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betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... #1562406
01/13/06 10:10 AM
01/13/06 10:10 AM
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
ark^^ Offline OP
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ark^^  Offline OP
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Posts: 5,906
Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....

those post D-day days weeks and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...

be still.....

In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....

be still...

There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....

easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....

but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..

fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...

the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....

the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....

they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...

be still

it takes time.....

too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...

it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night

working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...

be still

for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....

they did this...and they must undo this...

will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....

WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....

they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..

so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...

the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....

force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate

or even worse they will self destruct themselves....

be still....

don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that

be still
and then make your moves....

ARK^^

Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: ark^^] #1562407
01/13/06 10:13 AM
01/13/06 10:13 AM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
la la land aka land of fruits ...
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faithful follower Offline
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la la land aka land of fruits ...
Wow! 'nuff said...thanks Ark!


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: faithful follower] #1562408
01/13/06 10:39 AM
01/13/06 10:39 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 34
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jmims Offline
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WOW is right!!! thanks!


jmims
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: faithful follower] #1562409
01/13/06 10:40 AM
01/13/06 10:40 AM
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 28
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HurtE Offline
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Thank's for the post. I needed that today.

Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: HurtE] #1562410
01/13/06 10:49 AM
01/13/06 10:49 AM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 401
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Flukeboy Offline
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Perfect.


Me (BS) 36 FWW 35 Married 5/25/91 DS-7 DD - Born 11/8/05 !!! PA #1 12/1996 PA #2 4/01 to 1/04 NC 1/04 There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread. - Mahatma Gandhi Don't think exposure is a good idea? Go here... From Harley Himself
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: Flukeboy] #1562411
01/13/06 10:55 AM
01/13/06 10:55 AM
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 531
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MAMAFISH Offline
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Ark,

You are always like a breath of fresh air...I needed to hear this today after a long week. You have always provided me with insight and helped to refocus my energies on myself.

Thank you for your insight and wisdom!


BW (Me) 39 FWH (41) Married 14 yrs DS 4/2000 DD 12/2002 DD 8/2005 PA 1/05 - 9/12/05 D-Day 10/13/05 Status: Trying to rebuild
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: Flukeboy] #1562412
01/13/06 10:57 AM
01/13/06 10:57 AM
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873
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lunamare Offline
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Right on, Ark, right on!

Thank you.


XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: MAMAFISH] #1562413
01/13/06 10:57 AM
01/13/06 10:57 AM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 977
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new_beginningII Offline
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Perfectly said...



Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: ark^^] #1562414
01/13/06 11:04 AM
01/13/06 11:04 AM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Shrek's Swamp
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Pepperband Offline
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Shrek's Swamp
Quote:

be still
and then make your moves....





didn't you mean to say

"be still

and then make your movies"

?????????



really great Ark

Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: Pepperband] #1562415
01/13/06 11:11 AM
01/13/06 11:11 AM
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
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mimi_here Offline
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I THINK THIS IS WONDERFUL!!

For me, this brought to mind: "BE STILL..AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD"

For when I AM STILL, I FEEL AND KNOW THAT HE IS WITH ME...I CAN FEEL HIS PRESENCE....

It's a BS coping skill.."LET GO AND GET GOD"


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: new_beginningII] #1562416
01/13/06 11:15 AM
01/13/06 11:15 AM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
England,United Kingdom
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Bob_Pure Offline
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Ark, your words are wise, as ever Dear Lady.

I would also add that a BS ( and maybe FWS of good heart too) should take heart from their ACTIONS and intent, not from the immediate results of those actions.

There is contentment to be found even amidst the chaos, when you take moments to consider your actions and intent and you find them to be brave and noble. I have learned this.


MB Alumni
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: Bob_Pure] #1562417
01/13/06 11:16 AM
01/13/06 11:16 AM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Shrek's Swamp
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Pepperband Offline
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Shrek's Swamp
((( Bob )))

my friend

Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: Pepperband] #1562418
01/13/06 11:39 AM
01/13/06 11:39 AM
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 77
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devastatednewmom Offline
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Ark

Thank you for that.

I needed to hear it...again

Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: ark^^] #1562419
01/13/06 04:37 PM
01/13/06 04:37 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Shrek's Swamp
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Pepperband Offline
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Shrek's Swamp
*** way up there ***

Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: Pepperband] #1562420
01/13/06 04:44 PM
01/13/06 04:44 PM
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
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hurtinginokla Offline
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Beautifully said ARk..... I really needed this today....

Thanks Pep for the bump.....

I just printed this out so I can read it when I get myself to the point of wanting to say or do something.... This can help me stay grounded and not make a mistake......

Last edited by hurtinginokla; 01/13/06 04:48 PM.

BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: hurtinginokla] #1562421
01/13/06 05:14 PM
01/13/06 05:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,387
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cc46 Offline
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Very wise. I now understand why WH has probably not tried to contact me. He can't face me.

I have been very still and have not lost hope.

Thank you


cc

"Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: ark^^] #1562422
01/13/06 05:36 PM
01/13/06 05:36 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 427
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NewLife05 Offline
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Posts: 427
Ark,

I am such an edgey, pissy mess right now. Thank you for the reminder that this takes time....and to be still. That is a tall order for me sometimes...wanna get to the "better" part of this.


Formerly known as ItHurtzSoBad

Me-46,H-51
DDAY-2/22/05
Married 26 years
d-21,s-17

"If you have integrity nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." ~Alan Simpson
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: NewLife05] #1562423
01/13/06 10:25 PM
01/13/06 10:25 PM
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
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ark^^ Offline OP
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ark^^  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
I am such an edgey, pissy mess right now.

I for one have been there many many times...

be well..
move slowly,,,

ARK

Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: ark^^] #1562424
01/13/06 10:41 PM
01/13/06 10:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 646
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Loy Offline
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very good advice that "be still"

it is when you can do no more, when there is nothing else you can do, when miracles happen

we take it so far and then God brings us home


Loy
Re: betrayed spouses...............JUST BE STILL........... [Re: ark^^] #1562425
01/14/06 10:45 AM
01/14/06 10:45 AM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 322
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LWP36 Offline
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Dear Ark,

Thanks. These words let me know that someone understands exactly where I am...I feel so much loneliness and pain sometimes and just want to scream..."Tell me, Tell me, Tell me...what is it that you plan to do?...do you want me, her?...how long do I wait?" I haven't screamed yet. Sometimes I think I'm silently screaming...then I think of calming things, soothing things, try to refocus my energies and ignore that stomping noisy "elephant in my living room."

This morning I read your post and I cried. It validated my feelings and in my heart and soul I believe your suggestion is what is right for me...it is agonizing at times. I'm just so lonely. Why, why, why should I be rising above all the time...it just hurts so much...I feel quite a bit like a fool...I can't help but think am I being fooled.

Thanks again, your words are so kind...what a thoughtful person you are.


Last edited by Justuss; 08/29/06 10:36 AM.
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