So, in this program I am to give up playing with the group since my husband doesn't choose to come?
If I give up playing with the group I might as well give up playing fiddle entirely since it is a major joy to play music with people. This is something that he would say he doesn't want me to give up since it gives me much joy.
So, what then? Is it something we can agree on and yet still only one is really getting enjoyment from the activity? This doesn't make sense to me. He has supported me for many years even though he misses time with me when I am gone in the evening for the session.
If he wanted to attend a sporting event ( and he has in the past ) with someone like his brother, is he not to go just because I don't want to go? And yet it would be a great joy to him to be able to do this and I would be happy that he is getting enjoyment out of it.
I guess I am struggling since I just discovered this program. It sounds like what I have been searching for to help our marriage after a 3 year battle with overcoming dishonesty on his part.
Welcome to MB.
It seems as though your reading of MB has led you to the impression that you and your husband should not engage in recreational activities unless both of you are doing the activity. Dr Harley does not actually forbid activities done without the spouse and with other people (unless you can show me where he says this), but he is very careful about this. Essentially, he recommends doing things for the marriage that build love bank units, and avoiding activities that withdraw love bank units, and also, avoiding those that allow units to be built with people of the opposite sex, with whom it is easy to fall in love.
He recommends that, since recreational activities (by definition, activities that give us enjoyment) done with another person can make love bank deposits, couples should make RC activities the core of their marriage; for example, in this article:
Why Should a Couple Plan to Be with Each Other When They Are the Happiest?. He recommends that RC should be combined with meeting the needs for intimate conversation, sexual fulfilment and affection, for a minimum of 15 hours per week, the majority of that time spent out of the house on dates (not the SF part, unless you're very creative!). A good way of achieving this figure is to go on four, three-hour dates per week, out of the home, with the SF component being fulfilled at home, in most cases..
If there are no major problems in the marriage, that figure of 15 hours will build enough love bank units to make the couple fall in love and stay in (romantic) love. If there are major problems, these need to be addressed while that figure is increased.
If the couple is meeting that figure, AND here are no major problems, AND the couple is in love, it is fine for them to engage in RC separately, and with other people.
The big HOWEVER, though, is that they must not do anything with that separate RC time that is a threat to the marriage. One such threat would be to spend that time with members of the opposite sex, and another would be to spend that time doing something so enjoyable that it creates a contrast effect, making time with the spouse seem less enjoyable. A third threat would be to make the spouse not doing the activity feel unhappy that they are excluded.
Dr Harley writes about all those problems in the article I linked.
"There are some couples, Charlene, like you and your husband, who try to compromise regarding recreational activities. They spend some of their recreational time with each other. But they spend their very favorite recreational time apart. Your husband's participation in fantasy baseball draft is a good example.
My problem with his plan is that it not only squanders the opportunity to deposit the most love units in the shortest amount of time, but it also tends to make the time he does have with you much less enjoyable than it would have been.
Contrast has more of an effect on us than most people think. We can thoroughly enjoy a particular activity until something more enjoyable comes along, and when that happens we're suddenly bored with the prior activity. So when your husband has a terrific time without you, the time he spends with you will pale in comparison. It will not deposit the love units that it should, and his feelings for you will tend to suffer. On the other hand, if you choose to spend all of your recreational time together, particularly the time you look forward to the most, you will maximize the love units you deposit."
Also: "
I'm a firm believer that once you're married, everything you do, whether it's with each other or not, should follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). The reason I am so adamant in my support of this rule is that even when you are not together, the things you do are likely to effect each other, depositing or withdrawing love units.
For example, your husband's exclusion of you in fantasy baseball draft hurts your feelings. The entire time he's gone he will be losing love units from his account in your love bank. And then, when he returns home, the contrast effect I mentioned earlier will negatively effect his feelings about what you both do together, which will tend to withdraw love units from your account in his love bank. If you and he were to be together for the draft, or find an alternative recreational activity that you could enthusiastically agree to enjoy together, none of these love bank losses would result. Instead, you would both be depositing love units.
The Policy of Joint Agreement would have prevented you from getting into this mess in the first place. But now that you're there, it can help get you out. By simply following the rule now, your husband should not attend this yearly draft unless he has your enthusiastic agreement. Either he gives up the event entirely, or he includes you in it. If this group of men do not invite their wives, perhaps there would be another group where wives are invited."
It seems that those are the factors that you should be looking at to solve the problems yourselves. First, does your attendance at the violin group have the enthusiastic agreement of both of you (POJA)? You say that he does not want you to give it up, but you also say that he misses the time alone with you when you're gone. I think you need a conversation that clarifies whether he is enthusiastic about this activity, or whether would be happier if you stopped it and did something with him, since he doesn't want to accompany you. Twice a month does not sound like a lot of time being taken out of your time together, but if it bothers him, it's withdrawing love bank units, and therefore it needs to be changed.
Second, is the activity mixed sex? if so, this is dangerous, and you should protect your marriage from risk.
Third, is it creating a contrast effect for you? Do you look forward to this time more than to time spent with your husband? What does your joint RC time consist of, and how does it make you feel?
You mentioned your 3-year battle to overcome your husband's habitual dishonesty. You haven't told us what this is, but it posed a threat to your marriage while it continued, and it is a hard habit to break. Are you confident that he is honest with you now? Could any of the dishonesty reappear while you're away with your violin group - for example, the use of pornography?
In short; it's not as simple as saying you should not do RC activities with other people, but doing so could be a threat to your marriage, so you must both assess the situation carefully, and do what boosts and protects the marriage.