WARNING: ESSAY POST AHEAD!

I am in desperate need of help - I am passed breaking point and I don�t know what to do! Please can somebody help me!

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, dating for 2.5 before that. I was 22 when we met with a long history of self esteem and anger issues and a huge amount of baggage from 2 ex�s who had broken my heart. I entered into the relationship with a lot of fear of getting hurt, a desire to be an �independent woman� and deep struggles with a worldly vs Christian life. I was very stupid and selfish. During the first 4 months there were a few other guys I was attracted to, multiple episodes of flirting, a visit to an ex (who I was not over), times alone with guys I had had flings with etc and to top it off when I was confronted with it I denied everything and got angry with my husband for being �jealous and controlling�. Over the following about 8 months we fought constantly with him accusing me of cheating and being after other guys and me denying it all (because I hadn�t kissed anymore else I justified my other behaviour plus I had stopped going to functions and being alone with other guys). Eventually I started to see things from his perspective and finally admitted that I had made some very big mistakes. We were then able to start working through the hurt that had been caused and soon after we found Dr Harley and his concepts really helped. It took about 18 months of hard work every day to talk through things and restore trust and I gave everything to fixing my mistakes. The problem was that there were already some things I had forgotten and so we were not able to talk about everything however my husband was satisfied enough that I was honest and he trusted me again.

What I did not understand is that he had given up on having any kind of intimate connection with me and only really wanted me to be honest. I thought he was hard with me because of how I had hurt him but that over time he would see what he meant to me and open to me. We got married and I had high hopes of a romantic intimate relationship but didn�t force anything because of our past. I hoped that in time he would want that with me. In the first 3 years of our marriage I craved intimacy and romance with him. But he thought I didn�t want it from him and didn�t give it. He even slept in another room. We had zero romance and very little sex. I eventually gave up on having that with him and we�ve had a �happy� life with our two kids ever since.

A year ago something happened to spark off renewed trust issues in him. It was a turning point for us and we talked properly for the first time in years. We had real proper sex for the first time in years. And we were both excited for a chance at something real and intimate. The problem with becoming intimate is that it�s brought back all the hurt I caused him at the start of our relationship. He feels second grade because of the intimate moments I shared with other people when we first started dating. Also he is hurt by the fact that I had very strong feelings towards someone I dated before him and that he and I have never shared those feelings and desires (I think it�s because our whole relationship has been about issues, he thinks I can never feel like that for him cos he�s not the type of man I could see that way - hence the initial issues). I also discovered that I have never fully gotten over the 2 ex�s that broke my heart and during one of our very big fights I had a fantasy of going back to the one. This destroyed him. He desperately needs to know everything that happened during those first 4 months, who I was with, what we did, how I felt, what my intentions were etc and I can�t remember much of it anymore. I�ve tried for almost a year to remember and I only have some memories but not enough. His most important need is honesty and I can�t give him that because I don�t remember he has lost all sense of self worth, he doesn�t feel like a man anymore and he is depressed 24/7. All we do is fight and shout at each other. Because I can�t tell him what happened, he makes up his own ideas of what was likely. That I just used him, that he was the �good long term� option but that I found it hard to give up on the men that I had sexual attractions towards, that the only reason I could marry him was because I no longer needed someone I was sexually attracted to etc. I feel like the most worthless person and not deserving of anything and I think so does he. I know he is wrong about what he thinks, and that I can very much have those desires towards him but he just does not believe it and I don�t blame him. I am desperate to make this right and have a chance at something amazing but I don�t know how without remembering what he needs to know. Our story is so rotten I don�t know how to fix it anymore.

Please can someone tell me, what must I do?? I don�t want to ask him to do anything, I need to know what I can do. Is there any hope?

Welcome to MB, I�m sorry under such sad circumstances. Do you listen to the radio show daily? What I learned really quickly is that when you have a great marriage in the present, where both of your needs are met, the past stays in the past, and neither partner is disturbed by it. I encourage you to write Dr. Harley. I know you said you don�t want to involve your H at all, but he isn�t trusting you in the moment and I think Dr. H can give him the reassurance he needs so badly right now. What a sad lie to believe for so long, that he�s just being used, that you�re worthless. I can�t wait to see you two have a happy fulfilling marriage for the first time.

Thanks so much for your reply. I did think of writing to Dr Harley but I�m sure he�s a very busy man so didn�t expect a reply. I will look into doing that, thank you!

Also wanted to clarify after rereading my post.. my husband doesn�t think I am worthless, in fact he thinks the world of me which is why things have hurt him so much. I am the one who feels worthless and I think he feels he is worthless because he was �never enough for me�. I was hoping if we could create an amazing present marriage then the past wouldn�t bother him anymore but unfortunately every wonderful moment we share reminds him of the past and in fact seems to enhance the pain. He feels because he doesn�t know all the details that I share something special with these other men that will never go away. Like it�s set in stone for eternity. I hate what it has done to him!

Hi MrsD, welcome to Marriage Builders. The problem with your marriage is that you keep bringing up the sad events of the past. If you are talking about the past, you are distracted from making the present and past great. I would pledge to never bring up the past again. Don't discuss it ever again. Every time it comes up, the unpleasantness of the past is brought into the present. It will ruin your marriage.

Instead, enlist your husband to make your marriage a happy, passionate, romantic relationship. If you follow these steps - and leave the past in the past - you can have a fantastic marriage. Basic Concepts

and read this: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts
and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Pick up this book: His Needs Her Needs

and this workbook: FIVE STEPS TO ROMANTIC LOVE

Not that you had an affair - you didn't - but Dr Harley wrote this about a situation that is similar to yours:

here

Thanks for the advice. I agree with you that the past is definitely ruining our marriage. But I also understand that he feels if he doesn�t know about it then I�m �getting away with it�. To him it is definitely an affair. At the very least emotional. He also believes that it�s likely I did kiss at least one of these men and that I have blocked it out of my mind due to guilt. Because I have forgotten so many things I wonder if he is right. I almost don�t believe my own memories anymore.

His need for honesty and openness is bigger than most people�s. He tells me everything, even any memories and details from his past relationships because he wants me to be included and know what he knows. He doesn�t want to have anything intimate with anyone other than me and feels if there are �secrets�, even if they are not intended, that is tarnishes what we share.

I will have a read of the links you shared, thank you.

This is where you should start. Start by explaining to him that you will never discuss this again and he is not to bring it up. It is over. But you have to stop rewarding him for trotting this out over and over again. Did you read the article excerpt about a spouse who uses past mistakes as a means to control his spouse?

And no, this is not an "affair." Not even an emotional affair, you weren't married. Not that it should even be discussed, but you should know that.

Change starts with you, MrsD, start by explaining to him that this should never be brought up again!

I don't think so, but even if it were the case....

SO WHAT? Would it better if you denied feeling any guilt and told him you don't feel bad about it?

I don't see how you not remembering some random dudes from ye old days can be a stick to beat you with. It's his CONSTANT unhappiness that's beating you up, not your forgetfulness.

Make no mistake he's keeping himself in a state of unhappiness and panic by harping on something which is unresolvable. It helps no one to allow it. If he had a solution you could do like 'oh I just need you to show me your letters from ye old days' he would have proposed it by now. There's no reason to bring it up with you because you can't help him with this, and allowing him to keep bringing it up keeps it alive in his mind. If its so painful to him, he would want this to stop.

What (doable thing) has he actually asked you to do?

Nothing. You are refusing him nothing.

I say this as someone who has a chronic need for O&H, and I would feel strongly about exes, never mind dating rivals; but it is very unpleasant to needlessly harp on your spouses old love imagery and he needs to either ask for a course of action or stop.

He also needs to learn about disrespectful judgements. (Look it up in the lovebusters section) Telling you you feel guilt, but that you don't know you feel guilt, and his superior knowledge of your psyche entitles him to....what? Have lots of fights and torture himself?

Stop the madness.

Has your husband posted here in the past? If not, would he be willing to create his own thread?

To those of us who've had marriages, homes, finances, blow up due to affairs. This wording is insulting. He has no idea.

I was going to ask the same questions.

What happened?


Also...
Have you had any contact with these ex-BF's that you still have feelings for during your marriage? Email, phone call contact? or social media relationships - such as FB friendship?

No there has been no contact with either of them. The last contact was with the one I went to visit when my husband and I had been dating a few weeks but I don�t remember that visit or what happened. Earlier this year my husband met him by chance and this is when I had some renewed feelings and that fantasy about going back to him.

Also they both live in a different country to me.

The event to bring up old trust issues wasn�t to do with another man. I was overseas for two weeks for a family birthday and had promised my husband I wouldn�t go out alone at night (as it�s an extremely dangerous country). I did anyway without telling him. From there all the old issues from the past came up and we haven�t been able to move forward since.

No he hasn�t posted here before. I�m not sure if he would want to but it would be good to see from his perspective.

Thank you so much for the replies. I really appreciate your time and advice. I understand what everyone is saying however knowing how much this means to him I really don�t think �letting it go� is an option. I also feel wrong asking him to stop talking about it because he has genuine feelings related to what happened and I owed him the truth back then. I was the one in the wrong. I could have done that from the start instead of being a fool and saved us all this misery. He feels like a fool and I can�t bear that. I really don�t believe he is using it to control me. I think he loves me very much and that�s why it hurts so much. In all honesty I was hoping for some advice on what I could do haha I�ve even looked into hypnotherapy to bring back memories but it doesn�t seem very likely to work.

Practical things I have offered are a lie detector test so he knows I am at least honest with him (but this does nothing to fix the issue of forgotten memories) and contacting these men and asking them to tell him what happened. We have actually contacted the one already. Not much came of it but he was very helpful and understanding. My husband doesn�t believe they will be honest anyway if we did in fact �get physical� so that solution isn�t good enough either. Plus what matters to him are my intentions and desires more than if we actually did anything.

I need a magical way to access my memories.

I will talk to him about maybe posting on here himself.

What are these details he is asking for though? If you were engaged to a guy and forgot his name, and he popped up to live next door and you still don't remember him, he has a point. However I don't think you've forgotten anything that big, have you?

So what kind of details does he expect you to remember? Is it five details or ten?

Is there a limit?


I'm sorry but you were completely entitled to take your time at the beginning of a relationship before acting like a married woman. Four months in before committing to him as your only option entirely is FINE. Him pressuring you into it is not.


Oh he does for sure. I have no doubt his pain is real but it is a terrible and extremely unhealthy habit he has fallen into to. You should not be supporting It!

Just like the way some people self harm in order to get the after-relief, your husband is addicted to talking this over and getting reassurance from you. So much so that he is willing to relive old pain over and over again. Never healing.

He has no solution because he does not want it to stop. He wants the impossible because he does not want it to stop. You could find that magic wand and he would find a way to use it to go back into the past and stay there forever!

Most people feel unloveable or inadequate sometimes. We all wonder if our spouse could do better. That's normal! While most adults learn to self soothe, your husband just cuts himself and bleeds at your feet for your company and insistence on loving him only until he's done feeling that way.

He never considers how painful this is for you (more painful than for him actually; a person you love! You feel responsible!) because he is genuinely in (self inflicted) pain. When we are in pain we become thoughtless.


He does expect you to let it go though. Whenever you suggest a solution (lie detector, huh? We would only recommend that for a serial adulterer...that's intense) his response is; Stop trying to solve this! I will NEVAH be able to get past this! What about the stuff you don't remember though?!! (Yeah, what ABOUT that?)

At the end of the day you never had affairs and you don't withold radical honesty. You. Offered. A. Lie. Detector. Test.

You are not the problem here.

I also just want to clarify that we don't mean simply abandoning him to his fears. There ARE healthy ways he can use to discuss his issues using this program.

Safe, respectful conversations.

It would be extremely easy to reassure him using this program.

But you have to stop the bad habits first.


"Darling, by allowing these conversations I fear it looks like I agree with them. I do not. I do not believe you are unloveable or that this is a marriage of convenience. If you try to insult my husband in my presence I will leave your presence".

Start with lovebusters before you try to tackle radical honesty. If you do it the wrong way round the 'honest' conversations are nothing but judgements, insults and fear.

You are proposing to wreck your marriage [worse than it is] and we will not help you do that. Like we said, this should never be brought up again. You should refuse to discuss it again. You are actually making it worse for your husband - and you - by trying to remember all this nonsense. You keep him obsessed and make your marriage an unhappy place. What you are doing is making the situation WORSE by trying to bring up memories that keep your obsessed husband triggered.

Did you want help to make your marriage better? We can help you with that, but we won't help you enact destructive ideas like you mentioned above. It is sick and dysfunctional.

Issues of the past should not be brought up again, period. This was not even a "mistake" because you were not married. You had every right to date around.

You are both actively working to make your marriage an unhappy, insecure place by pursuing your memories. You need to put a stop to it, MrsD. It is sick and dysfunctional. It hurts you both and prevents you from making your marriage a happy, romantic relationship. Nothing we tell you to do will overcome the destructive tactics you are employing.

Thank you all for your feedback. I hope I don�t come across as ungrateful or argumentative. I feel very broken and lost at the moment and I really want to do the right thing. I�m so scared of doing the wrong thing - perfectionist personality problems!

I have another question that I�ll put in another post.

I know the policy here is not to bring up past issues and mistakes but I�m curious as to what the person with questions is supposed to do? If they can�t get closure do they just have to choose not to care anymore or does the need to know disappear once the marriage is at its best?

Bingo!

When we are happy in the present, the past fades.

I also want to reiterate Melody Lane's point that living in the past is dangerous (I wonder why your feelings for an ex were revived? Does it have anything to do with your husband's iknowyouloveyourexiknowyouloveyourexiknowyouloveyourexletstalkaboutyourex constant mantra?). It's especially dangerous to listen to anyone who wants 'closure'. Closure is a codeword used by people who want to open can after can of worms. Your husband doesn't have *a* question; he has an obsession. The minute you give him one answer he'll have ten more questions.

It would never end.

So you've not doing been doing radical honesty with him anyway. Neither of you have any clue what it is. Radical honesty is respectful and brief. He's regurgitating hateful and invented ideas which are deliberately whipped up out of air. It's basically a massive lovebusting fest. .

Exhibit A;

There are just so many lovebusters and punishments present. Lovebusters are marriage killers. You will never resolve anything, or move on to anything when lovebusters are present.



For ten years. For the crime of being a young woman who looked at more than one man before choosing a lifetime mate.

I'm sure you have lovebusted back as well. Eliminate the lovebusters.

You don't have a chance for present happiness for as long as you lovebust over the past.

Oh!

It's just struck me that all his words and theories sound an awful lot like incel dogma. (Women are only attracted to Alphas but have to settle down with Omegas or Betas for 'long term prospects' (of a sexless marriage and being berated by their husbands) because women suck).

Do you know what kind of stuff he does online? If he fell in with the celibate brotherhood, during his spare room stay, it would keep him in just this sort of negative loop.

Those guys can nurture each other's past grudges for eternity, so make sure he's not on incel websites.

Wow I�ve never heard of that term before but definitely defines what he thinks. That the man before him was my �alpha� and he is my �long term good guy choice�. Funny thing is I was actually a virgin when we got married and he had 12 partners before me and was very sexually driven and active. He is the only man I�ve ever been with. This was a huge area of insecurity for me and in our early marriage instead of talking about it I assumed his lack of interest in me had to do with what I lacked that all those other women had. Pathetic hey?

He believes he was an alpha for other woman but not for me. I believe he is the right man to be my �alpha� but we have had issues since month 2/3 of our relationship so barely got to the chance to have those sparks and magic. Even with all that I knew he was what I wanted. He just thinks I learnt to love him over time and so was happy to stay.

I don�t think it�s too late for us. Hopefully I can fix everything!

mrs_d, the remedy for this stuff he has been listening to is Marriage Builders - it's going to be very much up to HIM to fix a lot of things, not just up to you. So please watch how you word what you say. Don't say it's all up to you because it is not. A wife can't fix everything in her marriage. It just can't be done - if you don't believe me, please email Dr. Harley and ask him personally.

Have you gotten the Marriage Builders app and started listening to Dr. Harley's daily radio show? How about your husband? He needs to be listening. He needs to get taught about how good marriages actually work from an expert who actually knows instead of a bunch of loser resentful men on the internet. If he doesn't, there is literally nothing you can do, so be insistent about this.

The person with the questions is supposed to stop talking about it. "Closure" means to close, not open. The more he speaks about it, the more he is triggered and the more unhappy your marriage. It should never be brought up again.

I would strongly urge you to follow Markos' advice and email Dr. Harley on his radio show. Download the free app and you can listen to his radio show. You can email him by following the instructions on this page: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

MrsD, are you happy living in an environment where you are punished for the past; where it is brought up endlessly? This type of treatment can only lead to a very unhappy marriage which makes you high risk for divorce. Going along with these destructive practices makes you an accessory to the destruction of your marriage. You have put up with this for a very long time and there will come a time where you either give up completely or you put a stop to it.

Does your husband suffer from anxiety?

I have a daughter with anxiety and this type of circular thought process and obsession over something is so familiar.
I do not allow this or engage in it, as much as she would like me too. Yes the anxiety is real, but the way to overcome it is NOT to obsess over it and talk about it over and over.

The MB program can help him change his behavior and start to focus on the present. YOU can learn to stop engaging in this. I am surprised you have engaged in it for so long when it obviously has no resolution and will only continue to damage your marriage.

Thanks again everyone. I have downloaded the app and will start listening to the radio segments today. I have also sent in an email to Dr Harley, basically what I already wrote here but with a bit more detail. I am mulling over the next steps.

I haven�t yet approached my husband with your advice or told him I want to follow MB but I plan to soon, I just want to make sure I have things straight in my mind. My biggest fear is that he will never be able to be open with me, trust me, or give his heart to me if he is not able to figure out the past. Me asking him to stop talking about it will not stop him from thinking about it and I think he will start to feel like I don�t care about him and drift further from me. His main thing is that he doesn�t want to be a fool.

Can MB principles work when one partner doesn�t trust the other? I mean if I am meeting his emotional needs he will probably think I�m forcing myself or acting and it won�t have the desired effect.

If I can only teach my kids one thing it will be never to lie. What a mess it makes!!

Mrs D, you are twisting yourself into knots and walking on eggshells in order to avoid your husband making up nonsense about you. It is his job to stop doing that.

This is exactly what Markos was talking about. Insist he pulls his finger out. This is an easy program for him to follow.


Then he should stop doing that. His behaviour is unbelievably foolish.



HE GOT THE GIRL .

If he still has not 'figured that out' he needs to get caught up and stop pouting.


1) You can't tell him what to think but he should stop saying this nonsense out loud where it is hurting you.
2) Insist he stop nurturing his disrespect towards you with anyone else too (friends or online)
3) I would make it clear that if he 'drifts away' or puts you under a regime of deliberate neglect, such as sleeping apart and no dates, that you will consider that to be marriage ending behaviour.

Do you have much practice in standing up for yourself?

I wouldn't go in snarling, but I would just tell him you want to get serious about a romantic marriage because it hurts you too much to be hurt by the person you love. I would say that you can't remain married to someone who neglects you and fights with you.

Try emailing Dr H first. He is wonderful at giving you confidence.

Let us know what Dr. Harley says.

Thanks I will let you know if I hear back from Dr H - hopefully I do! I�m also thinking maybe I can get my husband to email him from his perspective as I may view things differently to him and perhaps a response to him would be of more value.

I�ve seen that his son does phone marriage coaching so if all else fails I�ll go down that avenue. I don�t live in the US though but I�m sure we can work something out! You guys have helped me keep it together in the midst of a very hard time so thank you so much!!!

I�ve been trying to listen to the radio broadcast today but have not had much luck it just seems to hang. Is the app the only way to access it? It�s not only available to US listeners is it? Thanks

Got the radio working, yay!

This would be great! Dr Harley will be interested in giving you his perspective and coaching you both to abandon bad marriage habits.

My question was answered by Dr H on the show on Friday 14th for those interested. I�m about to listen to it will post a summary later.

Your segment starts around 41:00. Dr Harley said:

his taker is in charge and is ruining your marriage

he is abusive

he is badgering her

She is to tell him: what you are doing is hurting me and I will not participate anymore. I would strongly encourage her to never bring this up again. When he brings this up, refuse to discuss it.

what he is doing is abusive. She is to tell him: If you have questions about the past you have to keep them to yourself.

She is having fantasies about these men because he is forcing her to revisit her feelings about them. A dumb strategy. If you want her to love you then stop withdrawing love units. Her passion for him can be great for him if he starts treating her well. If he is hurting her then the reminder of these past relationships look better than her marriage.

The overall advice is to STOP talking about it and to stop tolerating the abuse. Your husband is not to bring it up again. He needs to get on anti-depressants. Stop fighting and eliminate lovebusters. Make sure your conversation is mutually enjoyable. Are you dating? Stop all this discussion about past relationships!

Her husband should be insecure because he is making his wife miserable and making himself REPULSIVE. He is making it likely you will leave.

Here is your question
mrs_desperate's question
Segment 2

Hi everyone I'd like to post an update on my situation. This year has been busy with a new baby in the house. My husband and I have not had a chance to follow the program yet due to the new baby. I spoke to Dr H soon after the birth and he said nothing was urgent just to continue on as is and then look at a separation in a few months if nothing had improved.

Well some things have come to light over the last few months and I am torn as to what to do.

You will remember from my first post that about 18 months ago my husband and i started talking about the beginning of our dating relationship in which i was not a very serious, honest and committed girlfriend. It created huge conflict. The advice was to leave the past in the past and move forward with falling in love.

We have never been able to let it go though and over the months both my husband and myself have remembered more and more of my awful behaviour.

In particular I was seeing another man behind his back for at least 8 months. Someone I was obsessed with at the time. I eventually told my husband about it before we became engaged but said we were just friends and had shared some emotional moments but nothing physical had happened.

I now remember very little of that time and find it very concerning that I have blocked out a whole unfaithful relationship from my memory.  This man I was seeing was very worldly and our previous relationship from before I met my husband ended because he did not want to be in a relationship without sex and I was waiting for marriage. So I cannot understand why he would want to be my "friend". It seems like we were seeing each other very regularly and I kept it all a secret. To me it does not sound friendly and innocent at all.

My husband and I waited till marriage to have sex and I told him I was a virgin. However there are many red flags suggesting that I was not in fact a virgin and that I slept with this other man during our so called 8 month emotional affair. I cannot remember ever sleeping with anyone other than my husband. I have many memories which align with me having been a virgin when we got married. However there are many red flags which I cannot answer and they seem very convincing. Also because I do not remember what I did with this other man for those 8 months its plausible that I was in fact sleeping with him and have made myself forget.

It sounds ridiculous. If anyone else told me any of the above I would say it's insane and that the person would remember having a sexual relationship and is just lying. My husband rightfully thinks the same of me. That I am just lying about it and will never own up to it. I want to open up to it if its true, I don't want to live my life with a deep dark secret but I honestly cannot remember sleeping with him or anyone else and I remember being a virgin on our wedding night. He says my memory of being a virgin is just self denial.

I am considering seeing a psychologist to help with memory retrieval. I've obviously suppressed memories due to guilt around the time. I saw him for many months behind my husband's back and now don't remember any of it. Also my husband remembers me sending this man a message about 6 months into our marriage and I only told him because I was scared someone had seen it by accident and may tell him. I don't remember that happening either and am disgusted that I even did that.

I want to give my husband everything he deserves. Honesty, faithfulness, commitment, love, sex. But he is very sure that he is not my only sexual partner and i am struggling to agree. I've tried for many months to remember. He thinks I'm just wasting time, gaslighting, lying etc and i don't blame him for a second. Anyone would tell him he is a fool to trust me.

I know we cannot move forward with this huge elephant in the foundation of our marriage. I've tried to convince myself that I had a sexual affair but I can never fully believe it.

I wonder if we should split up as we just do not connect at all. But I'm worried he is right and then I am throwing away a potentially incredible marriage and my family. I am open to remembering, as hurtful as it will be to both of us. But no matter how hard I have tried I do not seem to be able to remember.

He calls it my trump card... "I cant remember". It feels so pathetic and lame.

We now talk as if this sexual relationship happened. Its part of our daily communication and just assumed as fact. I don't even know what sex with this man would be like.

I don't know why I'm posting here but I guess I feel less alone. I cant believe what I have become and the life i am living and don't have much hope for anything ever being good again.

On a side note, besides the issues from our dating relationship I have my fair share of poor behaviour in our marriage. I had a bit of a snob attitude and have been very disrespectful to my husband in the past. I did come to recognize this and made efforts to change. Neither of us have ever made an effort to make the other feel special though, we've just lived together as parents and business partners. We are both extremely bad spouses in that regard. I recognize my faults and mistakes.

My suggestion would be to send this post to Dr.Harley and ask for his help. He is a licensed, clinical psychologist. This looks like an extreme case of gaslighting. You have allowed yourself to be gaslighted and your reality stolen. For some reason, your husband desperately wants to believe you cheated on him when you weren't even married. And you desperately want to manufacture memories that comply with his gaslighting. Why does a person gaslight his spouse? So he always has the upper hand. I encourage you to email Dr. Harley again and then perhaps find a local psychologist who can help you with some good solid reality testing. You have lost all connection to reality.

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting
Ga...ed to gain power. And it works too well.

This has got to stop.
Please contact Dr Harley ASAP.
It seems very likely that you are starting to develop false memories in response to your husband‘s accusations.
This kind of behaviour from your husband is way out of line and psychiatric problems should be ruled out in your husband. This is starting to look like a folie a deux.

Memory retrieval is known to produce vivid albeit false memories. The same thing can happen if you think about past experiences over and over intensively, trying to retreive memories.
You are starting to come up with memories from your past that seem very doubtful to me.
This is in line with people who are accused of a crime and after intense interrogation start confessing to crimes they did not admit.
In my professional opinion your husband’s behaviour is obsessive and controlling.

Please do not hesitate to contact Dr. Harley, before your husband succeeds in brainwashing you beyond recognition.
Good greef, he had a load of sexual partners and you were a virgin who is now married to a raving lunatic.

Stay sane and prepare for separation.
This is abuse, plain and simple. There is no excuse to treat any woman like that and certainly not the mother of your young children! You just had a baby and you deserve a husband who takes care of you and protects you. Not a mad hatter playing prosecuter.

Take care,

Happyheart, M.D.

And what Melody says!

Hi all, this is mrs_desperate's husband. She has asked me to post a response here.

I met my wife in 2006. From the start of our dating relationship I noticed something was off. She did not seem to be into me the way a person usually is at the start of a relationship.  She often appeared bored, was hard to get hold of, had many other plans so could not often see me etc.. plus I noticed her checking out other men everywhere we went.

A few weeks into our relationship we went to visit some friends of hers. She said she was going to say hi to a friend in the complex and disappeared for an hour or so. Her friends told me it was an ex and she needed closure. It did not sit right with me so I confronted her in the car and she lied to my face telling me he was nobody. And that I shouldn't worry. She told me things I wanted to hear so I dropped it. We went a second time to that same friends a few weeks later and again she left me there for about 2 hours to visit this "friend" and later told me she had been on the phone in the car. A few weeks later we were at a dinner party and right in front of me she flirted with a guy across the table completely dismissing me the entire evening. She then left the table in the hope he would follow her and she ended up alone with him for a period doing who knows what.

After that last encounter I started confronting her more but she became angry and defensive. Lying to me about everything. There were further instances that came out much later on with other men she was drunk with and flirted with etc while I was not around. A night she was out until 3am and "never remembered" where she was or who she was with. Thus ensued months and months of confrontations and lies. She got her and my family involved convincing them I was crazy and making things up. I was left completely alone and broken by her behaviour and constant lies and manipulation. I had no strength to make good decisions for myself.

For the rest of that year many weird things happened. Although we abstained from sex we were somewhat intimate and at times she would burst into tears or laugh at me. She would never tell me what was going on. One time she cried and cried after making out saying she was such a bad person and had done so many terrible things, how could God forgive her. And that I was amazing and would make a woman happy oneday. She refused to tell me what those bad things were.

We eventually found Dr Harley's book and I believed she had made a change committing to being honest and open. We worked through things. About a year later it came out she was seeing this ex for 8 months from the start of our relationship. She was obsessed with him and told me she would never feel like that towards me no matter what I did. It was impossible. She told me that at the beginning she used me to make him jealous in the hope he would want to date her. She made fun of me when around him etc but that they had eventually become friends and hung out a lot she couldn't remember much of it she said. It eventually ended because he moved in with his girlfriend and baby but he was sad to say goodbye. I wonder why they couldn't continue their "friendship" when he moved in with his girlfriend? If it was innocent there would be no reason for it to end.

I eventually chose to trust her believing she could be honest. The truth is she only worked on being open to a point to gain my trust but she never truly felt remorse or wanted me to know her. We got married. Sex was awful right from the start. She was not into it, said it was painful and there was no connection. I eventually stopped trying. 6 months into our marriage she tells me that she slipped up and messaged this man who she "had not seen in 2.5 years" which I now believe to be a lie. I think she saw him behind my back right onto our marriage. I was so disappointed.

She told me she was a virgin when we got married but she has lied about so many things and it doesn't add up. There is no way she was seeing this man alone multiple times a week over 8 months behind my back and not having sex.

Over the years I've tried to cultivate a sexual relationship but it has been like pulling teeth. She had "issues" which she said came from her Christian upbringing with sex being taboo. I thought she was just shy and needed to take thing slow but it has been very lonely for me and I have lost out on a sex life throughout all of my prime years.

I am willing to move forward with her in our marriage but I just cannot believe her when she says nothing happened with this man. She has been a liar and coward for so long, even she would admit that. She has used tactics to manipulate me, gaslight me, stonewall me, etc and she has never once come out of her own with something. I've had to dig and dig and dig and eventually she tells me only what she has to, nothing more. It does not add up that she was not sexual with this other man. And I feel like a fool to even consider this to be true. I've been a fool for our whole relationship, I cannot continue as one and maintain self respect. She has demasculated me in every was.

There are other red flags, many of them and extremely obvious ones as if what I've already mentioned isn't obvious enough.

So hopefully that gives you all a clearer picture. 

She says now she has blocked the whole relationship out of her mind and doesn't remember any of it. I don't know what to make of that, whether she really has forgotten or whether she just cannot face the reality of what she has done. Ive always had faith in her that she can be brave and honest but she hasnt really ever proven me right.

Where to from here, I'm not sure.

MrDesperate, we have a very clear picture of the situation.

MrsDesperate, please follow the advice we gave and contact Dr. Harley directly.

Trying to change the past is a surefire way to stay miserable in the present. Do as Melodylane says and contact Dr. Harley and actually follow his advice this time or you might as well cut things short and end this suffering by applying for divorce.

We emailed dr Harley but did not hear back from him. I'm okay with that. This will be my last post on here. You have all been wonderful and very encouraging and I feel I have wasted enough of your time as I am choosing another path. I just needed to write some final thoughts into the ether of the world wide web and then onto whatever the future has in store for me. As far as I'm concerned my life is over at 36 years old. I have had a few wonderful years with my children and for that I am eternally grateful even if that's all I get. I cannot ever imagine feeling happiness or contentment again, it's too late for that. I have made too many mistakes that cannot be rectified. My marriage is a wreck, I have given my husband ED from a decade of refusal of sex and I have driven myself to the brink of suicide and insanity. He cannot stay because of what a monster I am, but he cannot leave because he has nothing left in him to offer another woman. So he is ruined. I always thought I'd do well in this life but I have been a dreadful human being and have completely wasted another person's life. The man of my life. The one who was meant to be the most important. I've destroyed him. Taken away everything he ever wanted. I think I understand how murderers feel. The utter regret, despair and desperation to go back into the past and do things differently. I've spent the last two years, almost 24 hours a day thinking back to the past to find memories. I've finally accepted the monster that I am. I began dating my husband as a virgin, a church leader. I gave my virginity away 3 weeks into our dating relationship to a piece of scum I was obsessed with. I continued to have sex with him 3 times a week for the next 8 months while dragging my husband on a string to make the affair fun. I had casual sex with a stranger in the toilet of a shopping centre and again another in a parking lot. I turned myself to trash. I completely gave away my soul and my body while lying to my husband about being a virgin and making him abstain. After a break from seeing the OM I then resumed my sexual relationship before I got married, married my husband claiming to be a virgin while carrying on this sexual affair behind his back until 6 months into our marriage. I never once wanted to have sex with my husband and spent the next 10 years of our marriage avoiding it and pretending I was shy, inexperienced and insecure. I never planned on telling him and I never felt guilt. I took away his manhood and every one of the dreams he had for his life. I used him to father my kids and had no other use for him other than to make fun of him and mock him in my mind about what a loser he was and how unmanly he was. This is my reality now. I have finally after 2 years found some memories of the amazing sex I had with this other man and his 10 inches of steel. Sex that most people on the planet only ever dream of. I am a complete and utter monster. I cannot think of being anything worse than what I am. But I'm accepting my past. All other contradictory thoughts and memories are just self denial and need to shunned and discarded. Who knows what the future holds. Nothing I imagine. Just years of sitting and waiting for death. All I can say is life is cruel. Hope is cruel. Such a waste. I thought love would be amazing. Marriage would be amazing. Relationship would be amazing. Sex would be amazing. Its the exact opposite. If it weren't for my kids I would end this suffering. Maybe one of these days I'll do it anyway. I wish everyone else the very best, may you make better choices than I did and may life give you pleasure and peace. Something I no longer deserve.

Please get some help, you sound very traumatized and brainwashed. Do you have any family you can stay with? I’m praying you can get some outside help.

While the Marriage Builder's website cannot become involved in threats of this kind, please know that your pain is taken seriously. Please contact a suicide crisis center in your area, call 1-800-SUICIDE or call your family physician.

Mrsdesperate, please forward the email to me and I will reach out to Dr Harley. Thank you.

To be honest, this last post sounded more like something the mentally deranged husband would post.
Please take care and contact Dr. Harley.

Amen.

I don't know what someone hopes to achieve by posting stuff like that that could never have come out of her mouth.

I've been following your story Ms.D. Please be careful to stay safe.

This reminds me of a time I was bombarded with emails stating lies in an attempt to prove that a false thing was instead true for a court. If indeed this is posted by Mr. D. it could be a form of legal cover for him if something happens to Ms. D.