I've looked to no avail for this question. Not having found it, here it is. I'm pretty new to MB. I think seriously that my W and I would benefit greatly by doing home study course. But I don't have enthusiastic agreement yet. I have grudging agreement. She doesn't share her feelings well. I'm an optimist, she's a pessimist. Having gotten most of the way thru Love Busters I am encouraged and heart broken- encouraged to finally hear in ways I can understand what's wrong, and heart broken in that I see now all the things I've done over the years to get her into withdrawal.
One of them is independent behavior. How can I get enthusiastic agreement to do MB program when she's not on board and seems to think it's just another thing she needs to go along with?
Married 36 years, 3 adult kids. I'm the romantic who needs touch. She couldn't care less.
My plan at this point is to finish LB with her, actively stop doing them all, retake the LB questionnaires now that we know more. The first time she didn't even want to fill it out, so I asked questions and wrote things down.
Next will be to actively try meeting EN. She scoffs at the idea of spending 15 hours per week with me rather than HGTV and Pinterest.
My hope for years has been that someday she might like me as much as the dog.

In your situation I probably would try to get her in the full course, so you have the support of Dr Harley and a marriage coach. If you can persuade her to do that, they might be able to turn this around. I don't imagine she will EVER be "enthusiastic" about any marriage recovery, so I think that is an unrealistic expectation on your part.

Almost every couple who signs up for the online course has one reluctant spouse.


This will be the key to turning the ship around. How are you proposing you spend your UA time?

What are the main problems in the marriage?

Eliminating lovebusters is a great first step!!

I just lost a large reply because I changed pages in the middle, so I'm a bit frustrated.
I don't have a clue about how to start UA. Her electronic addiction is hard to penetrate. I have to ask when I can talk with her so as not to interrupt.
I'm hoping exposure to the program will melt her walls a bit so she'll see the need. Meanwhile concentrate on no LB.
Her highest EN 7/7 is financial support. She fears being on the street, despite my great pension I'm already collecting plus my full time job. So I don't think she'll ever agree to full program just because of cost. She may agree to home study.

Does she work?

Do you have any grandchildren?

One thing to remember is that UA time is for fun dates, not heavy relationship talk. Make sure it's FUN!

The online program may be very helpful because your wife will get to see them hold you accountable for your behavior.

Did she take the recreational activities inventory?

It would help if you copied this into a new post

W worked outside home until we had to move to Minnesota in 2010 because of my job loss. She works at home sewing heirloom items for sale on Etsy & through a local shop, but her stuff is so awesome she has to charge more than most people want to pay- $75 for a toddler outfit, with embroidery, smocking, french machine sewing, shadow work, all very detailed and beautiful.

That's new to me. I'll need to investigate more. If there are articles on this let me know.

No, that's one we haven't done yet.
Proceeding cautiously.

I recommend you start by reading the basic concepts. Then the article under this forum on the main forums page "how to make your own plan to resolve conflicts..."

So what ways do you propose to spend this UA time? If it is out of the house on fun dates, you won't be competing with HGTV. You should ask her to commit to 4 4 hour dates a week that are entirely focused on the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Harley recommends sitting down on Sunday afternoon and scheduling out your dates. The reason is because time that is scheduled is usually not put off.

All of your UA time should be scheduled out of the house. The reason is because there are too many distractions at home. Here is an article about it http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html

You know, if you have a spouse that's not quite on board, and isn't motivated, you can always start implementing changes without her knowing. For example, Undivided Attention does not and should not be listed as UA. UA makes it sound like a chore. It should be a treat!

You can stop making withdraws and even start making deposits without deep discussions. You've been married for 36 years--You know a lot about her.

Give it a few months, and you'll be surprised at the changes in your marriage just by making changes to your own behavior.

I am not following you. Why wouldn't he call it undivided attention? UA isn't a "chore;" it is a series of fun dates out of the house. The couple sits down once a week and plans out their dates on their schedules. He has no reason to not present it that way. Unless she understands the policy, how else would he get her to agree to go out on 4 4 hour dates?

Thanks. That's part of my plan.

And good luck and God bless on your upcoming day!

I understand the advice to not label the time you want to spend with her. If you have promised change in the past but did follow through, she will be skeptical of a program you propose. A part of persuading her to join you in MB will be showing changes, not just talking about them- what Greengables proposes. With this in mind, you must be careful not to be deceptive. Be open that you want to build a happy, romantic marriage. Dates are part of any great romance. You will need to take action to prove you mean what you say. Have you read the article about the 3 states in marriage - intimacy, conflict and withdrawal? You will need to make enough love bank deposits to bring her out of with drawal. What does she like- affection, conversations , financial support, etc? Start meeting these needs. The great thing is that the Love Bank has no real gate keeper, you can make deposits in her love bank by meeting her needs, even if sheis not really interested. So gett to work!

And don't underestimate grudging agreement ,if she is reading a book with you, she is more invested than you may think.

to eliminate Lovebusters. If you have behaved independently, stop.do not do anything without enthusiastic agreement.

What complaints has she made ? Work on those items

to meet emotional needs - UA time is how you make the most love bank deposits. This should be fun and engaging for both spouses. Im sure your wife enjoys more in life than hGTv and Pinterest. What activities has she enjoyed in the past? Is there a new restaurant she would like to go to? You have known this woman a long time, you can think up dates she would like. If she says no, make a new plan and ask again in a day or so. Would it help if you promise( and deliver) a fun date with noheavy conversation? A good starting tip is to go to a movie or something ( not really UA) then dinner ( UA) so you know you have something to talk about that is not the relationship. You know better than anyone what will work.

Hhh, it's a good idea to make changes in your behavior to make yourself more attractive. However, you obviously can't sell the idea of UA time if you don't tell her the plan and the goal. She is emotionally checked out and won't likely go out on 4- 4 hour dates meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs if she doesn't understand WHY. It is better to sell her on the program and be transparent as possible in order to gain her buy in.

Most of us who have gone through Dr Harley's course brought a reluctant spouse with us. Those spouses are fully engaged today because they were sold on the program. Try to think of fun dates that you know she will enjoy. Perhaps you can even take her shopping to prime the pump initially?

Sell her on the plan and the follow up with a weekly schedule of dates. Otherwise you are wasting your time. If she is reluctant, you have many resources here to help get her on board.

"Back off on the marriage builders stuff.
I'm happy with things as they are.
No it probably isn't right."