Constantly Looking at other Women - 06/05/19 10:47 PM
Hello Group , you might think i was writing a novel.
Me - Wife - age 60 - active somewhat fit
"D" - Husband - age 63 - active somewhat fit
First of all, the kind of looking that I am talking about is not just noticing a woman and getting a glance and moving on. No its much more. We just had our 1st anniversary and yes I noticed this kind of looking/ behavior when we dated and yes I addressed it and I married. I had noticed it so bad that I purchased him his own Her Needs His Needs book to read.
When we started dating I noticed it immediately as I have always been very alert and a very discerning person, so not a whole lot gets by me without noticing, Sometimes this is an advantage and sometimes its not.
1. First occurrence was in a restaurant when we were sitting in a booth. As we got up to leave of course we both saw a blonde sitting with her back to us, but we could only see the top of her head. As we headed out of the booth, my (D) walking in front of me totally turned around walking backwards started looking directly at the blonde in the booth. I was saying are you kidding me, I never uttered a word about the incident as we new into the relationship, but I put the incident into my memory.
2. While at a small restaurant/bar a girl walked by wearing shorts. (D) was at the very end of the table and when she walked by I noticed he had his elbow resting on the table with his hand propping his face.. When she walked by he casually leaned over to the right and got lower until she was out of his sight.
3. Another time we were going down the street and a woman was jogging on the sidewalk and how do I explain this reaction, but honestly he jumped a bit and turned his head in her direction but looked totally back as if he did a 180 head turn. I am not exaggerating it was like he heard a gun go off and turned to see where the sound came from, You might be pondering or giving him the benefit of the doubt that he might looking at something else, and i would have thought that too, however it was a Sunday afternoon and she was in front of an old abandoned building with no signs, no cars nothing to look at but only her. I then addressed the issue right then, actually a lot of these instances.He said he wasn't looking, then he said it doesn't mean he wants to sleep with them, he says all men look.
Ok, you have only 3 instances at the onset of my many grrrr moments. So now let me give you a bit of background info before I proceed.
Around or about the first month into dating prior to us having any sex..... i had what I call my interview in which i sat down with (D) and asked him what was he looking for in a woman, what were his goals. I asked him are you a Christian, do you smoke, do you drink a lot of alcohol, do you want to get married, do you like or watch porn have you ever taken drugs? Mind you that all these things that we discussed we were sitting on a bench next to a lake for a couple hours, trying to get to know if we had the same outlooks before getting to involved and emotionally attached. I asked him if his close female friend was indeed a friend or had he had sex with her. All of the above he answered with no's and a yes that he will drink a beer and that he tried pot back in the day. Some of his answers were no i don't like porn but i did see playboy books around my dads garage and that he used to go to strip joints back in the day. OK, so now i have what I assume is all my information and that it is laid out on the table as complete honesty as we didn't need to withhold any information. So the journey begins in which I am still seeing the looking and then there is this female friend. After figuring it out after only 4 months into our relationship the complete story was put on the table and I told him that I knew it was more and that I better get the truth. He told somewhat the truth, first well it was only a kiss but nothing more, i said nope that is not going to work, then inch by inch the truth started creeping out, yep they were in a full blown sexual relationship and she is married but he fully confessed that it had been over for more than a year. The kicker is that he tried to sell me that she was only a friend and that he couldn't wait for me to meet her and that she was so happy for him to have met me and we needed to go over and hang out play cards. Hmmmm. well somethings still wasn't sitting right, so about 9 months passed and I find out another lie about this fling being over a year ago. The fling was still going on when I first met him in March. They had actually had sexual relations in February..... wow what happened to a year ago, they had sex right up until I met him in March. I gulped down the news like swallowing vinegar. After we got married is when I found all the Porn...... yep. I found over 2 years of porn almost every night. This find almost threw my marriage into divorce, as we had only been married a little over 3 weeks when I found out this lie. He said if you knew you wouldn't have liked me. Really (D), i told him i could have handled the truth much better than being lied to he said well that was before i met you, then I showed him some of his porn that i snapshot.I showed him the dates and they were after we started dating. He said I had no business looking on his phone. he said some things you dont need to know just like finding out about the female friend. This is when i bought the book Her Needs , His needs in hopes that we can move on.
Looking at women is still a very large problem, granted he has curved some of the knee jerk reactions to look. I have watched (D) at traffic lights, He will follow the car with his head and eyes with any woman that is sitting at the intersection until she turns left and passes us, his eyes never fall away. I watch him lean over and view his right side mirror to watch every single car that goes by, in my opinion to get a glance if their is a woman in the car. i have watched him look in his rear view mirror and watch as they put on their makeup. Every car that passes us on the street interstate he constantly looks to see who is driving.I can 99% sure as we walk in to any place, he is already looking around as if to find where they are. This is what I see. He gets outright mad when i call him out on it. First response is that "I am tired of getting accused" Second response "I am not looking", Third response "All men do it" Fourth response "It doesn't mean anything" Fifth response "No One ever said anything to me before" *** this response is the worst he was married 43 years and he has not actually dated only 1 night stands with the girls at the bar with exception of the female friend that happens to be in his neighborhood.
Now how can all 5 responses be logical with each other, either they mean something or they don't, either he is looking or he isn't, I am not accusing as it is factual. How can he in the same breath say he isn't looking then immediately say all men look.This isn't Burger King and you can't have it all your way. I think he gets an actual rush. Its like a high and its a habit. I am here to tell you that not all men look at women like "D" does. this is almost like an addiction, not a casual happen chance that a girl walks by.
It is like a smoker that smokes habitually yet at the end of the day he can't count each cigarette that totaled to 2 to 3 packs a day. Like an alcoholic that can't see he is one, but everyone else can. I must tell you that I do have a video to prove what I said he does. Yes, the marriage counselor that I went to, said have you tried to video so that he can see it, I said no.The very next day I got my phone out and boom he actually re positioned himself in his seat ...you can plainly see "D"s head and body movements watch as the girl about 16 yrs old with shorts on as she goes out the door. I showed the video first to the counselor he agreed 100% i witnessed what he said was not happening. I showed the video to him while at the counselors office. He was mad that i made the video, but then he said you are right I was looking at her at least that is what the video shows, The counselor said no "D" you were checking her out. Needless to say that was our last and his only counseling session.
D has some great qualities indeed, most women would love to have what I have ,,,,,,,, however they don't see the entire picture, they don't know the underlying lie about the porn addiction that he had yet he said he didn't and other lies that he said is no big deal.
I do not believe that all men look with the exception of a hey and how do you do kind of thing.. I don't believe these blogs that says men can't help it and that is the way they are geared, if that were true, the entire society would be doomed if we all did what we wanted to do.
I am told that I am jealous. I perceive that comment as a cop out on the real issue which is "D"'s inability to look away. I told him it is disrespectful to me and how it made me feel. It is easier to blame me with bad behavior and bad habits. I told him that I rejected the excuse that I am jealous and that I won't drink the poison that he is trying to sell. I have too much proof that that it is more than being jealous. I think "D" became addicted at a very young age looking at Playboy around the age of 8 or 9, then onto strip clubs at the age of 17 then got into porn after his divorce of 37 years for 3 years night after night...... because "D" works in the service industry utilities he has a lot of time going from house to house and being on the road that he has became somewhat addicted and conditioned to looking at women and its the norm for him. You can 'D"sitting in grocery store parking lots when he is not busy at work, D can be found in parks for hours when he isn't busy. All the arguing he is now trying to find church parking lots to spend his time when work is slow.
sorry for the novel, i was just curious as to anyone's thoughts as it sure has placed a strain on my new marriage.
Basically i am not going to leave as I have been married for only a year and I was single for more than 23 years. My longtime boyfriend died in our 10th year together, so its not like I have been single too long and don't know how to act. This is not the case. I just want to give it my best shot. "D" does when it comes down to a really bad quarrel apologizes and says he will do better that he wants to be a good husband, i genuinely think he means it, but old habits are hard to break or so it seems.
Thanks everyone
Me - Wife - age 60 - active somewhat fit
"D" - Husband - age 63 - active somewhat fit
First of all, the kind of looking that I am talking about is not just noticing a woman and getting a glance and moving on. No its much more. We just had our 1st anniversary and yes I noticed this kind of looking/ behavior when we dated and yes I addressed it and I married. I had noticed it so bad that I purchased him his own Her Needs His Needs book to read.
When we started dating I noticed it immediately as I have always been very alert and a very discerning person, so not a whole lot gets by me without noticing, Sometimes this is an advantage and sometimes its not.
1. First occurrence was in a restaurant when we were sitting in a booth. As we got up to leave of course we both saw a blonde sitting with her back to us, but we could only see the top of her head. As we headed out of the booth, my (D) walking in front of me totally turned around walking backwards started looking directly at the blonde in the booth. I was saying are you kidding me, I never uttered a word about the incident as we new into the relationship, but I put the incident into my memory.
2. While at a small restaurant/bar a girl walked by wearing shorts. (D) was at the very end of the table and when she walked by I noticed he had his elbow resting on the table with his hand propping his face.. When she walked by he casually leaned over to the right and got lower until she was out of his sight.
3. Another time we were going down the street and a woman was jogging on the sidewalk and how do I explain this reaction, but honestly he jumped a bit and turned his head in her direction but looked totally back as if he did a 180 head turn. I am not exaggerating it was like he heard a gun go off and turned to see where the sound came from, You might be pondering or giving him the benefit of the doubt that he might looking at something else, and i would have thought that too, however it was a Sunday afternoon and she was in front of an old abandoned building with no signs, no cars nothing to look at but only her. I then addressed the issue right then, actually a lot of these instances.He said he wasn't looking, then he said it doesn't mean he wants to sleep with them, he says all men look.
Ok, you have only 3 instances at the onset of my many grrrr moments. So now let me give you a bit of background info before I proceed.
Around or about the first month into dating prior to us having any sex..... i had what I call my interview in which i sat down with (D) and asked him what was he looking for in a woman, what were his goals. I asked him are you a Christian, do you smoke, do you drink a lot of alcohol, do you want to get married, do you like or watch porn have you ever taken drugs? Mind you that all these things that we discussed we were sitting on a bench next to a lake for a couple hours, trying to get to know if we had the same outlooks before getting to involved and emotionally attached. I asked him if his close female friend was indeed a friend or had he had sex with her. All of the above he answered with no's and a yes that he will drink a beer and that he tried pot back in the day. Some of his answers were no i don't like porn but i did see playboy books around my dads garage and that he used to go to strip joints back in the day. OK, so now i have what I assume is all my information and that it is laid out on the table as complete honesty as we didn't need to withhold any information. So the journey begins in which I am still seeing the looking and then there is this female friend. After figuring it out after only 4 months into our relationship the complete story was put on the table and I told him that I knew it was more and that I better get the truth. He told somewhat the truth, first well it was only a kiss but nothing more, i said nope that is not going to work, then inch by inch the truth started creeping out, yep they were in a full blown sexual relationship and she is married but he fully confessed that it had been over for more than a year. The kicker is that he tried to sell me that she was only a friend and that he couldn't wait for me to meet her and that she was so happy for him to have met me and we needed to go over and hang out play cards. Hmmmm. well somethings still wasn't sitting right, so about 9 months passed and I find out another lie about this fling being over a year ago. The fling was still going on when I first met him in March. They had actually had sexual relations in February..... wow what happened to a year ago, they had sex right up until I met him in March. I gulped down the news like swallowing vinegar. After we got married is when I found all the Porn...... yep. I found over 2 years of porn almost every night. This find almost threw my marriage into divorce, as we had only been married a little over 3 weeks when I found out this lie. He said if you knew you wouldn't have liked me. Really (D), i told him i could have handled the truth much better than being lied to he said well that was before i met you, then I showed him some of his porn that i snapshot.I showed him the dates and they were after we started dating. He said I had no business looking on his phone. he said some things you dont need to know just like finding out about the female friend. This is when i bought the book Her Needs , His needs in hopes that we can move on.
Looking at women is still a very large problem, granted he has curved some of the knee jerk reactions to look. I have watched (D) at traffic lights, He will follow the car with his head and eyes with any woman that is sitting at the intersection until she turns left and passes us, his eyes never fall away. I watch him lean over and view his right side mirror to watch every single car that goes by, in my opinion to get a glance if their is a woman in the car. i have watched him look in his rear view mirror and watch as they put on their makeup. Every car that passes us on the street interstate he constantly looks to see who is driving.I can 99% sure as we walk in to any place, he is already looking around as if to find where they are. This is what I see. He gets outright mad when i call him out on it. First response is that "I am tired of getting accused" Second response "I am not looking", Third response "All men do it" Fourth response "It doesn't mean anything" Fifth response "No One ever said anything to me before" *** this response is the worst he was married 43 years and he has not actually dated only 1 night stands with the girls at the bar with exception of the female friend that happens to be in his neighborhood.
Now how can all 5 responses be logical with each other, either they mean something or they don't, either he is looking or he isn't, I am not accusing as it is factual. How can he in the same breath say he isn't looking then immediately say all men look.This isn't Burger King and you can't have it all your way. I think he gets an actual rush. Its like a high and its a habit. I am here to tell you that not all men look at women like "D" does. this is almost like an addiction, not a casual happen chance that a girl walks by.
It is like a smoker that smokes habitually yet at the end of the day he can't count each cigarette that totaled to 2 to 3 packs a day. Like an alcoholic that can't see he is one, but everyone else can. I must tell you that I do have a video to prove what I said he does. Yes, the marriage counselor that I went to, said have you tried to video so that he can see it, I said no.The very next day I got my phone out and boom he actually re positioned himself in his seat ...you can plainly see "D"s head and body movements watch as the girl about 16 yrs old with shorts on as she goes out the door. I showed the video first to the counselor he agreed 100% i witnessed what he said was not happening. I showed the video to him while at the counselors office. He was mad that i made the video, but then he said you are right I was looking at her at least that is what the video shows, The counselor said no "D" you were checking her out. Needless to say that was our last and his only counseling session.
D has some great qualities indeed, most women would love to have what I have ,,,,,,,, however they don't see the entire picture, they don't know the underlying lie about the porn addiction that he had yet he said he didn't and other lies that he said is no big deal.
I do not believe that all men look with the exception of a hey and how do you do kind of thing.. I don't believe these blogs that says men can't help it and that is the way they are geared, if that were true, the entire society would be doomed if we all did what we wanted to do.
I am told that I am jealous. I perceive that comment as a cop out on the real issue which is "D"'s inability to look away. I told him it is disrespectful to me and how it made me feel. It is easier to blame me with bad behavior and bad habits. I told him that I rejected the excuse that I am jealous and that I won't drink the poison that he is trying to sell. I have too much proof that that it is more than being jealous. I think "D" became addicted at a very young age looking at Playboy around the age of 8 or 9, then onto strip clubs at the age of 17 then got into porn after his divorce of 37 years for 3 years night after night...... because "D" works in the service industry utilities he has a lot of time going from house to house and being on the road that he has became somewhat addicted and conditioned to looking at women and its the norm for him. You can 'D"sitting in grocery store parking lots when he is not busy at work, D can be found in parks for hours when he isn't busy. All the arguing he is now trying to find church parking lots to spend his time when work is slow.
sorry for the novel, i was just curious as to anyone's thoughts as it sure has placed a strain on my new marriage.
Basically i am not going to leave as I have been married for only a year and I was single for more than 23 years. My longtime boyfriend died in our 10th year together, so its not like I have been single too long and don't know how to act. This is not the case. I just want to give it my best shot. "D" does when it comes down to a really bad quarrel apologizes and says he will do better that he wants to be a good husband, i genuinely think he means it, but old habits are hard to break or so it seems.
Thanks everyone