Status - 07/09/20 06:24 PM
So there is no affair. Let me get that out of the way first.
Now on to some udpates:
As you know, she came home in May and told me she was 'done'. She had made the decision to leave, move home to another state, and absolutely ruled out counseling. She felt trapped. She needed to get in a car and drive in one direction until she ran out of gas. She then agreed to counseling but said she wasn't doing it for her but for me and the kids.
We are now on day 39. Here is what has happened since:
-- our relationship continues to be friendly and very cooperative. In fact, we continued to have sex up until the separation outlined below -- however I could tell day to day that she was distant and cold when it came to hugs/kisses/saying she loved me, etc. She would say it back but not initiate it.
-- We went to counseling -- a faith based counselor-- and they recommended we do a therapeutic separation for 30 days. She came home after that and said she didn't think it was a good idea because it wasn't fair to me (I wouldn't be able to work on things and I'd be out of my home)
-- We went back to counseling the following week and proposed that instead she move into our detached pool house. The counselor agreed. She said the point of this was to give us time to work on ourselves with individual counseling and also to break her 'fight or flight' trapped feeling. So she asked her to slow her roll on moving to which she agreed.
-- After this meeting she ordered us a bunch of self help books like the 5 Love Languages and Crucial Conversations. That was her prerogative, not mine. Granted she hasn't finished the first book yet and I have...but she did order them.
-- A few days into the separation it became clear that this is HARD. We can't help but talk. We bump into each other and wind up chatting.
-- 5 days into the separation we called a time out and talked. She let me know that she is taking moving away off the table. She wants the kids to be able to finish school (3 years). So she says she isn't going to grab the first job offer and run. She also said this gives me the 'gift of time' when it comes to working on it. So giving her some space may have broken the fight or flight.
-- We also decided together that maybe we don't put a time table on her living across the patio and that instead we start some basic dating again to see if we can ignite the flame again. This is an idea we will float with the counselor in our checkup next Friday.
Our interactions are playful when we do bump into each other. We call each other neighbor. It's almost flirty. She says she's going to 'tell on me' for breaking the contract which of course is absurd because it's been both of us. In the same span of time, however, she's reiterated her current 'position' of being 'done'.
Additionally -- we have a big family vacation scheduled for the end of this month which she is excited about and determined to go through with.
Now on to some udpates:
As you know, she came home in May and told me she was 'done'. She had made the decision to leave, move home to another state, and absolutely ruled out counseling. She felt trapped. She needed to get in a car and drive in one direction until she ran out of gas. She then agreed to counseling but said she wasn't doing it for her but for me and the kids.
We are now on day 39. Here is what has happened since:
-- our relationship continues to be friendly and very cooperative. In fact, we continued to have sex up until the separation outlined below -- however I could tell day to day that she was distant and cold when it came to hugs/kisses/saying she loved me, etc. She would say it back but not initiate it.
-- We went to counseling -- a faith based counselor-- and they recommended we do a therapeutic separation for 30 days. She came home after that and said she didn't think it was a good idea because it wasn't fair to me (I wouldn't be able to work on things and I'd be out of my home)
-- We went back to counseling the following week and proposed that instead she move into our detached pool house. The counselor agreed. She said the point of this was to give us time to work on ourselves with individual counseling and also to break her 'fight or flight' trapped feeling. So she asked her to slow her roll on moving to which she agreed.
-- After this meeting she ordered us a bunch of self help books like the 5 Love Languages and Crucial Conversations. That was her prerogative, not mine. Granted she hasn't finished the first book yet and I have...but she did order them.
-- A few days into the separation it became clear that this is HARD. We can't help but talk. We bump into each other and wind up chatting.
-- 5 days into the separation we called a time out and talked. She let me know that she is taking moving away off the table. She wants the kids to be able to finish school (3 years). So she says she isn't going to grab the first job offer and run. She also said this gives me the 'gift of time' when it comes to working on it. So giving her some space may have broken the fight or flight.
-- We also decided together that maybe we don't put a time table on her living across the patio and that instead we start some basic dating again to see if we can ignite the flame again. This is an idea we will float with the counselor in our checkup next Friday.
Our interactions are playful when we do bump into each other. We call each other neighbor. It's almost flirty. She says she's going to 'tell on me' for breaking the contract which of course is absurd because it's been both of us. In the same span of time, however, she's reiterated her current 'position' of being 'done'.
Additionally -- we have a big family vacation scheduled for the end of this month which she is excited about and determined to go through with.