There's an article about when the husband is not getting his sexual needs met, but what about when the wife isn't? I know that he must be masturbating or something because when we do have sex, and he "ejaculates" there is hardly anything there. An article should be written here about the wife's sexual needs too. Also may look into the husband wearing a chastity device so that he doesn't as easily masturbate.

Have you asked him if he is masturbating?
There can be physiological factors which effect sexual performance also.

Also i dont know how a chastity device would assist you.
That is from the middle ages when the church taught that masturbation would cause illnesses and sone parents made their children wear them. I doubt your husband would be willing to wear one if he is of a full mind.

Dr. Harley is very concerned about the wife getting her sexual need met as well.

The first thing to check for is porn use or an affair. What snooping have you done? A man involved in either of these things will often have a decreased interest in sex with his wife.

Another problem could be low testosterone. Has he had those checked lately?

Those are a couple of areas that you can start investigating to solve this problem.

It is solvable.

How old are you and how long have you been married? Any children? Any history of affairs or porn use?

Maybe something else is wrong. Pressure is a huge thing for men. If he's feeling pressure to perform it has a very detrimental effect. Perhaps it's a pre-mature ejaculation situation. Look up how to help on that.

I mean seriously, a chastity device for your husband? Instead, have you tried just talking to him about it in a calm, non-love busting manner?

I can relate. It can be very frustrating. The whole world (it seems) knows men need sex but women aren't supposed to...or are bad girls if they do. LOL

**edit**

That said, I see the Marriage Builders material on this site as a compliment to a happy sex life...I mean if you're happily in love then pleasing the other person is top priority.

He always says he never masturbates.

No, there are modern chastity devices now that are used to help a man be more devoted to his wife. From what I read, it really increases the man's desire toward his wife.

I have a phone app on his phone, but he hasn't let me on his computer, I only have a user account.

5 months into our relationship I found he had been "chatting" with prospects on dating sites (dated 4-5 months into our relationship). Also phone #'s on sticky notes (that may have been from before we were dating). That was a year ago. Now he says I should trust him no questions asked. I'm not ready to do that yet. He accuses me of having "trust issues".

He certainly felt no pressure to perform in the first 6 months of our relationship! Yes I would seriously at least want to try with the chastity device. It wouldn't hurt I'm sure. Maybe only help. If we're married, **EDIT** mine anyway. That's what the bible says.

I suspect he may be having sex or masturbating.
Can you afford to hire a private investigator to find out?
Also, can you place spyware on his phone?

Could you please answer these?

"What if the wife is not getting sex" is an extremely common question that Dr. Harley addresses frequently. He has a series of steps you should follow to try to resolve this problem in your marriage.

But expressing outrage that supposedly nobody ever talks about this problem is counterproductive. Dr. Harley has a solution - learn it and try it. If you will listen carefully to the posters here and answer their questions and follow what they say Dr. Harley suggests, you will probably be able to resolve this problem.

I don't know anyone who believes that women don't need sex or aren't supposed to enjoy it and that sounds like an offensive caricature directed at my faith or my culture, to be honest, and discussing such generalities and hypotheticals is never helpful to saving a marriage. The problem is not that some people think women shouldn't enjoy sex (if anyone really thinks that). The problem is not that Dr. Harley doesn't address this issue (he does). The problem is that a woman is not getting her emotional needs met in her marriage. There are a series of solutions Dr. Harley recommends trying for that.

There was a radio show about a wife who had higher sex drive than her husband. (I think it was in June.) Dr. Harley addressed the problem very comprehensively.

I think this may be the show apples123 is referring to.

Radio Clip
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4
Segment #5

I think his response is concerning and I would hire a PI and/or investigate as others have suggested. No one should ever trust anyone "no questions asked." That is how affairs and pornography addictions develop. Giving you this unrealistic response sounds like he has something to hide. And accusing you of having "trust issues" is a common tactic to gaslight you into self-doubt and shift the focus from his secrecy to your "issues."

With that said, I'm very confused about how you can make a man who will not share his computer account with you wear a chastity device.

***EDIT***

Please advise this poster using Marriage Builders principles, or refrain from posting.

I don't know. I thought I'd try

I appreciate your input. Thank you. I was beginning to think something was wrong with me.

I did have spyware on his personal phone, then he had it "reset" because he said it was using too much data. I think he had an idea there was something on it though, because it's been on his phone for 6+ months, and there was no "data problem" in the past.

Did you find anything on his phone?
Did you try and talk to him?

I have to say that I don't regret putting spyware on his phone. I think I had/have a right to know who he is calling and what he is doing. At the very least where he is. I noticed some contacts were changed from a female name to a similar male name, but for the same #. I didn't bring that up because then he would know. BUT when I try to look at anything on his phone he is extremely on guard. Interesting that I got the app on in the first place.

Did you speak to him about the chastity belt?

This is a red flag, and you need to keep snooping. Do not talk to him about it.

As others have said, it could be other factors (stress, health conditions) but in light of additional evidence you've shared, this sounds like masturbation or worse.


Right. He could be lying or he could be having an affair and actually isn't masturbating.


If he is getting satisfaction outside of his relationship with you then of course he doesn't want you to know. In a caring relationship, you don't hide anything from your spouse.


Were you exclusive to each other at this point? How long have you been married? If you were exclusive to each other then this is very suspicious. Some guys (like me ) have a hard time committing to one woman through no fault of the woman. Dr. Harley talks about this a lot on the radio show. He calls this a renters relationship. He has a book on this topic:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6080_buyer.html

Hi everyone, The article on snooping says:

Don't be separated overnight. But if it's impossible to avoid, create precautions that would make having an affair while you're apart essentially impossible.

My question is, How do you make it essentially impossible? I would just like more clarification. Thanks

He refused the chastity belt. He did allow me to "see if it would fit". I couldn't get it around the testicles and he wasn't helping. I know, I know.

Yes, we were exclusive to each other at the time. It's kind of surprising because he had the profiles printed and under some other papers in a corner. I know that on Facebook he's recently "poked" women that were his friends too. Printed and saved that screen.

Why is it "impossible" to be together every night?

I didn't see this answered. How long married? Any kids?

Are you actually married?

You said you had been dating for 4-5 months a year ago, how new is this marriage?