Marriage Builders
Posted By: jltab0 Help with Marriage - 09/16/16 08:31 PM
I am needing some advice on what to do as well as, I am seeking to know if I am not understanding things correctly. As per my wife's past post, she has decided to stay married to me because she promised God and I that she would. With this being said I do not know what I should do or how I should do a lot of things for her. She states her biggest issue is that she feels trapped in this marriage because: 1. I desire her to stay 2. she promised me and God. 3. Bible doesn't support divorce unless there has been adultery.

According to her she needs to feel not trapped, she says she needs to be physically separated from me. as in the best we can hope for is living the same city.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Help with Marriage - 09/16/16 09:16 PM
What do you need help doing? Are you asking how to get your wife to fall in love with you, and therefore want to be with you?
Posted By: jltab0 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/16/16 09:42 PM
Im trying to figure out how her being physically distant from me will help her. She says that being around me causes her stress and pressure and she feels trapped because of what I desire. She says that I am trying too hard to make pur marriage work, yes I am afraid of her leaving me but last time I was under the ocean she had planned on being gone before I got home. Unfortunately I can't get her to fall in love with me because she has friend zoned me hardcore, and she doesn't want to unless yall have advice on how to get her to love me? And can I help her fall in love long distance? She considers me to be an friend but if I try to hug her she says she has anxiety attacks.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Help with Marriage - 09/16/16 10:07 PM
Originally Posted by jltab0
Im trying to figure out how her being physically distant from me will help her. She says that being around me causes her stress and pressure and she feels trapped because of what I desire. She says that I am trying too hard to make pur marriage work, yes I am afraid of her leaving me but last time I was under the ocean she had planned on being gone before I got home. Unfortunately I can't get her to fall in love with me because she has friend zoned me hardcore, and she doesn't want to unless yall have advice on how to get her to love me? And can I help her fall in love long distance? She considers me to be an friend but if I try to hug her she says she has anxiety attacks.
What do you mean by "long distance"? Don't you live together all the time?
Posted By: jltab0 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/16/16 11:14 PM
We do right this moment but she is preparing to move to Washington state while I am here in Hawaii.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Help with Marriage - 09/16/16 11:24 PM
Originally Posted by jltab0
We do right this moment but she is preparing to move to Washington state while I am here in Hawaii.
This is a bit like pulling teeth.

Why is she planning to do that? Is it a permanent separation? And why Washington State - is that your home state? I see from other posts that you are in the navy in Hawaii. If she has been there with you until now, what is her reason for leaving? Is she calling time on the marriage?

Whatever her reason for leaving, you can't have a marriage while you live in separate states. Your wife seems to feel that not divorcing is the same as being married, but it isn't.
Posted By: jltab0 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/16/16 11:39 PM
She says that she doesn't feel right under the same roof as me, she says the dynamic between me and her just doesn't work and she needs to feel not trapped by putting physical distance between us so she can feel free and that might help her love me by her not feeling trapped. She says it will be indefinite separation. Spokane is where her friends are and where she grew up, she has no family and her parents are dead, she has mental illness of PTSD depression and anxiety her therapist claims to be christian but she keeps saying she is happier when im on deployment, she has a real hate for Hawaii because she feels trapped on a rock here, and says she needs the freedom to drive for hours in her car. She has to leave now because of her hate for Hawaii and feeling trapped under the same roof as me. She says she will not divorce bme but she says signing any paperwork saying she will not sign for divorce is too controlling and she says its unhealthy for her to trap herself like that.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Help with Marriage - 09/16/16 11:49 PM
Originally Posted by jltab0
She says that she doesn't feel right under the same roof as me, she says the dynamic between me and her just doesn't work and she needs to feel not trapped by putting physical distance between us so she can feel free and that might help her love me by her not feeling trapped. She says it will be indefinite separation. Spokane is where her friends are and where she grew up, she has no family and her parents are dead, she has mental illness of PTSD depression and anxiety her therapist claims to be christian but she keeps saying she is happier when im on deployment, she has a real hate for Hawaii because she feels trapped on a rock here, and says she needs the freedom to drive for hours in her car. She has to leave now because of her hate for Hawaii and feeling trapped under the same roof as me. She says she will not divorce bme but she says signing any paperwork saying she will not sign for divorce is too controlling and she says its unhealthy for her to trap herself like that.
Separating to fall in love won't work. Instead, it will be the end of your marriage.

Your wife is telling you your marriage is over. You would stand a chance of rebuilding it if you could learn the Marriage Builders programme and live together, but you don't have a hope if you live apart.

Your wife had a relationship with another man, She swears that this has been over for a few months. However, her behaviour looks a lot like someone who wants to separate to carry on an affair.
Posted By: jltab0 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/17/16 12:06 AM
Can you do the program long distance or by yourself?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Help with Marriage - 09/17/16 12:09 AM
Originally Posted by jltab0
Can you do the program long distance or by yourself?
No and no.
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Help with Marriage - 09/17/16 12:14 AM
You can't work on your marriage if you are not living together. Can you fix your car while it's in another state thousands of miles away?

If you could get advice directly from Dr Harley, we can help you implement it. I think he will tell you the same as I've been doing - that once your wife leaves, you have no marriage. You can't work on the marriage and you can't improve or rebuild it once she leaves. I think you should write to him (care of the radio show) and ask whether there is anything you can do to rebuild your marriage.

What would your wife do if you could get out of the service today, and go to Washington with her? (Don't tell me that you can't get out; that is not what I asked.)
Posted By: Prisca Re: Help with Marriage - 09/17/16 12:25 AM
Quote
Your wife had a relationship with another man, She swears that this has been over for a few months. However, her behaviour looks a lot like someone who wants to separate to carry on an affair.
You need to pay close attention to this.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Help with Marriage - 09/17/16 01:48 AM
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
Your wife had a relationship with another man, She swears that this has been over for a few months. However, her behaviour looks a lot like someone who wants to separate to carry on an affair.
You need to pay close attention to this.
What spyware do you have installed?

Have you confirmed the affair is over?

Where is the OM?
Posted By: jltab0 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/17/16 02:53 AM
Looks like I am powerless! In mist states she is entitled to my retirement, Hawaii rate of life style payment and Hawaii rate child support payments.
Posted By: jltab0 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/17/16 04:31 AM
I did write him he didn't answer
Posted By: jltab0 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/17/16 04:42 AM
I would rather not continue to exist than go through another divorce, the pain is too great.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Help with Marriage - 09/17/16 05:48 AM
Originally Posted by jltab0
I did write him he didn't answer
Who did you write to?

Can you please answer my questions?

Contact your doctor for some antidepressants.
Posted By: Elaina7 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/17/16 05:48 AM
Originally Posted by jltab0
I would rather not continue to exist than go through another divorce, the pain is too great.

I am sorry you are in this place. Please go talk to your Dr & get on some depression meds- you need them.

I spoke to your wife & she speaks very wayward - another words she is gas-lighting you about all this space & being trapped and God business. You would have to snoop to find out though to at least know the truth. Can you focus on doing that?

If in the end, worse comes- I have been divorced twice and although it sucks- your Daughter needs you. Think of her. Others have walked this painful road & you can if you have too. But get help if you need to (meds)

Personally, If I found out my spouse was "really" about to leave the state with my child- I would go file Divorce now so they couldn't take off with my daughter. She would be ordered to stay there.

If Dr Harley didn't respond, hit the moderators button & tell them. Sometimes emails get lost in the shuffle.
Posted By: jltab0 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 08:29 AM
She keeps saying that our relationship never felt like a marriage. She says instead of marrying me she promised prostitution in exchange for money, safety, security, food, and shelter. We did have sex prior to us being lawfully wed. She says that her marrying me was a sin because she deceived me, she doesn't see how it could ever be made right. She says how can God bless a marriage based on her sin. She also believes our daughter was born out of sin to remind her of her sin. She says she just isn't wife material and wants to be completely free to be who and what she wants to be without any strings attached. She however desires to keep the free healthcare, the income that I make, and reassurance her needs will be met. Also she says the military doesn't matter, its just she hates Hawaii with all her heart because its a trap, she says it wouldn't matter if I got out of the military, she still wouldn't want to love me.

Its horrible to think the happiest thing to ever happen to me (marriage to my wife) is the worst she says happened to her.
Posted By: apples123 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 02:22 PM
You need to snoop. Your wife sounds like she is having an affair.
Posted By: Elaina7 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 03:02 PM
Listen,
As a woman from a very Christian background, the only women who ever say silly stuff like this -ALL of them are in an affair.
Every. Single. One.

Its called re-writing history. So all the stuff she is saying is gaslighting. Its not true.

Some Christian gals just try to use really elaborate means to hide their affair. All this stuff about sin, my goodness, do they read a book!!! It is exactly like other women I have only seen come from the church.

You need to snoop like crazy and stop listening to your wife.

Think of it like an addiction.. If she was a falling down drunk, would you really believe a word she said?

Please Please use your intelligence here to over ride your instincts. Snoop. [u][/u]
Posted By: unwritten Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 03:49 PM
I just want to also say what everyone else has said, not only does she sound very wayward in how you describe her, but on her own thread she talks about a 'friend' in a very alarming way. There is no question that you are battling an affair here, there isn't even a question as to who its with because she readily admits it.

You need to snoop and find out just what is going on with this guy (clearly it has already gone over the line emotionally) and we can advise you how to proceed from there. As Elaina said, you are dealing with a falling down drunk right now in terms of the nonsense that she says. Just disregard that for now and get the facts here. Can you do that?
Posted By: unwritten Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 03:56 PM
"I know what that chemistry is, and I know what it is to joyfully and wholeheartedly serve out of love. I know what it is to want to submit and serve, because I want to lift the other up, out of an overflow of God's love for me. Not subservience, but a powerful association of equals. Perfect? No. Sometimes infuriating? Yes. Painful? Sometimes. But synergistic, not parasitic or mechanical. And no, it wasn't a "romantic" relationship.

That was a long-standing friendship, pre-dating meeting my husband, which I gave up for the sake of this marriage, because said friendship was condemned as being a "slippery slope," etc, and a danger to the marriage, and my husband was uncomfortable with it. And still is, even though it's no longer a thing.

That relationship was not viable as romantic because he was married when I met him, albeit out of similar motivations as I had in marrying my husband. Before I knew he was married, I was aware of a point in time when my heart and soul said with finality, "this one." This one, I chose to love. Not in the romantic sense, necessarily, (no lust, no need, and no sense of pressure or obligation) but unconditionally, though the relationship itself was conditional.

Over the years, the friendship challenged me, pushed me to grow. Forced me to examine myself, my opinions and viewpoints, my attitudes, without making me feel inferior or ignorant. The friendship lit me up from the inside out, made me want to be better. There were no warm fuzzies, and to be frank, at first, I would just as soon have hissed at him as spoken to him. Because he was a cop (and I hadn't had any good experiences with cops) who was assigned to my case when I had a bunch of stuff stolen several years before I met my husband.

Anyway, all that is to say... had my friend and I both been single at that point in time, well, we wouldn't be having this discussion. I'd probably be having a, "this man and his behavior is driving me crazy, how do I handle it" discussion. (Haha. It's a human nature joke. Because it's true.) But those are challenges I would have leaned into, because although it would have been difficult, it would have been what I had wanted, freely chosen, and because I wanted to fight for it, even when it made me cry.

Obviously, that couldn't happen, and I have a different set of challenges. I get that. I accept that. I don't hold that friendship up on a pedestal, or idolize or idealize it, because like I said, every relationship has its own problems. Every one has its frustrations and obstacles, because every one of us is human.

That person, that relationship, is something I had to let go of, because, guess what, I married someone else. And because the effects of that friendship weren't one-sided."

This is how your WIFE describes a DIFFERENT MAN who she has had a relationship with while you were married, up until a couple of weeks ago if I remember correctly. In case you are wondering, this is the very essence of an emotional affair (and I am guessing it was probably physical at some point too, given it went on for years). It is very clear that she is in love with this man, even if that is a fantasy love. This is why she is unable to love you and why she is rewriting history to give herself an out. This is the enemy, not some fogbabble.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 04:04 PM
Originally Posted by jltab0
She keeps saying that our relationship never felt like a marriage. She says instead of marrying me she promised prostitution in exchange for money, safety, security, food, and shelter. We did have sex prior to us being lawfully wed. She says that her marrying me was a sin because she deceived me, she doesn't see how it could ever be made right. She says how can God bless a marriage based on her sin. She also believes our daughter was born out of sin to remind her of her sin. She says she just isn't wife material and wants to be completely free to be who and what she wants to be without any strings attached. She however desires to keep the free healthcare, the income that I make, and reassurance her needs will be met. Also she says the military doesn't matter, its just she hates Hawaii with all her heart because its a trap, she says it wouldn't matter if I got out of the military, she still wouldn't want to love me.

Its horrible to think the happiest thing to ever happen to me (marriage to my wife) is the worst she says happened to her.

She is wayward. Everything she is saying is typical for a wayward wife to say. Women don't talk like this unless there's an other man (OM) in the picture.

The man she calls "friend" is the OM. She may have others, and you should look for them. Snoop and find any correspondence between her and the OM.
Posted By: apples123 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 05:48 PM
You should not consent to her leaving the state with the kids. You may have difficulty getting them back.
Posted By: jltab0 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 07:06 PM
I am for sure she isn't having a physical affair with him. Emotional or a infatuation possibly, she has stated that she is an intellectual-sexual. He is married and told both me and her to never contact him. She keeps insisting that he is a big part of who she is as a person, and talks about him every day, and tells me if you cannot accept that then im not accepting her as a person.
She also tells me , that to her we are not married, our definitions of marriage are different she says its not marriage if the heart isn't in it, regardless of what was said previously, paperwork and legal terms.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 07:16 PM
As you can see, an emotional affair is just as damaging to a marriage as a physical affair.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 07:22 PM
You need to gather the evidence of her affair, and expose it. Please read this thread: Exposure 101
Posted By: markos Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 07:27 PM
Originally Posted by jltab0
I am for sure she isn't having a physical affair with him. Emotional or a infatuation possibly, she has stated that she is an intellectual-sexual. He is married and told both me and her to never contact him. She keeps insisting that he is a big part of who she is as a person, and talks about him every day, and tells me if you cannot accept that then im not accepting her as a person.
She also tells me , that to her we are not married, our definitions of marriage are different she says its not marriage if the heart isn't in it, regardless of what was said previously, paperwork and legal terms.

jltab,

I know that this must be causing you unbearable pain. Affairs like this always do.

I want you to know that Dr. Harley has decades of experience helping people to survive affairs and even save their marriages. Nothing is happening to you that hasn't happened thousands of times before in other marriages, I am afraid. frown

I want to encourage you to start getting educated about what is going on and what you can do about it.

Please watch Dr. Harley's free video on infidelity:



Please get Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair. You can order the ebook version off of Amazon and start reading it immediately.

Please get the Marriage Builders app and start listening to the radio show so you can learn what is going on in your marriage and what you can do about it.

The affair your wife is having is basically transforming her into the equivalent of a heroin addict. Please read MelodyLane's introductory thread explaining what you need to do to kill this addiction so you can get your wife and your marriage back:
Exposure 101
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Help with Marriage - 09/19/16 10:33 PM
Originally Posted by jltab0
I did write him he didn't answer
Have you still not received an answer from Dr. Harley?

Hit notify and let the MODS know so that they may alert Dr. Harley.
Posted By: jltab0 Re: Help with Marriage - 09/21/16 08:18 AM
Finally figured out her issue she doesn't feel anything because she doesn't consider our marriage a ligitimate marriage. Asked her how she would feelb Irvine ever had a affair, she said she would be happy that I found a woman who wants me for who I am
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Help with Marriage - 09/21/16 12:00 PM
Originally Posted by jltab0
Finally figured out her issue she doesn't feel anything because she doesn't consider our marriage a ligitimate marriage. Asked her how she would feelb Irvine ever had a affair, she said she would be happy that I found a woman who wants me for who I am

She doesn't feel anything because she is having an affair.
Posted By: unwritten Re: Help with Marriage - 09/21/16 12:11 PM
Originally Posted by jltab0
Finally figured out her issue she doesn't feel anything because she doesn't consider our marriage a ligitimate marriage. Asked her how she would feelb Irvine ever had a affair, she said she would be happy that I found a woman who wants me for who I am

People are not going to post to you if you do not read our posts. Many people have told you what her 'issue' is, her issue is that she is having an affair. Her not considering your marriage legitimate is affair fogbabble.

If you were married legally and spiritually, this IS a legitimate marriage, not exactly sure why she would think otherwise. Lots of people are unhappy in marriage, that does not mean they are not 'legitimately married.'
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Help with Marriage - 09/21/16 12:23 PM
Saying she doesn't feel "legitimately married" is the type of justification we hear from someone who is lost in an affair.
Posted By: PoppyNJ Re: Help with Marriage - 09/21/16 02:29 PM
It's fog babble...
Posted By: Prisca Re: Help with Marriage - 09/21/16 05:09 PM
Do you plan to get the evidence of her affair and expose it? Did you read the exposure thread?
Posted By: markos Re: Help with Marriage - 09/21/16 07:48 PM
Hi, jltab, did you see my post?

Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by jltab0
I am for sure she isn't having a physical affair with him. Emotional or a infatuation possibly, she has stated that she is an intellectual-sexual. He is married and told both me and her to never contact him. She keeps insisting that he is a big part of who she is as a person, and talks about him every day, and tells me if you cannot accept that then im not accepting her as a person.
She also tells me , that to her we are not married, our definitions of marriage are different she says its not marriage if the heart isn't in it, regardless of what was said previously, paperwork and legal terms.

jltab,

I know that this must be causing you unbearable pain. Affairs like this always do.

I want you to know that Dr. Harley has decades of experience helping people to survive affairs and even save their marriages. Nothing is happening to you that hasn't happened thousands of times before in other marriages, I am afraid. frown

I want to encourage you to start getting educated about what is going on and what you can do about it.

Please watch Dr. Harley's free video on infidelity:



Please get Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair. You can order the ebook version off of Amazon and start reading it immediately.

Please get the Marriage Builders app and start listening to the radio show so you can learn what is going on in your marriage and what you can do about it.

The affair your wife is having is basically transforming her into the equivalent of a heroin addict. Please read MelodyLane's introductory thread explaining what you need to do to kill this addiction so you can get your wife and your marriage back:
Exposure 101
© Marriage BuildersĀ® Forums