Newbie here, looking for some guidance. I've scoured this site and while I've found some information regarding sexual dysfunction in marriage, none of what I've found addresses my particular situation.

My wife and I have been married 18 years. We have 3 young kids and a wonderful life. We don't fight or argue much and are in sync with all of the important stuff that can usually wreck a marriage.

We are both in our late forties and considered very attractive by other people, however back in January, my wife told me that she loves me but she's not in love with me. She sees me more like a brother and the thought of being intimate together is repulsive to her.

If we go back to the beginning of our relationship, I can honestly say I used to feel the exact same way about her. I loved her but because of my Catholic upbringing, I didn't see her as a sexual object. I wanted her to be pure and chaste and so I treated her that way. She would try to initiate sex and I always put it off with humor or some other excuse. We did have sex, just not very often and when we did, it was very boring. I always wanted to lights out and she always had to be on top. She would ask me about my fantasies or sexual history and I would deny any or divert attention. After a while she just quit trying. We've known each other a long time and I know she is much more experienced than I am in terms of relationships. I've always been a bit of a shy guy and I've turned down many more offers than I've accepted. Of course every guy has urges so I couldn't turn everyone down.

Back in the present, when she told me she loved me like a brother, I knew our marriage was in trouble. I panicked and in my panic, I found some strength. A couple days after she told me, I went into her room and spilled the beans about everything. I admitted to watching porn (not a lot), sexual history, yada, yada, yada. It was all very eye opening to her and she said she needed to to absorb all this because she never heard me talk like that.

Anyhow, we ended up having great sex multiple times for a couple of weeks and then I noticed she was getting distant again. We talked and she wasn't feeling it anymore. She said she just doesn't have any desire for me anymore. We then started seeing a marriage counselor who basically told us to get back on the horse and eventually the feeling will come back. She did not like that at all. We quit going but shortly after, again had great sex multiple times for about 2 weeks and then she went cold again. On our family vacation, she was very distant and when I brought it up, she said she was constantly afraid I would try to initiate sex and she didn't want to. So i told her sex was off the table for 6 months. I wouldn't do anything. And that's where we are today, 2 months later.

My wife admits to have sexual desire and fantasy for other men, just not me. So she doesn't think it's a desire issue on her part - though she is peri-menopausal.

Anyhow, I'm a little conflicted regarding all the information I've come across and i"m not sure if I should focus on filling her love bank or distancing myself from her? I've always been very caring and affectionate, a real family man who enjoys spending all my time with our family. A few weeks ago, she was teasing me about being a "nice guy" and took a poll on facebook asking our friends if I was more like Richie Cunningham or the Fonz. Results were I looked like the Fonz but act like Richie.

So I've done some reading on "nice guy syndrome" and the problems that it can cause. Hence my dilemma as to whether I should be filling her love bank or distancing myself because I'm smothering her? Has anyone faced this situation before and overcome it? I love my wife and our family and am willing to do whatever it takes to keep it together. My sexual inhibitions are long gone and I'm ready to have the passionate life I've always wanted but was afraid of. I'm just afraid I'm too late.

Thanks for listening...

Welcome to MB! You didn�t mention love busters but that�s usually what has killed desire in marriage. Have you read the basic concepts? And then the Dating in Marriage series? Are you reliably getting 15 hours alone together outside the house? You can ask the kids to move your thread to mb 101 where more will see it.

WD, when your wife says she loves you but is not in love with you, that usually means she is having an affair. You need to dig into this and find out.

'Dig' does not mean ask her. You absolutely do not want her to know that you are on to her. Your best chance of discovering the truth is going to be now whilst she does not suspect that you are snooping. If you ask her she will lie and then take the relationship more deeply underground making it much harder for you.

What you will do is quietly monitor her communications. We recommend a GPS in the car and a VAR hidden where she usually makes phone calls which might also be the car. If she has not locked her phone, check it for numbers frequently called. You can also get destination data from there. If you can slip spyware onto it, do it but test it first to make sure it is completely invisible. Once she knows you are on to her, she will change her password.

If she has already changed her password and sleeps with her phone under her pillow, I'm afraid you have some pretty strong evidence but come back to us with this, do not confront her, tempting though that might seem.

The Operation Investigate forum has the most recent recommendations. Be Sherlock Holmes, think about how she communicates and the best way to monitor that.

I am sorry to tell you this, but this almost always means she has a new point of comparison and is having an affair. I would strongly suggest you first do some sleuthing and rule out an affair. Don't ask her, just quietly investigate.

Thanks for the input. Of course I was concerned about an affair as well however she doesn't show any signs of it. She doesn't have a password on anything, phone, computer, iPad, etc. And the kids are constantly on her devices checking her messages and looking through her phone. She works from home and we go to the gym together. Honestly we spend pretty much every minute of every day in the house or doing something together. The only time we're apart is when she is with one of the kids somewhere and I'm with the others. When she broke the news to me and when we went to the MC she was visibly upset when she said her only choices were to get divorced or to never have sex again and she doesn't want either option. She told the MC she is committed to the marriage and would never have an affair but she feels stuck. Early on she did throw out the option of having an "open-relationship", which I quickly dismissed.

The issue seems to be strictly with desire. She still sees me as attractive and acknowledges I could have any number of partners but she just doesn't "see me that way." Is there some information on here about "pursuing-distancing" relationships?

I will still look into the sleuthing options and don't believe I'll have any trouble accessing her devices.

Are you saying you are together 24/7? Neither of you have jobs?


But this is not an indicator that she is not having an affair. Is she talking to someone? Have you checked her phone logs? Most cheating spouses know to delete evidence. Its not hard. Another tactic is to buy a secret second phone.



This should have been a huge red flag that she has someone in mind and at least is thinking about an affair.

Nothing you have said here is enough to rule out an affair. It's real important that you investigate to see what she is doing when you are not around. Otherwise, the advice we give you will be worthless because we will be treating the wrong problem.

We know how to create desire but none of us are convinced the source of the problem is what you think. We need to rule out an affair first.

I said the same thing when posters here diagnosed an affair. They were right even though I always knew my spouse's whereabouts. You don't need a password on your phone to have an affair, you just delete messages. Nor do you need much time. She has more opportunity than most people precisely because she works at home. Not to mention there's no hindrance to her carrying on an emotional affair with someone at her children's events. You dont need sex or privacy to connect with another person.

It's incredibly rare to hear ILYBNILWY without there being at least a burgeoning affair. It's an attempt to rationalise having feelings for two people at once.

And she's suggested an open relationship as well?

The teasing and the mean Facebook stuff is...familiar.

My serial adulterer XH had open devices. When I discovered the affair, it was through one random phone call made on a VoIP line that I thought looked odd. It was his first ever mistake after at least 16 years of adultery with goodness knows how many women. I had absolutely no clue at all that he was cheating. I am a software engineer and so he was extremely careful about how he managed his communications.

Nobody here is saying that your wife is cheating, let alone that she is a serial cheat, but don't interpret the apparent openness as a sign that all is well. It could be quite the opposite.

Welcome!

I�m sorry to have to mimic what others have said here, but there are many red flags in your posts indicating your wife is having an affair. I know it can be hard to wrap your brain around, but please keep your mind open to the fact that it is a possibility. Nobody here is telling you that she IS, just that based on the info you gave, it is a strong possibility. We are just encouraging you to snoop and eliminate it before you do backflips trying things that won�t work (like going to MC).

Can you do this?

Even if she is, you can still save your marriage and make it more amazing than its ever been, and we can tell you how. But you have to have the facts before you can do that.

Dr. Harley talks about "approach avoidance" conflicts - you should give his radio show a listen and see if you can learn what you need to know.