what to do when EA are not verified and broken - 05/24/17 11:12 AM
This is a second marriage for both my husband and myself. I have read many of the posts about the dangers of friendship with the opposite sex, especially former lovers. In 2012 when I married my second husband I explained that my first marriage ended because of serial cheating and I needed him to promise zero contact with his exwife and the girlfriends he had since his divorce from her. I also insisted that there was no room in my marriage for opposite sex friends.
He enthusiastically agreed with no contact with former girlfriends, but insisted that contact with his exwife was necessary because she lived with his alcoholic daughter and 2 young grandsons, and she could provide him updates about the condition of his daughter's alcoholism. His daughter is 39, has been drinking since about 16, and has had a lot of instability in her life. She tends to be the center of drama in the whole family.
I have 4 adult children of my own and I cannot imagine dealing with an addiction. It seemed harsh to cut off this important source of information for him so I enthusiastically agreed to make an exception that "his exwife could call him in an emergency situation regarding his daughter."
Fast forward 5 years, 2 suicide attempts and multiple other things. Only once has his ex contacted with concern about their daughter being drunk. She didn't tell him about suicide attempts or the resulting rehabs, CPS, or arrests. Instead what is happening is she asks for money, requests he does a honey do list, and tells him things about friends from the past. He also wishes her happy birthday, includes her in group texts with his kids about sentimental things from their past (I was excluded), and shows concern about her health. These are just communications I learned about. After discovering some of this, I went snooping on my phone bill and discovered 2-3 attempts a month for the last 18 months to contact her. He initiates more of these calls/texts than she does. When we are in town, his daughter invites him to her apartment where his ex also lives and I stay home by choice because I get very anxious being around the ex.
I have tried to explain to him that their behavior is intimate, excludes me, makes me feel disrespected and humiliated when his children see their father show preference to their mother over our marriage.
I do not believe they are sexually involved because we fulltime travel in an RV, but I am very threatened by his preference to value her feelings over mine.
It feels like I gave an inch in a spirit of generosity, and he has taken a mile to soothe the feelings of his ex wife.
We are taking a month to park our RV and come to enthusiastic agreements in an attempt to avoid a separation.
I am uncertain whether I should use Dr. Harley's advice to insist on no contact with his ex (no enthusiastic agreement needed) or to try to find another way to enthusiastic agreement.
What would you do?
He enthusiastically agreed with no contact with former girlfriends, but insisted that contact with his exwife was necessary because she lived with his alcoholic daughter and 2 young grandsons, and she could provide him updates about the condition of his daughter's alcoholism. His daughter is 39, has been drinking since about 16, and has had a lot of instability in her life. She tends to be the center of drama in the whole family.
I have 4 adult children of my own and I cannot imagine dealing with an addiction. It seemed harsh to cut off this important source of information for him so I enthusiastically agreed to make an exception that "his exwife could call him in an emergency situation regarding his daughter."
Fast forward 5 years, 2 suicide attempts and multiple other things. Only once has his ex contacted with concern about their daughter being drunk. She didn't tell him about suicide attempts or the resulting rehabs, CPS, or arrests. Instead what is happening is she asks for money, requests he does a honey do list, and tells him things about friends from the past. He also wishes her happy birthday, includes her in group texts with his kids about sentimental things from their past (I was excluded), and shows concern about her health. These are just communications I learned about. After discovering some of this, I went snooping on my phone bill and discovered 2-3 attempts a month for the last 18 months to contact her. He initiates more of these calls/texts than she does. When we are in town, his daughter invites him to her apartment where his ex also lives and I stay home by choice because I get very anxious being around the ex.
I have tried to explain to him that their behavior is intimate, excludes me, makes me feel disrespected and humiliated when his children see their father show preference to their mother over our marriage.
I do not believe they are sexually involved because we fulltime travel in an RV, but I am very threatened by his preference to value her feelings over mine.
It feels like I gave an inch in a spirit of generosity, and he has taken a mile to soothe the feelings of his ex wife.
We are taking a month to park our RV and come to enthusiastic agreements in an attempt to avoid a separation.
I am uncertain whether I should use Dr. Harley's advice to insist on no contact with his ex (no enthusiastic agreement needed) or to try to find another way to enthusiastic agreement.
What would you do?