Hi, I am a mother of two young boys and have been married to my husband for five years. Tonight I asked him to take the boys for an hour so I could have some alone time. I teach PreK and am with children from almost the time I wake up until shortly before I go to bed. However, my husband didn’t like/understand this question. I tried to explain how I felt but he still wasn’t comfortable with me feeling like I need an hour to myself. We decided to see what MB might recommend. Thank you.

Welcome to MB. Do you and your husband follow the MB basic concepts?

How much UA time are you getting?

We do follow the basic concepts. We don’t always get the recommended hours but we aim for time together every evening and a few times each evening after the kids go to bed.

Welcome to MB.

It isn't a good idea for you to dump your need to be alone on him suddenly after his own day that was probably full of mixed experiences. If he was looking forward to being together with you and the boys before their bedtimes, it might have been a bit insensitive for you to hand them to him and walk away.

It seems that the problem wasn't that you were looking after your own kids all day, but that you'd been teaching other young kids. Is there a way of refocusing your job so that you do not have so much face-to-face time with little ones? (Forgive me, I'm not sure what age-group "PreK" is or what the alternative might be.) Are your own kids of school age? Why are you with them until shortly before you go to bed - aren't you able to get at least two hours between their bedtimes and yours?

There are ways to brainstorm the problem, but you cannot begin to do this until you have discussed the whole issue with your husband. It is not a good idea to deal with this as and when it comes up - that leaves your husband thinking "Is it all about her? What about my needs?"

Dr Harley recommends planning the week together so that you both get time for work and travel and time for things that are important to you, including family time and dating. You could plan time for solo interests - nothing that is dangerous or risky to the marriage - in a way that does not imply that you need to get away from each other. You wouldn't have to plan every single week if you got into a routine that suited the stages your kids are at now.

I recommend reading His Needs Her Needs for Parents which will give you a wealth of ideas to resolve this problem.

Is this a regular issue or was it a one-time thing? If it's ongoing, it sounds like an issue that should be negotiated. Would this meet your need for one (or more) of Affection, Family Commitment, and Domestic Support? That's a valid request, but of course it shouldn't be a demand. Even if it was a one-time thing, it would be worthwhile to understand each other's sides thoroughly.