15 years together.

12 years Married.

We fought her "Ex" for 10 years over her (our) Daughter.

We lost our Business due to the economy.

I had to retrain to get employment.

My wife got cancer........her hysterectomy.......resultant hormone crash.

My wife was wrongly fired from her job JUST AFTER getting back on her feet after the hysterectomy.

I failed her on many issues.

11 months of unemployment for her.

FINALLY she gets a DREAM JOB.

Our Daughter graduates with her RN degree and is employed and on her own.

Empty Nest syndrome sets in when Daughter leaves.

Daughter informs me that my wife had an affair last year.

I tried MANY times to talk to my Wife about our issues and I just get the glassy eye stare.

And I'm alone......

I initiated a thread on "Grey Divorce" a month or so ago.
I think the impact of hormone levels falling in women (and men) is something very powerful, and overlooked or brushed aside by many family physicians, and even more so by counselors, clergy, and those actually experiencing the mood swings caused by hormone decreases. This is usually a slow and subtle change, but it is really evident in sudden changes due to medication side effects, or surgeries like hysterectomy or treatments for prostate cancer. The person affected wants to deny that it is within them, and seeks an external cause. Their change of feelings towards their spouse is interpreted as being caused by their spouse.

Also, the "empty nest effect" is evident to many husbands, but seems to be just as denied by wives and therapists.

The other side of that is the husband who retires (or is laid off) and suddenly feels a loss of identity, and the other problems that brings with it.

I'm very sorry you have reason to join us here.

First, I'd suggest you click "notify" and get this thread moved to the "Surviving An Affair" board.

Second, can you give us a bit more information of the "...Goodbye" in your title? Specifically, where are you in relation to your WW and your home?

Ditto

I am so sorry for all the challenging stuff you have dealt with.

I do not believe that mid life causes the distance with couples. Hormones, scary health crisis, unemployement, deaths of loved ones are awful but not the reason either.

Not meeting all five most important emotional needs is the crux of it.

No one knows about the five needs though til something like this happens and they make it over to Marriage Builders and they study up on them.

Stick around and work through this with us

I have tried over the last 18 months to speak in depth with my Wife about our issues......each and every time she shuts down and gives me the glassy eye look.

I would try every technique I know to reach her.....every avenue......every method......nothing.

Finally I tried to shock her.....I said "Honey, I have only two options open to me, live each day with a woman who I am madly and passionately in Love with but wants nothing to to do with me, or we can separate."

We separated 2 months ago. She lives in an apartment.....I live in the home.

This last weekend was our 12th Anniversary......I asked her to dinner for our Anniversary on Sat, 7/2.....she accepted......I played my cards for reunification......she calmly rejected it.

"Then please leave me alone!?".....I asked....."I am a Husband, I don't want to be just a friend!"

The next day, 7/3 I get a text message asking if I was OK......I curtly responded and left it at that.

The 3rd day, 7/4, I get a chat on the computer from my wife......"What are you doing for the 4th of July?"

I got angry and called her to ask her what was she doing by rejecting me one day and then continuing to call me......this lead to a 3 hour telephone call that resulted in her admitting to the affair......I thought we had made some incredible breakthroughs!

Today our daughter had some out-patient surgery and we were at our daughters apartment after the surgery tending to her needs.......I attempted to continue our discussion and breakthrough.......it failed......I was rejected yet again

I ended the contact with my wife by saying "I am all in or I'm all out in this marriage, I thought you had begun to wake up after our 3 hour phone episide!.....I offered to begin to reconcile again today but you rejected me yet again, from this point LEAVE ME ALONE!.....I love you but GOODBYE!"

And I left.......as God is my witness I have tried EVERYTHING.

I cannot do anymore!

I LOVE HER......but I'm not a doormat either.

Her ENTIRE family sees the dysfunction in her too.

I just don't know what else to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A friend suggested "HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS" to me and reading it was like a Lightning bolt to me.......I suggested that she read it and her response was "The answer to our problems isn't in a stupid book! NO I'm not reading it!"

First off all, you need to calm down and cure yourself of your recto-cranial inversion.

Having angry outbursts is going to do nothing to win your wife over for reconciliation.

Secondly, you need to confirm that she isn't still actively in contact with her affair partner. Trying to talk "sense" to the senseless wayward is a waste of time and energy.

Begin gathering intelligence as to her dealings, and see if she is still in contact with her affair partner.

I'm assuming that you're on this website because your last line: I just don't know what else to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is an admission, but also a request for help. Okay let's start at the top.

MOVE BACK HOME. TODAY. Stop pouting, and start understanding that this situation is not irretrieveable. Repairing a ruptured marriage requires one partner to start doing the heavy lifting, and doing it from afar is not possible. (Eventually, the burden will shift to her, but right now it's going to be yours.)

ORDER SURVIVING AN AFFAIR AND HIS NEEDS / HER NEEDS FROM THE BOOKSTORE ON THIS WEBSITE. You're someday going to realize that they were the most valuable books you will have ever read.

It's after midnight here in old New York, and I'm going to bed. You should too. You're going to have a BUSY day tomorrow as the rest of the regulars dive in.

See you then.......

ETA: GOOD - you have HN/HN. Start memorizing it.

Bill, welcome to Marriage Builders. I suspect the problem is that she is still active in her affair. Are you snooping on her? Who is the OM? Is he married?

The reason she wouldn't speak to you is because she is in an affair. THAT is the issue. An affair operates the same as an addiction to narcotics, in that it causes tremendous fog and emotional detachement. That is what you saw when you attempted to speak to her.

The solution is therefore, to kill off the affair. I don't know if that is possible in your situation because this has gone on so long, but I would bet there is a lot you can do to damage the affair.

Bill, one that you might find more relevant is Dr Harley's Surviving an Affair. It is much more comprehensive and goes well into the dynamics of an affair.

He is in his home.

I agree with ML - she is still in her affair - you need to snoop for evidence.

I AM home.......it is she who moved to an apartment.

As for the heavy lifting......I thought I'd been doing that for the last 2 years?!?!

Additional Info: She has been sleeping less than 4 hours per night for 4 years since her uterine cancer/hysterectomy (July 2007) and has dramatic night sweats.
I had surmised that her hormones were getting out of bounds about 2 years ago and FINALLY got her to have her physician check her hormone levels.....they were abnormal.
She got a hormone supplement but refused to take them for almost 3 months.

I recently confronted him......she claims it's over.......whether it's the truth or not......??????

It's not over, Bill. That is obvious to us. Who is he? Is he married?

He's someone she has known for over 20 years......and I am embarrassed to say that he is 25+ years older than she is.....my wife is 42 and he is in his late 60's!
He IS married and has adult children.
Should I contact HIS wife with the info?

Oh yes. The affair should be exposed to everyone. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is ruinous. Expose first to his wife, then all of your parents, children, close friends and family. Tell his adult children too. I would do this tomorrow, all on the same day, WITHOUT WARNING.

Does this scumbag have a facebook page? If so, I would go copy and paste all his friends into a WORD doc and plan on exposing to his fb friends by sending them a private message. We have a template you can use.

Ok......so I'm to expose this affair to his wife and children?
How?......letter?.......Phone?......Email?
What are the legal ramifications to me?
Legal charges of Harassment?
My head is swimming.....and very foggy!