Which Emotional Need or Love Buster is this? - 03/17/22 12:08 AM
I have read the books in the past and recently reviewed all the concepts and the forum and I can't quite find an example like my situation. I thought asking in the forum might help.
Four years ago, my husband quit his job because he didn't feel like they were compensating him enough and respecting him for his work. He served on multiple non-profit boards that directly benefited his employer, but his employer was making him use his PTO to attend the board meetings. When it was time to ask for a raise, he realized that they could not afford to give him a raise, so he asked for an increase in his PTO to at least cover these other work-related meetings. They said "no", so he resigned. Then, he started telling all our friends that he "retired". He continues to serve on three of the non-profit boards, which is uncompensated, but something that he really enjoys and it only takes a few days each month. During this same time, I received a large raise, so the decrease in his income has not negatively impacted our lifestyle.
Three years ago, my husband's mother died after a long battle with cancer. She did not complete a will, so her estate has been a mess. He is not anticipating a lot of money from it and has some ill-feelings towards one family member, so he has decided to mostly stay out of it and let his sister try to clean it up. Her house still needs to be cleaned out, but he has only gone over there three times to work on it with his sister.
I bring these two incidents up, because at first these were the reasons why I ignored my feelings about his behavior. I knew he was having a hard time dealing with both of these losses and I didn't want to add to his stress. For some men, "retirement" can mean .. "yeah, I finally have time to finish all the work around the house". Our house is unfinished, so I was actually hopeful that his "retirement" would led to the house getting finished. We aren't wealthy, but we could afford to do one small project at a time and he says that doing that type of work is something that he can and wants to do. He doesn't want to hire anyone to do it for us. I also thought that his "retirement" would give him time to clean out his mother's house. However, "retirement" for my husband has meant that he sleeps in, works out intermittently, watches TV for at least 4 hours during the day, and hangs out with his friend that is on disability and does not work.
I continue to work full-time and continue to do most of the cooking and all of the house cleaning; as I have throughout our 25+ years marriage. When we were both working, it did not bother me that I was doing most of the cooking and all of the house cleaning. If he was busy working on house projects or cleaning out his mother's house, it would still not bother me that I am doing most of the cooking and all of the house cleaning. However, it is starting to really bother me, because he is not doing anything "productive" all day. I have tried to encourage him to be in charge of dinner each night, because he is a better cook than me. But, if I don't plan a dinner, then when I come home and ask him what he has planned for dinner, he hasn't thought about it 8 times out of 10.
My "taker" keeps telling me that it isn't fair that I work all day and then "work" when I come home, while he just does whatever he feels like doing all day. But, if I look at it from his perspective ... why would I be upset that he isn't cooking and cleaning, I've been doing those things for 25+ years?
Every time I try to talk to him about working on the house, he says things like "I know I want to get X house project done too", but then nothing happens.
We have not been saving what we should have for our retirement, so I don't see myself retiring anytime soon. I am turning 50 years old next month and if this is what the next 30+ years are going to look like, I am not sure I want to stay here.
Any advice? Which Emotional Need or Love Buster do you think I need to discuss with him or work on?
Four years ago, my husband quit his job because he didn't feel like they were compensating him enough and respecting him for his work. He served on multiple non-profit boards that directly benefited his employer, but his employer was making him use his PTO to attend the board meetings. When it was time to ask for a raise, he realized that they could not afford to give him a raise, so he asked for an increase in his PTO to at least cover these other work-related meetings. They said "no", so he resigned. Then, he started telling all our friends that he "retired". He continues to serve on three of the non-profit boards, which is uncompensated, but something that he really enjoys and it only takes a few days each month. During this same time, I received a large raise, so the decrease in his income has not negatively impacted our lifestyle.
Three years ago, my husband's mother died after a long battle with cancer. She did not complete a will, so her estate has been a mess. He is not anticipating a lot of money from it and has some ill-feelings towards one family member, so he has decided to mostly stay out of it and let his sister try to clean it up. Her house still needs to be cleaned out, but he has only gone over there three times to work on it with his sister.
I bring these two incidents up, because at first these were the reasons why I ignored my feelings about his behavior. I knew he was having a hard time dealing with both of these losses and I didn't want to add to his stress. For some men, "retirement" can mean .. "yeah, I finally have time to finish all the work around the house". Our house is unfinished, so I was actually hopeful that his "retirement" would led to the house getting finished. We aren't wealthy, but we could afford to do one small project at a time and he says that doing that type of work is something that he can and wants to do. He doesn't want to hire anyone to do it for us. I also thought that his "retirement" would give him time to clean out his mother's house. However, "retirement" for my husband has meant that he sleeps in, works out intermittently, watches TV for at least 4 hours during the day, and hangs out with his friend that is on disability and does not work.
I continue to work full-time and continue to do most of the cooking and all of the house cleaning; as I have throughout our 25+ years marriage. When we were both working, it did not bother me that I was doing most of the cooking and all of the house cleaning. If he was busy working on house projects or cleaning out his mother's house, it would still not bother me that I am doing most of the cooking and all of the house cleaning. However, it is starting to really bother me, because he is not doing anything "productive" all day. I have tried to encourage him to be in charge of dinner each night, because he is a better cook than me. But, if I don't plan a dinner, then when I come home and ask him what he has planned for dinner, he hasn't thought about it 8 times out of 10.
My "taker" keeps telling me that it isn't fair that I work all day and then "work" when I come home, while he just does whatever he feels like doing all day. But, if I look at it from his perspective ... why would I be upset that he isn't cooking and cleaning, I've been doing those things for 25+ years?
Every time I try to talk to him about working on the house, he says things like "I know I want to get X house project done too", but then nothing happens.
We have not been saving what we should have for our retirement, so I don't see myself retiring anytime soon. I am turning 50 years old next month and if this is what the next 30+ years are going to look like, I am not sure I want to stay here.
Any advice? Which Emotional Need or Love Buster do you think I need to discuss with him or work on?