!

How is quietly checking up on your spouse "going ballistic"?

Are you married?

Legally?

No, because they lie.

Check up on them quietly until it is boring. That will cause you to not invest any more effort than is necessary.

Posts merged.

Do as I did, read as much as you can. I was also sceptical at first. Now I know the concepts are not based on just a theory, but on research. And Dr. Harley has managed to transform this research into a idiotproof plan. I haven't discovered any study that contradicts the basic concepts. I did find studies that support what Dr. Harley teaches.

I studied mechanical engineering and like logic. This "clicks" in my brain. It is logic and well balanced.

It's like IKEA for marriage. There are components and tools, any nitwit can follow the instructions and build the furniture. If you leave a component out, it will most likely fail. You can leave some screws aside and glue the thing together, but when you follow the plan, the end result will be more durable and less likely to fall apart. A table falling apart is not so bad, a marriage falling apart is what we want to avoid.

People love to take shortcuts to get to the end result. The thing about marriagebuilders, every shortcut is already in there. If you skip more, you probably skip an essential part and get bad results.

Please contact the moderators about the use of multiple aliases. [Homelover] This thread is now locked until resolved.

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