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be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117130
03/07/04 07:11 PM
03/07/04 07:11 PM
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ark^^ Offline OP
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I posted this to lostwithouther a short while back..

I liked this post...
I still pray now more than ever he can become the lighthouse....

I hope some others find comfort from the storm...


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117131
03/07/04 07:21 PM
03/07/04 07:21 PM
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lordslady Offline
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Ark,

That was really good--not what I'd normally expect you to post, but very motivating.

I've failed my Plan B miserably by repeatedly answering WH's calls. I don't know how to redeem myself or if it's possible. I don't want my M to fail (okay, it already has--I don't want it to end).

How do I become the lighthouse to an alcoholic WS in Plan B? Is it possible?

LL

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117132
03/07/04 07:24 PM
03/07/04 07:24 PM
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ISGirl Offline
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Hi ark,

Remember me? I'm Lost Bird's BS. You've been trying to get through to him for...over a month now.

Well, he made noises last week about finally ending contact and sending the n/c letter...no later than Monday or Tuesday of this coming week. Remember, he wanted to call OW first? Everyone was telling him it was WRONG!

Well, he said he understood, finally, and said he wouldn't call. So, instead, far as I can tell, he went and was with her this weekend!

The light is burning dimmer and dimmer in this lighthouse, sad to say. His boat is about to overturn with catastrophic results.

Sad, sad, sad. He really seems to want to come home, but falls prey to this addiction time and time again. And lies, and lies.

Now nearly 2 years since d-day. Can't stand much more of living this way. And he believes, from his behavior, anyway, that I will just continue to be a doormat, waiting for him to come home.

Anyway, I guess this is kinda a threadjack. Wanted to be able to be the beacon, and God knows I have tried and tried. But you run out of power after a while...

[ March 08, 2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117133
03/07/04 09:01 PM
03/07/04 09:01 PM
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Thank you, ARK.

I have actually posted to others to shine the light of their love through the fog, so their WS's could find them again.

Guess I should listen to you, since I can't seem to listen to what I say to others.

Doing what is best in these situations is so much about perspective. Loss vs. gain. Bitterness vs. forgiveness. Letting go vs. receiveing.

All are opposite sides of the same coin. All traits and behavior have a positive and a negative. Intention determines perspective.

Ah, to become clear on intention.

Do I want to save my M and have a better M, or do I want to brow-beat my WH? Do I want to help him feel confident and proud of himself some day to be a better H and father, or do I want him to come cowering back to me, tail between his legs, ashamed and broken?

I want a whole man back in my life. I want an astounding M with my best friend, the father of my children. That is my intention.

Release. Relax. Let go. Patience. Wait. Be still.

SS

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117134
03/08/04 07:35 AM
03/08/04 07:35 AM
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Posts: 2,251
Drive-by poster from another w...
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Just J Offline
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Drive-by poster from another w...
ark^^ - A truly lovely post.

Lordslady, have a look at what Dr. Harley says about alcoholism. He takes a very hard line on that, and anything people say here to the contrary is, I suspect, only going to get you in trouble. The ONLY thing you can do is get out of the way of the addiction. Please go to an AlAnon meeting to get help. This isn't something you should have to handle on your own.

And... please, stay completely dark while you're in Plan B. Here's what your WH hears every time you answer a call: "I didn't really mean it when I said I didn't want to have contact with you. I don't respect myself enough to set completely reasonable boundaries. In fact, please feel free to continue to walk all over me and allow your addiction to keep running BOTH our lives."

No matter what you SAY, that's what your actions are telling him, and his entire being will respond to the actions, not the words.

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117135
03/08/04 08:22 AM
03/08/04 08:22 AM
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lighthouse Offline
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Nicely written.

I liked this....gee...wonder why?

:-)

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117136
03/08/04 08:49 AM
03/08/04 08:49 AM
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awed18 Offline
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beautiful post ark!

awed

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117137
03/09/04 09:10 AM
03/09/04 09:10 AM
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This is such a great post, I am going to read it 3 times before my appointment today. To remind me of my purpose, my intent.

So, [BUMP] to the first page! For easy access!

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117138
03/09/04 09:51 AM
03/09/04 09:51 AM
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nid Offline
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Thanks Ark. I needed that. I hope I'm getting better at being that lighthouse. My H is so confused. Have you read any of my threads? I would love your opinion. I have done a lot of editing, so they may not make much sense.

Thanks again. I will re-read that whenever my light begins to fade.

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117139
03/09/04 07:31 PM
03/09/04 07:31 PM
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Lisa103 Offline
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ark...that what an amazing thread!! You are so right about the feelings of the WS. I used to feel like the OM's wife needed to know about the A like my H does. I have to say, and there may be many here that don't agree, but I'm glad that she doesn't. I read the posts here by the BS and it breaks my heart. They did nothing to ask for what has happened to them nor did they have the ability to control it like the WS did. There have been many BS that have somehow found it in their heart to comfort me when I was feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't getting the closure that I thought I deserved from the OM. The remorse that has set in is overwhelming but I know it's necessary. The BS and the FWS here have offered support and compassion that humbles me even more so that my own actions have.

Thanks again for that post. MB has been a forum that I have been able to use to vent my innermost feelings. I have to say that I have not been hit by many 2 x 4's either [Smile] although I know that I have deserved them.

Thanks again Arc

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117140
03/10/04 01:06 AM
03/10/04 01:06 AM
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lost-without-her Offline
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Ark^^

I remember that post. I have tried to be a lighthouse but then a stupid thing happened to me, I got bitter at OM and and invoked my attempt at revenge. Instead of being a better person, I let my emotions get the better of me and it backfired, like any revenge act should... Anyway, I think my light has flickered and burned out. WW and OM are both angry at me. I don't really care about OM, but I messed up big time and WW has threatened DV for the first time in a very long time. I'm almost at the point of signing the papers if she were to send them. I love her but I can't do this much longer. I'm tired of hurting, tired of being the good guy, tired of letting her get me down... Tired...

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117141
03/10/04 11:01 AM
03/10/04 11:01 AM
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ark^^ Offline OP
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lost..
I know I have read your posts...
I am going to be honest and say that I believe that for a long time you have been way to focused on him and her...

that you never were able to pick a strict plan and stick to it...

that when you claimed plan B...and she had left to move in with him....you would call and give her the road condition report...and though you meant well you needed to see her interpertation of these acts of kindness....albeit warped...


and when she left you a letter filled with confusion you went dark on her...when in my opinion you should have gone stable knight standing in the corner...

I tell you this not to add to your pain...but because once again I think that if you can get your energy going in the right direction then you may stand a better chance at this...and even if you don't get back together she will see the man you have become....

Again you need to let her have glimpses and insights in to you being the stable strong dad and man...the one who is moving above this chaos..

You gotta try to see things from her side...
when you attack the OM and call him a piece of doo-doo...she has no choice but to turn that reflection back on her....

case and point...
I once called mr ark a jack-a$$...without blinking an eye he told me yeah well you married a jack-a$$...shut me up...all right...

but you see attacking the OM...attacks her and choices and her warped belief...

imagine if you could have been her friend...this last encounter...
wife I also am shocked at what he did...

letting her take the lead...
being there for her...
taking the high road and not speaking ill of the OM but letting her do it whenever she wanted and agreeing somewhat with her...

get it..lost??

well it's been a couple days...and I assume no papers have come your way...

If you want to get to a better place in this mess no matter the outcome...you are going to so to speak have to humble yourself..and crawl inside your wife's head and feel the confused heart beat inside of her...

if you slay the OM as the jerk he is...how can she ever come to grips that she chose such a jerk...

if you villify him...how do you not villify her in those attacks...

are you giving her any outs...or are you backing her into the corner...

lost with..she is in pain...and that is not to deny your pain...she is in pain...and she is ashamed ...and she is alone....

you have a lot to think about
a lot to contemplate and a lot to reflect on...
you also have some decisions to make that are of grave importance...and then you can begin to make a move...

asked, Do you want a divorce? There was a long silence then she asked why. I said I need to know and then she said probably. So, what does that mean? She has some doubts about a divorce or what? I just want to know one way or another whether I should go on like this or not.

you know if I had a two-by-four that could reach that far norht...I'd surely bonk you with it...

that long silence speaks volumes...
well you definitely should not go on like this..cause you "this" does no one any good...

you my friend stand at a point of getting this back on track....
but it is in your hands...

ARK

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117142
03/10/04 11:38 AM
03/10/04 11:38 AM
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lostnhurt Offline
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Ark, That is such a beautiful post.

Now my mind is much clear. I was in pain and absolutely not myself for the past couple months. I did not know whether I was in Plan A or not. Now I am reflecting myself. I didn't do a good Plan A. I focus too much on him, not myself and the children. I think that being a lighthouse, I got to change myself, be confident and change from the bottom of my heart with no fear.

I am printing the lighthouse down and read it everyday.

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117143
08/31/04 08:47 AM
08/31/04 08:47 AM
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ark^^ Offline OP
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bumping [Roll Eyes]

not to be confuses with being a BUMptster...

ARK

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117144
08/31/04 08:53 AM
08/31/04 08:53 AM
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Tom Joad Offline
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Arc, can you be a lighthouse for a WW. I've seen it work on WH, but are WW looking for the same thing.

I just don't know. I've fallen down on my Plan A. Have a hearing today in an hour .... WW petitioned to make me vacate the house.

I'm tired.

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117145
08/31/04 09:06 AM
08/31/04 09:06 AM
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FamilyMatters Offline
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I'm in Plan B now Ark, I'm hoping I can be the lighthouse by sticking to my Plan B letter and having no contact until she is ready to re-commit to her M and family. We all miss her so. Can the lighthouse be transformed into that line in the sand that she must cross, that will not falter? I truly hope that beneath the fog and the constant cheers of those around her saying, "do whatever makes you happy" that she will still seek out the lighthouse.

I hope its not too hard to shine when youre dark in Plan B.

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117146
09/01/04 12:41 AM
09/01/04 12:41 AM
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A/C0810 Offline
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Hi ark.....great post. When I did plan a, i was definetly being a lighthouse, but what about Plan B, can you be a lighthouse with having no contact with WH?

thanks in advance, ark
A/C0810

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117147
08/31/04 01:01 PM
08/31/04 01:01 PM
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Just a Husband Offline
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Thanks for the bump and post.

I have not been doing plan A correctly.

The lighthouse makes sense.

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117148
08/31/04 01:20 PM
08/31/04 01:20 PM
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kjb23 Offline
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The continued inspiration I need to keep that path lit for my husband to find his way home to me!

Re: be the lighthouse...a post for those feeling tossed in the waves #1117149
08/31/04 05:34 PM
08/31/04 05:34 PM
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lostsailor Offline
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Ark....I was fortunate enough to find this early in my search for understanding. Ironically, I just read it today while waiting to pick up my DD from school. I carry it (and other's) in my truck in case I feel like I'm losing ground.

Thanks for being there for so many and putting into words the path.....LS

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