I�m looking for guidance with what my next steps should be. My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We started dating when I was 15, I am now 40. We have been married for 14 years. We have two children, ages 8 and 11 Early in our relationship, my husband was completely devoted to me. If I said jump, he said how high. As I reflect on our relationship now, I recognize that I used and abused this power I had over him. A few years ago I noticed a �pulling away� from me emotionally. This continued into a lack of sex. I became frustrated enough that I started to confront him as to what was going on. I accused him of being emotionless and cold. After time, I started threatening divorce just to elicit a reaction out of him. This worked for a while, but eventually he became numb to the threats. In actuality, I think it helped him to lose what remaining love he had for me. During one of our discussions, he surprised me with the statement that he was ready to divorce. That he felt nothing toward me and actually wanted to be alone. To live a life where he didn�t have to answer to anyone, a life where he could be free to come and go as he pleased. I was completely shocked that this man who adored me was completely checked out. I immediately went into research and fix it mode.

During my research, I came upon this website. My husband and I completed the Love Busters forms, what an eye opener. It became painfully obvious that I was guilty of Disrespectful Judgements. I had become so used to my place of power in our relationship that I was completely blind to the damage my words and judgments had done to my husband. He was guilty of Dishonesty, he settled into a pattern of never speaking up for himself, all in an effort to keep my happy. Over the past 7 months I have worked to eliminate Disrespectful Judgements, I believe I have done a good job at this. My husband agrees. I really thought we were getting things back on track. But�
I again began to feel disconnected from my husband. He stopped doing the little things, holding hands, small touches here and there, no kisses. This eventually led to lack of sex. It has been 2 months since the last time we were intimate. When I confronted him about this, he admitted that he still felt no love for me. More or less he had been playing the role of the happy husband. After a marathon discussion about where do we go from here, he admitted that he still has anxiety about asking to go out with friends or do things on his own for fear of how I might react. I have assured him that I have changed and want to be respectful of his wants and needs. We enjoy each other�s company, have similar interests, and love our kids. That is good enough for him. He said he is content to live the rest of our life this way. He does not miss the love that we once had, nor is he inclined to try to rekindle the love.

Here is where we left things this morning, he was going to try and be more open about his feelings, negative or positive. He agreed to be honest about where he is emotionally at. I cannot get him to buy into the idea that a loving marriage is the best thing for our entire family. Somehow he has convinced himself that it is ok to be in a loveless marriage. He has built up walls to protect himself that I can�t figure out how to help him bring down.

I am desperate to right things. I am going to print out a new set of Love Busters for us and have us fill them out. After that what should I do? I still believe that this marriage can be saved. Or am I just kidding myself, is his love really dead? I just need some guidance� any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

What are his top emotional needs?

Right now in this moment, I don't feel that he has emotional needs. He is so closed off, emotionless. When I look back at the first time we completed the worksheets he indicated admiration. The other thing he wrote down was need for space, time on his own to do what he pleases.

Are you having 4, 4 hour dates?

With 2 young kids and their busy schedules, it is almost impossible to carve out dates every week. When they are in bed, or out of the house, my husband and I spend our time together. Talking, watching tv or movies. We usually end the day in bed, whit me resting my head on his shoulder watching tv or sports.

You need to snoop to find out whether he is having an affair. It really sounds as if he has met somebody else.

Do not ask him directly, or do anything to alert him that you are looking for evidence - he will just bury any affair under ground. I had that happen to me, and when I found out what was still going on two years further into the affair, I obviously had a much worse situation to deal with.

Get a look at his phone, and sneak some spyware onto it while you can. Also, put a keylogger on the tablet, laptop or desktop that he uses.

Also, look up his phone records online. Is there a particular number he calls all the time?

If he does not go out without you - even to the gym or to walk the dog in the evenings - he is probably having an affair with someone at work, or an old girlfriend online. You need to be clever about sussing this out.

Hi, NolaJaneen,

The very first thing you need to do is to snoop to prove whether he is having an affair or not. I say prove because you have to find out for certain one way or another. The program does not work without this step.

If you find an affair, the posters here can help you through the next steps. If you do not, the next thing to do is to show your husband Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention, tell him you need to do this with him, and find out what his response is.

Here is a link to Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention for you to show your husband: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html
And here is a thread about the Policy of Undivided Attention for you to read: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2808208

This is the number one thing that is missing in your marriage, and if you and your husband start to follow it effectively it will solve most of your marital problems. However it will do no good at all until you take the first step of proving to yourself that he is either having an affair or not having an affair, so start snooping.

If you prove there is no affair and your husband says yes he will follow the POUA with you and does it, then you will probably be home free! If there are problems after that we will be glad to help. Or if you prove that there is an affair, or your husband will not do the POUA with you, come back so we can talk to you about the next steps in the program.