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Joined: May 2009
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Betrayed
You sound like a really good guy and IMO, you deserve ALOT better than what this woman has to offer you. She seems like a concrete block pulling you under.

As you said, you have seen the possibilities that you could have a much better (and less baggage) relationship.

I think you should stick to your Plan B and your IM and STOP communicating with this woman. If she can not find it, send her another copy.

She wants clarification from you? About what? About her A? About her needing to get some psychological treatment?

Mark my words...if you keep dealing with this woman, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment, heartache and stress.

Tell her if and when she contacts you again to please find the Plan B letter and that you would appreciate it if she would respect your requests. She is not respecting you right now, just trying to see if she can get you back. In other words, using your sympathy against you for her gain. Like I said...psychopathy. Mind games.

If you care about you, realize that you are better off and find someone who will respect you.

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StillDawn,

Let me say upfront that I do agree with you!

Here are my traps: First, my plan B letter told her not to contact me if she was seeing OMs - she says she's not.

Second, Plan B isn't supposed to be a Plan D - it's supposed to be about saving the marriage. With that in mind, you and I both realize she has to fix herself or there is no marriage.

So, if I do as you suggest, I move out of Plan B and into Plan D. Again, I'm not disagreeing with your suggestion, merely clarifying.

During our conversation, she said she did not comprehend how silence was supposed to save the marriage. I began to explain that it was the silence - the lack of bickering, arguing, fighting and the absence of a loved one that is supposed to help one sort through their own feelings. That is why she wanted to call me back � to have me explain what so she could not understand.

Clinically speaking, she is not a psychopath. She feels deeply hurt by the mess she created for anyone who was pulled into this crap. She is taking responsibility for it, too. She is ashamed of what she�s done. She�s trying to run away from everyone because of the shame.

Clinically speaking, she IS suffering from dangerously low self-worth, very poor boundary control and she is emotionally-dependent AND codependent. She suffers from depression and SAD. She has been diagnosed as a love addict. She is the embodiment of every single one of the twelve characteristics of an ACA � according to both her and her psychologist. Her psychologist firmly believes she suffers from PTSD and is suppressing an incident of molestation. Her doc also feels she may suffer from Bipolar Disorder II. Her therapist feels she would benefit from weekly treatment, but that it would take two to five years to help her.

Thank you for your kind words (RE: nice guy). If I was a nice guy, I�d call her and tell her, �you�re right � we need to divorce. I�m sorry I it ended this way. Good luck.� But, I won�t do that. I�ve told her she�s running from her problems and I disagree with her decision. I AM laying the divorce on her conscience so that I know that I did everything in my power to save the marriage.

I know this won't win me any popularity contests, but I AM looking for someone who will respect me - I fully predict WW to continue running and like I've said, I'm okay with that. smile


BS (me): 40
WW: just turned 33 (ACA, possibly Bipolar II)
Together: 6.5 yrs
M: 4.5 yrs
D-day 1: 4/28/09 - Revealed ONS
D-day 2: 5/30/09 - Revealed addl ONS and 2 A - one active (there are/were four OM)
Suspected A 1/09 and started Plan A
False recovery: 12/4/09 - 12/10/09
Moved her out and switched to Plan B 12/15/09
WW met Plan B requirements 2/10/10 - recovery has not begun
Thankfully, no children are being harmed by WW's selfishness!
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Talked to WW last night. She's alone and has identified she needs therapy - says she'll go. We've agreed to stay in our respective corners for the time being.


BS (me): 40
WW: just turned 33 (ACA, possibly Bipolar II)
Together: 6.5 yrs
M: 4.5 yrs
D-day 1: 4/28/09 - Revealed ONS
D-day 2: 5/30/09 - Revealed addl ONS and 2 A - one active (there are/were four OM)
Suspected A 1/09 and started Plan A
False recovery: 12/4/09 - 12/10/09
Moved her out and switched to Plan B 12/15/09
WW met Plan B requirements 2/10/10 - recovery has not begun
Thankfully, no children are being harmed by WW's selfishness!
Joined: May 2002
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I thought you were in plan B?
That means no talking to her until the conditions of your Plan B letter are met, or until you D.

Block her email addresses.
If she calls you again, just have the IM send her a copy of the Plan B letter.

Or was the talk last night for her to say she was going to meet all the conditions you laid out? If she did that, then I jumped the gun and I apologize.

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Originally Posted by turtlehead
Or was the talk last night for her to say she was going to meet all the conditions you laid out? If she did that, then I jumped the gun and I apologize.


No problem - she met the conditions of the Plan B letter.


BS (me): 40
WW: just turned 33 (ACA, possibly Bipolar II)
Together: 6.5 yrs
M: 4.5 yrs
D-day 1: 4/28/09 - Revealed ONS
D-day 2: 5/30/09 - Revealed addl ONS and 2 A - one active (there are/were four OM)
Suspected A 1/09 and started Plan A
False recovery: 12/4/09 - 12/10/09
Moved her out and switched to Plan B 12/15/09
WW met Plan B requirements 2/10/10 - recovery has not begun
Thankfully, no children are being harmed by WW's selfishness!
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Posts: 172
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Originally Posted by BetrayedInLA
Clinically speaking, she IS suffering from dangerously low self-worth, very poor boundary control and she is emotionally-dependent AND codependent. She suffers from depression and SAD. She has been diagnosed as a love addict. She is the embodiment of every single one of the twelve characteristics of an ACA – according to both her and her psychologist. Her psychologist firmly believes she suffers from PTSD and is suppressing an incident of molestation. Her doc also feels she may suffer from Bipolar Disorder II. Her therapist feels she would benefit from weekly treatment, but that it would take two to five years to help her.


Did your Plan B letter say anything about her getting therapy for all of the above mentioned problems? How do you know for sure that she is not seeing anyone? Because she said so?

I still can't imagine why you would not jump at the chance to be free of all this heartache. Something as serious as all of the above referenced disorders will not be "cured" and you will be dealing with them for a lifetime.

There are so many other "normal" non mentally-ill women out there!!

And, with multiple ONS's and A's...you are just a much stronger willed person than I, my friend. Good luck to you with this one.

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Originally Posted by StillDawn
Did your Plan B letter say anything about her getting therapy for all of the above mentioned problems? How do you know for sure that she is not seeing anyone? Because she said so?

No, the letter did not say she had to fix herself before contacting me. I don't know she's not cheating - I'm also not moving into recovery. It's a weird place for me. I'm truly keeping my distance and waiting for her to take action. I'm not calling, I'm not asking her to move back - in fact I told her to take care of herself and let me know how she is from time to time. I really can't explain myself. I just see she has a long journey ahead and wish her luck and want a postcard when she gets there...

Originally Posted by StillDawn
I still can't imagine why you would not jump at the chance to be free of all this heartache. Something as serious as all of the above referenced disorders will not be "cured" and you will be dealing with them for a lifetime.

Freud introduced us to the idea that we seek a partner who is the embodiment of our opposite sex parent. With that said, I know that I fell for her because of my own personal demons from my childhood. It is only in the last year that I've worked through them - thanks in part to her affair. I can't tell you how much her affair has helped me grow (up).

Originally Posted by StillDawn
There are so many other "normal" non mentally-ill women out there!!


I know! smile I'm meeting a LOT of them.


BS (me): 40
WW: just turned 33 (ACA, possibly Bipolar II)
Together: 6.5 yrs
M: 4.5 yrs
D-day 1: 4/28/09 - Revealed ONS
D-day 2: 5/30/09 - Revealed addl ONS and 2 A - one active (there are/were four OM)
Suspected A 1/09 and started Plan A
False recovery: 12/4/09 - 12/10/09
Moved her out and switched to Plan B 12/15/09
WW met Plan B requirements 2/10/10 - recovery has not begun
Thankfully, no children are being harmed by WW's selfishness!
Joined: Nov 2008
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Keep your steps in order...

I know you are a man of integrity ......


Look but don't touch...... If your done then get that D....


The last thing you want to do is get into a relationship before you D ......

I know you don't want the complication in your life .... you could find yourself in your worst night mare.... in a new relationship.....not D yet .....and the WW ready for a genuine recovery....



Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
Joined: Dec 2009
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Originally Posted by stillcommitted
Keep your steps in order...

I know you are a man of integrity ......


Look but don't touch...... If your done then get that D....


The last thing you want to do is get into a relationship before you D ......

I know you don't want the complication in your life .... you could find yourself in your worst night mare.... in a new relationship.....not D yet .....and the WW ready for a genuine recovery....


You're right. I am making lots of new friends - looking without touching. I'm rebuilding myself so that I'm ready for what lies ahead.


BS (me): 40
WW: just turned 33 (ACA, possibly Bipolar II)
Together: 6.5 yrs
M: 4.5 yrs
D-day 1: 4/28/09 - Revealed ONS
D-day 2: 5/30/09 - Revealed addl ONS and 2 A - one active (there are/were four OM)
Suspected A 1/09 and started Plan A
False recovery: 12/4/09 - 12/10/09
Moved her out and switched to Plan B 12/15/09
WW met Plan B requirements 2/10/10 - recovery has not begun
Thankfully, no children are being harmed by WW's selfishness!
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 53
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WW called - wants to start dating and attempting to reconnect to see if we can make it work. She asked me to start calling and texting and keeping in touch. I told her that I appreciated her gesture, but I didn't want to rush into recovery. I shared that it was important to get therapy to get the INDIVIDUALS right before the M would ever be right.

She said she was going to start. Time will tell. I'm not holding my breath, but I do hope she finds what she needs.


BS (me): 40
WW: just turned 33 (ACA, possibly Bipolar II)
Together: 6.5 yrs
M: 4.5 yrs
D-day 1: 4/28/09 - Revealed ONS
D-day 2: 5/30/09 - Revealed addl ONS and 2 A - one active (there are/were four OM)
Suspected A 1/09 and started Plan A
False recovery: 12/4/09 - 12/10/09
Moved her out and switched to Plan B 12/15/09
WW met Plan B requirements 2/10/10 - recovery has not begun
Thankfully, no children are being harmed by WW's selfishness!
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