Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 12 13
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 174
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 174
It's been 2 yrs since d-day. I thought things were going ok, I know we have problems but I didn't know it was getting this bad. After a nice 4th of July BBQ my husband tells me he thinks he's done and he just can't seem to get past what happend. He says he still loves me and he still loves our son (OC) but he just can't seem to move past that our child was born from the A.

He works long hours, barely ever home so how does he expect to work on us. We went to a MC for 5 sessions and then quit. How is that trying? I don't want to throw away 6 yrs of M without trying everything to save it.

My family seems to thinkg there is another woman. I'm not sure what to think about that. I mean if he was going to why after 2 yr? Why after having a child together? Yes this did seem to come outta the blue. He seems to have shut me out completely now. He's been sleeping on the couch since the 4th but he did come back to the bed last night. He didn't take the leave (time off) that he planned and put in for because we were going to go to FL but decided not to. H is in the military. His command don't have a class on deck so he just goes in for PT (physical training) then supposed to come home but goes in at 6am and don't come home until 1pm. I asked him to take the leave so we can deal with everything but he don't seem to want to and says that they already canceled his leave but all he has to do is ask for it back.

H has gotten more and more angry over the years and has become violent at work not at home. I've asked him to go get help but he just don't seem like he wants to get it. He says he don't think talking to someone will help but how will he know if he doesn't try. I'm trying to convince him that he needs the help not just for the M but for his career.

I'm not sure what else to do but I don't want a D, I love my H very much but what can I do? Any advice?


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
marinemom,

Your entire post is filled with me me me me me.

I do not see one bit of empathy for the unthinkable torment you dumped on top of your Betrayed Husband. You went out and got pregnant by another man, and clearly felt entitled to have your husband stay in the marriage with you and raise this child (and yes, your post is filled with entitlement.)

Entitlement is the hallmark of a wayward.

Do you think your lack of empathy has anything to do with why your husband is giving up?



Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by marinemom
It's been 2 yrs since d-day. I thought things were going ok, I know we have problems but I didn't know it was getting this bad. After a nice 4th of July BBQ my husband tells me he thinks he's done and he just can't seem to get past what happend. He says he still loves me and he still loves our son (OC) but he just can't seem to move past that our child was born from the A.

Am I reading your signature right that this OC was born to you in 04? Did the affair go on all the time until 08 when the DNA test was done? At the very least you kept the secret tht this OC was another man's for 4 years? You allowed him to love another man's child thinking it was his own?


Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 174
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 174
The A ended in in 05 and the OC was born in 05. I came clean in 08.


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
The BS always has the option to walk - they may not be able to recover. That's just a fact - not everyone can forgive and rebuild.

That said, you were here back when the A was brought to light. You know MB, I'm assuming. The path to recovering a marriage from an A is a very straight, and narrow one. It requires strict adherence to a PLAN.

How well did you do at sticking to that plan?

No Contact?
Extraordinary Precautions?
Complete transparency and Openness and Honesty?
Rebuilding implementing the MB Concepts, including:
Meeting ENs
Avoiding Love Busters
15+ hours of UA time
Radical Honesty

From your post it seems you didn't do very well in at least the UA time.

Quote
I thought things were going ok, I know we have problems but I didn't know it was getting this bad.

From what I've seen - after an affair complacency has no place in a marriage (actually, it has no place in a non-affair marriage too). If you saw problems they should have been addressed. Just going 'ok' isn't going to be good enough, not for recovery.

Last edited by Vibrissa; 07/07/10 11:26 AM.

Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by marinemom
The A ended in in 05 and the OC was born in 05. I came clean in 08.

Oh, I was off on the year the child was born....ok, 3 years is a long time. I am not sure how your BH has managed to stay with you this long.

I am of no help here. Sorry.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
It may very well be that he originally wanted things to work out. But the constant reminder that the child is not his that he thought was his after 3 years just has gotten to be too much. There's no way I would raise another man's child.

I don't see anything in your post what you have done to make your husband feel like you won't do this again.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
MM
I feel sorry for your family. And I feel sorry for you that you seem to want this union, and you own actions have negated that.

Here is me 0.02 (worth every penny)
You spent your entire post telling us what is wrong with your H. You have quite a list there.

Yup.

The thought behind MB system is to first work on yourself.
Work on your actions and communications with your H.

It is very, very easy to place blame on someone else. I lived this life for 4 years. Guess what? They do not have to accept your blame.

You have to start on yourself, and hope for the best.

I am glad you came here, many waywards do not have the guts. Hang in there.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,128
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,128
Actually two years was a very angry time for me as well. A BS spend months trying to save the M and then, after a time (like 2 years), they feel confident in the M and that the A is over so only then can they start to deal with the feelings they supressed for so long. I don't know much of yor story but i doesn't surprise me that two years has brought anger to the surface.

If you follow the MB plan, Plan A is a humiliating experience but you do it because there is no better choice. You aren't allowed to be angry so yu swallow it. Once you are no longer afraid WS will leave, then your personal demons come to play.

Again, I don't know your sitch but anger after two years doesn't surprise me.

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
I feel sorry for this child, he has been living thinking that your husband was his father, now he'll be gone and wont even understand or comprehend what happened to his "daddy?"

I do not blame your husband for wanting to leave, that would be the biggest shock anyone can endure.

So I do not feel sorry for you, considering this was your mistake, so I feel sorry for the child and the husband. Because if you look at it, HE is the one that lost a family.

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,128
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,128
I don't have a single memory from 2 years old.

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
I have memories from when I was two and younger, but that is not the point.

MM, let me ask you has your H been deployed? If so how many times and when. I am thinking that there may be other issues involved with this and it sure would not hurt to check them out. If he has been deployed since he found out the truth how was he when he came back?

Finally, I do recall speaking with you when you were here before. I don't know if this was mentioned, discussed or ignored, does your son have physical characteristics that make him appear markedly different from your H?

Your H may be hitting a rough patch. I think your instincts to go on leave are good, but I also think there are other things going on here. I notice you two have not had more children is this planned or was it planned. Again, how old is your little boy?

Must go, but will be back.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
JL, I think they did have a daughter together in 09.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,500
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,500
Likes: 9
mm, I don't think this is out of the blue. My reading of your posts since 2008 finds that your H always found the OC situation problematic.

Please tell me whether you ever got a proper DNA test done. You had your doubts about the validity of the home test you did, and throughout 2008 you said you were saving up to do a different kind. Did you ever do that?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 174
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 174
OK i'm going to try to hit on everything but it might be all over the place so sorry.

No another DNA test wasn't done but that was due to H not wanting to waste the money and he didn't see the point and I can't force him to do something he don't want to.

Yes we did have another child in 09 but that was something he wanted.

Our son to me looks like my H well my H dad but H says he sees the OM.

I haven't had any contact with the OM and he actual tried to contact me on FB but as soon as I saw it I didn't even read it and showed my H. I have been completely honest with H. H has all my passwords can look at my emails, FB, phone everything anytime he wants. I haven't kept anything from him since. I stay at home with the kids only talk to my family and now go to the gym. We've talked about me going back to work now that our lil girl is a yr old and no longer breast feeding to help with bills and it will probably help with the fights about him not being home since I'll have other people to talk with and not just the kids.

With his job right now it is hard to get to spend time together, H is either at work and when he is home he wants to sleep. No the EN haven't been being met by either of us.

I'm in no way blaming my H for what happend, and I never said that. I know I'm to blame but I also know I can't be the only one that is trying to work and make changes and think things are going to get better. I've been trying for months to get H to go talk to someone to help deal with his anger. I'm not blaming him.

Both of us slide back into our same old habits and using LB and getting angery with eachother. I was upset that he wasn't home or when he was would sleep, yell at the kids for nothing, and never help around the house. H was upset that I wouldn't have sex with him enough.

I know I'm the one who screwed everything up to begin with that all this is my fault but I want to work and heal our marriage. I just want him to get the help he needs for his anger. I got a real wake up call when he said he wanted to leave and made me realize that I wasn't doing what I should of been doing to help him and that I was just being naive and thought he wouldn't leave.

I want to get away just me and H to try and rekindle everything and work on us but it's hard to get him to take the leave and go. H is a highly driven man and a huge workaholic so getting him to take time off is like pulling teeth with him.

This whole talk about getting divorced really woke me up and I just hope it isn't to late and H is willing to still try. H made a appointment to go talk to a person about everything and he says he's going to go all in and not hold back so I'm just hoping it helps. I'm starting to stop fighting with him about his work since he can't do anything about it and hopefully me getting a job will help also so I can make friends and not rely on just my H, I think that has been a big issue. Also I'm going to start meeting his needs regardless of mine and hopefully within time he'll start meeting mine.

Last edited by marinemom; 07/07/10 04:31 PM.

Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Originally Posted by marinemom
No another DNA test wasn't done but that was due to H not wanting to waste the money and he didn't see the point and I can't force him to do something he don't want to.


I would get one done anyway, just to be for sure for sure laugh you don't have to let husband know if you don't want to get his hopes up, ask your parents to help pay for it, they will understand.

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Originally Posted by marinemom
OK

No another DNA test wasn't done but that was due to H (a blamer) not wanting to waste the money and he didn't see the point (a blamer)and I can't force him to do something he don't want to. (CB- case building)

Yes we did have another child in 09 but that was something he wanted.(btw- "something"? blame "he wanted")

Our son to me looks like my H well my H dad but H says he sees the OM. (negative case building)

I haven't had any contact with the OM and he actual tried to contact me on FB but as soon as I saw it I didn't even read it and showed my H. I have been completely honest with H. H has all my passwords can look at my emails, FB, phone everything anytime he wants. I haven't kept anything from him since. I stay at home with the kids only talk to my family and now go to the gym. We've talked about me going back to work now that our lil girl is a yr old and no longer breast feeding to help with bills and it will probably help with the fights about him not being home (blame) since I'll have other people to talk with and not just the kids.

With his job right now it is hard to get to spend time together, H is either at work (case building/finger point)and when he is home he wants to sleep. (CB- balmes) No the EN haven't been being met by either of us.

I'm in no way blaming my H for what happend, (really?) and I never said that. I know I'm to blame but I also know I can't be the only one that is trying to work and make changes and think things are going to get better. I've been trying for months to get H to go talk to someone to help deal with his anger. (HUGE blame) I'm not blaming him.

Both of us ( half blame)slide back into our same old habits and using LB and getting angery with eachother. I was upset that he wasn't home (blame)or when he was would sleep, yell at the kids for nothing, and never help around the house. H was upset that I wouldn't have sex with him enough. (how ddare he have EN'!)

I know I'm the one who screwed everything up to begin with that all this is my fault but I want to work and heal our marriage. I just want him to get the help he needs for his anger. (blame/ CB) I got a real wake up call when he said he wanted to leave and made me realize that I wasn't doing what I should of been doing to help him and that I was just being naive and thought he wouldn't leave.

I want to get away just me and H to try and rekindle everything and work on us but it's hard to get him to take the leave and go(yawn...again). H is a highly driven man and a huge workaholic so getting him to take time off is like pulling teeth with him.

This whole talk about getting divorced really woke me up and I just hope it isn't to late and H is willing to still try. H made a appointment to go talk to a person about everything and he says he's going to go all in and not hold back so I'm just hoping it helps. I'm starting to stop fighting with him about his work since he can't do anything about it and hopefully me getting a job will help also so I can make friends and not rely on just my H, I think that has been a big issue. Also I'm going to start meeting his needs regardless of mine and hopefully within time he'll start meeting mine.


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,688
Call it finger pointing, blaming, case building or whatever you want- I pulled out just a few of the statements that are going to block any real communication with your H.

The sooner you learn this, the better. Took me years.

You do not need to convince anyone here that you are good and your H is the "bad element" - we all are bother here because we want to help- not take sides.

With this formatt as a communication style who would want to have a conversation with you? Your H sounds like a negative, rude, angry, small dude...hey, don't blame ME for saying this..- I am just reading the facts from your stated case.

sorry the text box is acting up. Personal recover can not start until you abandon this mindset.
(p.s. the yellow comments are on the right track, imho)

Last edited by barbiecat; 07/07/10 05:52 PM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by piojitos
I don't have a single memory from 2 years old.

The child is going to be 5 in December.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 174
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 174
Ok I'm sorry barbiecat but I'm not blaming him at all and if you want to twist my words to suit your need to put down others than just stop commenting on my post because nothing you are saying is helpful what so ever.

YES I'VE SAID OVER AND OVER THAT WHAT I DID WAS WRONG. I GET ON HERE FOR ADVICE AND HELP NOT TO HAVE MY WORDS TWISTED AND BE TOLD THAT I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING RIGHT AND THAT I'M BASICALLY A PIECE OF CRAP.

DANG IT IM TRYING AND TRYING AND ASKING FOR ADVICE. I'M NOT LOOKING TO BE PUT DOWN. IF ALL YOUR GOING TO DO IS PICK AT WHAT IM SAYING THAN PLEASE STOP. YOUR NOT HELPING AT ALL.


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 12 13

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (2 invisible), 384 guests, and 102 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
cliff71, Ljoct32014, fact81, dmi_112, Hanim
71,802 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5