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Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us #2648414
07/21/12 12:52 PM
07/21/12 12:52 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
J
Jeff_R Offline OP
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Jeff_R  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
Hello,

I recently (Sunday July 15th) that my wife of 6 years has been having a 2-1/2 month online relationship with a man she met on some dating chat website.

Here is some background of us:

My Past marriage:
I was previously married before from 99'-04'. To make a long story short, I believe that she left because she had met another guy who worked in the same profession as she did (law enforcement). I didnt have full proof since she worked for the state gov't & used their phone system/email. Anyway, after about 3 months of her leaving, I eventually filed since I could not get her to cease contact with her 'friend' as she put it. By this time I had found this website & ordered Dr Harley's books. We were officially divorced in May 04'.

My Current Marriage:
About Sept 04', I met my current wife. We met on a dating website. We sent emails & talked on the phone all the time. I really felt a connection with her & trusted her since she was different type of person from my previous relationship.

After about a month or so of phone calls / emails, we arranged to meet. The online dating scene was very new to me, so actually meeting someone online felt strange. I went to where she lived (about 2-1/2 drive...I lived in Tallahassee, FL, she in Gainesville). We went out on a date to a fancy sushi place....I remember being really shy. Later on that night, we did become physical. I have to admit, it felt strange to do this. I remember her asking me if we were now bf & gf. I told her yes.

Anyway, she told me that she had been on dating sites for a few years & that she did meet some men on them. But that they never became serious. This did concern me though since I had gotten out a marriage that ended with probably infidelity.

We kept dating until that Christmas when I asked her to marry me. About 4-5 months later she moved up to be near me & got a job at the local hospital as a nurse.

Between getting married & now, we have had a few ups & downs. She complained to me that I was not the same person that she first met. That she felt annoyed by some of my habits such as...I've always been shy & have had a hard time looking at people when I talk. I had some issues with her as well.

About 4 years ago (2 years into marriage), we went to a marriage counselor & discussed some of these issues. It was during this counseling time that I discovered that she was contacting two men via texting & phone calls (3-4 months worth - about 300 texts/calls).

One she met on the internet before she met me & the other she knew personally as a nursing student.

As far as I could tell, these conversations were inappropriate in the fact that she would contact them when I was at work, on her way from work to home or when I was out of town. If they were ok conversations, then she should have been able to talk to them in front of me.

I remember reading her conversation to one guy (the nursing student guythe one she had actually known) about how she wished that she had pursued a relationship with him.
She told him that I was a selfish only child that didnt put anyone first in his life.
It really hurt me to read all that.

I exposed all this during one of our counseling sessions & we worked thru her doing this. To me I thought we had reconciled 7 she promised she would never do that to me again.

The guy she met online, has on occasion contacted her via text or facebook. I think he has even contacted her via facebook within the past 2 weekshe always starts off by saying Hey Sexy!.


Current Situation:

My wife has always wanted a child. We found out that only IVF could help us. We went thru the process this past January & the doctor told us that she did not have enough eggs to make IVF worthwhile. But that donor eggs & adoption was an option.

My wife & I were hurt hearing this obviously. She decided that maybe taking a supplement (one she read about online) could help her produce more eggs. She was desperate to have her own biological child. Having a donor egg was out of the question for her since she thinks she could not get over the fact that the child is not biologically hers. I was more than ok with having a donor egg & would have supported her in any way.

I really thought that Feb, March & April, she was doing ok. I couldn't sense anything that made me think things were sad for her. But from about mid May till this past Sunday, I could really sense something was wrong. She was very distant to me, we weren't intimate, she started sleeping in our spare bedroom (saying I snored), and keeping her phone by her all the time.

I would go to work in the morning with her still asleep, then when I got back later, she would be on the couch with her phone or kindle. Our house was a mess, dirty dishes, etc...she would just stay on the phone & her kindle all day. I know she read romance novels on her kindle, even though she said that she didnt. One novel was the 50 Shades of Grey series. She liked the vampire romance novels too. I she let me read some...it seemed too sexual & explicit.

Recently I could not take any of the distant feelings I was getting from her. I had a notion to check her email. (I knew how to do this due to the last time she was in contact with other men.)

To my surprise I found about 2 months worth of conversations that had made with this guy she had met online. I think she had met him on a dating website such as BeNaughty, since one email that she received was an advertisement for this site. It doesnt matter which one it was, since she knew all about dating websites before she met me.

When I was reading all of it, I was trembling. My hand could not keep still. At first they had sent texts to each other. This progressed into more sexual talk. Eventually they made reference to phone calls to each other. They even talked about the pictures of his genitals that he sent to her. She sent pics of hers to him as well. I even think she sent pics of her fondling herself as well. They had cybersex talk that is too graphic & explicit to repeat. I believe they even talk on the phone as they mutually masturbated.

They talked about meeting one another & set a date. I think this guy is in Illinois but had some sort of connection with Orlando. My wife was prepared to go down there, meet with him & have their 'first date'.

She was doing all this when I was at work, while she was at work, while I was in the same room as her & while I was asleep. She would wait till 3 or 4 am to talk to him on the phone. I think she made reference that she would check on me to make sure I was asleep so that she could talk on the phone with him.

I knew that me confronting her would do no good. I left to my work so I could calm down. I then sent her mom an email telling her that something was happening btwn us. Her mom responded that she would talk to her later about it. But I could not wait for my wife to get her story together & tell my mother-in-law some lie. So I forwarded a transcript of cybersex talk to her mom. I had to expose to someone that my wife looked up to (her mom) if we were to get anywhere. She must have contacted my wife about it, b/c I got a text saying we needed to talk.

So I went back home & my wife was folding clothes. She didnt start talking to me about anything. I guess she was waiting to see what I knew. I told her what I found out. Her response was that she had been unhappy for a long time. I told her to stop, that I didnt want to hear it. That telling me this sort of stuff was just a justification she had worked out in her mind.

I asked her to end contact with this other guy.she didnt respond at all. So I knew my answer from her & left.

The next day (Monday) I took off work & loaded up all my belongings, clothes, etc. I told her that she could live in the house, that I had paid for this months mortgage.
I knew I could not live with her if she were to stay in contact with this other guy.

Her mom must have sent her an email telling her that she needed to end all contact with this other guy. Her mom told her that this was an evil act & that she did not need to belittle herself in doing this.

My wife texted me all that day saying that she was sorry for what had happened. That I had hurt her since her mom now knows what is going on. That I have ruined her relationship with her family.

We kept texting back & forth on Monday & Tuesday.
I asked her that if I never found out about all this, what was her initial plan going to be. She told me that she was going to wait until this weekend to tell me that we were separated. I asked her if she was going to ever let me know that this other guy was involved. She said that wouldnt have let me know b/c she didnt want to hurt me anymore than she had too.

She felt that this other relationship she has with this other guy, has nothing to do with us.
That we are just not meant to be with each other, that our personalities are too different.

I told her that she could stay in our house as long as she wanted & that I would be back to get the rest of my stuff.

Wednesday came & I felt that more exposure was needed. I believed she was still in contact with this other person, so I let a few of her friends know. I sent them emails describing what was going on. I did this is a calm way. In no way did I try to demonize her or say hurtful things about her. I just wanted helpan intervention.
I sent a copy of the transcript as an attachment. In my email I warned those that they did not have to read it since it was graphic. They would have to click on it separately in order to read it.

One of her friends then phoned her saying that they got the email from me & that I should have never gotten them involved..they felt that her email had been hacked by me & that she should contact Yahoo in order to get it fixed. I really thought a friend could help us, but I guess not. I wonder what they would have done if I told them that she was addicted to heroin or cocaine. Would they have helped then.

My wife then started firing off texts to me that I have ruined her life by telling some of her friends. (I actually only emailed 6 or 7I figured out a way to send the email to undisclosed recipients. Some didnt get the emailit went to their spam folders).

She would say that she was going to have to find another job now & move far away from here. I told her that some did not get it & that I sent another email explaining to not read the previous email. I explained that if I didnt expose it all, no one would believe me. They would have just thought I was lashing out in revenge due to an argument that she I was having, etc.

I told her to tell her friends that I was crazy & going thru some tough stuff right nowthat my head is not straight.

She responded that she didnt know how my family could forgive her & how she could look them in the face.

As of now, I am not sure if she has stopped contact with this guy or not.
I sent her a letter yesterday saying that she can get forgiveness.
I told her that I know that I had not met her emotional needs & that I am prepared to do so. That we can work thru all this. And that we can work on being the best for each other.
The only stipulation is that she just needed to end her contact with this other guy.

She responded this morning saying that she has read my letter. She states that she needs time for her to process all this & that the other guy in no longer in the picture.
She doesnt know if we can work this out or not, but that she still loves me whatever the outcome may be.

My cousin called me this morning saying that on my wife facebook page, that my wife friended this other guy on Thursday night.

So, here I am, in limbo I suppose. I want to work it out with her. As I have stated, weve had some fidelity issues in our relationship before.

Im not sure what my next step is to be.

Me 41
Her 36
No children

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Jeff_R] #2648420
07/21/12 01:54 PM
07/21/12 01:54 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
J
Justlooking24 Offline
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Justlooking24  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
Originally Posted By: Jeff_R
Hello,

Later on that night, we did become physical.


Sex on the first date with someone you met online. Bad idea


Run fast in the opposite direction.


BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Jeff_R] #2648421
07/21/12 02:01 PM
07/21/12 02:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Shrek's Swamp
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Pepperband Offline
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Pepperband  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Shrek's Swamp
Originally Posted By: Jeff_R

I want to work it out with her.


Apparently, she wants to be single, or be married to you and act like she is single.

Quote:
As I have stated, weve had some fidelity issues in our relationship before.


Yes. Patterns are significant red redflag redflag redflag

Quote:
Im not sure what my next step is to be.


Quite frankly, it does not appear that your wife has ever loved you the way a wife ought love her husband. What is your opinion about this?

Quote:

Me 41
Her 36
No children


Well, without kids, your choices are a bit freed up.

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Jeff_R] #2648422
07/21/12 02:03 PM
07/21/12 02:03 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,175
Texas
M
MelodyLane Offline
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MelodyLane  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,175
Texas
I would accept that your wife is not and never has been marriage material and get a divorce. She has been trolling for studs for our entire marriage and has no intention of stopping. Se has a freeloaders worldview that holds the belief she is entitled to seek another man if something better comes along.

I would also suggest you stick around this forum so that you learn better skills in choosing a marriage partner. A woman who believes in having opposite sex friendships is dangerous to any marriage so that needs to be a knock out factor when choosing a mate in the future.

I am sorry to be such a downer, but there is nothing to save here. She will not change for you and he sooner you accept that, the sooner you can excise this toxic woman out of your life and find a more suitable mate.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Justlooking24] #2648423
07/21/12 02:04 PM
07/21/12 02:04 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,175
Texas
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MelodyLane Offline
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MelodyLane  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,175
Texas
Originally Posted By: Justlooking24
Originally Posted By: Jeff_R
Hello,

Later on that night, we did become physical.


Sex on the first date with someone you met online. Bad idea


Run fast in the opposite direction.


I was thinking the same thing. WHO does that?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: MelodyLane] #2648427
07/21/12 02:20 PM
07/21/12 02:20 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
J
Jeff_R Offline OP
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Jeff_R  Offline OP
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J

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: Justlooking24
Originally Posted By: Jeff_R
Hello,

Later on that night, we did become physical.


Sex on the first date with someone you met online. Bad idea


Run fast in the opposite direction.


I was thinking the same thing. WHO does that?



I know, I regret doing that. I guess we felt that we 'knew' each other since we had talked on the phone for about 6-8 weeks. But looking back, we should have waited.

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Jeff_R] #2648430
07/21/12 02:30 PM
07/21/12 02:30 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Shrek's Swamp
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Pepperband Offline
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Pepperband  Offline
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Shrek's Swamp
Originally Posted By: Jeff_R

But looking back, we should have waited.


5 bucks says your wife disagrees about waiting.

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Pepperband] #2648431
07/21/12 02:33 PM
07/21/12 02:33 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
J
Jeff_R Offline OP
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Jeff_R  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Originally Posted By: Jeff_R

I want to work it out with her.


Apparently, she wants to be single, or be married to you and act like she is single.

Quote:
As I have stated, weve had some fidelity issues in our relationship before.


Yes. Patterns are significant red redflag redflag redflag

Quote:
Im not sure what my next step is to be.


Quite frankly, it does not appear that your wife has ever loved you the way a wife ought love her husband. What is your opinion about this?



Quote:

Me 41
Her 36
No children


Well, without kids, your choices are a bit freed up.


I have to admit, that I have thought of this.
I can say something mean...that she is basically an infertile adulterer....


Quite frankly, it does not appear that your wife has ever loved you the way a wife ought love her husband. What is your opinion about this?


Well, we have had melt downs over the years. For instance, recently when I ordered us two pizzas for us, she started crying, saying that I didn't ask her what toppings she wanted on it...she explained that to her it meant that I didnt care about her.

On our recent anniversary in April, we went to a upscale resturant in town. She planned it since I was feeling down & just couldn't think straight (the previous week my employer laid off several employees...one being my best friend that I had known for 7 years.)

Well she was ok for planning it since she knew I was depressed some. We go to the place & have a good meal. I admit we tend to drink a little too much. And I have to say that when she drinks, she can get pushy.
Anyway, she tells me during the course of our dinner, that she has planned for us to go to another restaurant the next day (our actual anniv day). I was happy about that & asked her what the name of the place was.

Well she didnt want to tell me & wanted it to be a surprise. Eventually during our conversation, I got her to tell me the name of the restaurant. I said "oh yes, that is a nice place, Ive been there about 2 years ago". Her mood when straight down after I told her that.

I just kept saying that is was a great place & that I think it was a great idea. I guess she got frustrated that I had been there before & that I wouldnt stop talking about it. She then just blurted out "STOP BEING AN ASS!".

I was so hurt by this. I didnt say anything to her the rest of the evening. We went home from the restaurant without saying anything to each other. I could tell that she was in her sad/mad combo. I don't think we said much to each other for about 2 days after that.

This is the type of behavior that I have gotten from her. She melts down & has a hard time apologizing to me.

Last edited by Jeff_R; 07/21/12 02:35 PM.
Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Jeff_R] #2648432
07/21/12 02:36 PM
07/21/12 02:36 PM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 550
Just North
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Mrs_Recon6mo Offline
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Mrs_Recon6mo  Offline
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 550
Just North
Jeff, welcome to MB and so sorry about your situation.

First, you should not apologise or feel bad about the exposure.

Second, continue snooping, do not just believe that she has ended all contact with OM. Her words mean nothing right now. Would you be able to expose this affair to OMW, does OM have a wife?

Think very carefully what are your requirements to your WW in the future, do not just say that she is forgiven or something.

The very first thing is to complete this exposure, by exposing it to OMW first. If you want to know more about the proper exposure, read this - Exposure 101.

Second is to demand No Contact. No contact letter should be sent to OM(s). Here are some samples - No Contact Letters - Samples

This letter should be sent under your eyes, you should approve the content.

The next step would be to demand that she eliminated all conditions that made an affair possible. In her case, that would mean to ban all the online communication with opposite sex, no visiting such sites at all, you should only share one e-mail account together and that would be just enough. She should not have any opportunities to access these type of sites in the future. Please read what Dr Harley has said about How to survive infidelity and watch the video, too.

You should also make sure if this OM is the only one right now, or for how many has she been fishing during the time.


Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Jeff_R] #2648435
07/21/12 02:43 PM
07/21/12 02:43 PM
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Shrek's Swamp
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Pepperband Offline
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Pepperband  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Shrek's Swamp
Have you considered a marital moratorium on drinking alcohol?

Here is why ......

Quote:
I admit we tend to drink a little too much. And I have to say that when she drinks, she can get pushy.
Anyway, she tells me during the course of our dinner, that she has planned for us to go to another restaurant the next day (our actual anniv day). I was happy about that & asked her what the name of the place was.

Well she didnt want to tell me & wanted it to be a surprise. Eventually during our conversation, I got her to tell me the name of the restaurant. I said "oh yes, that is a nice place, Ive been there about 2 years ago". Her mood when straight down after I told her that.

I just kept saying that is was a great place & that I think it was a great idea. I guess she got frustrated that I had been there before & that I wouldnt stop talking about it. She then just blurted out "STOP BEING AN ASS!".


She drinks and loses control of her emotions.
You drink and get her to reveal her secret surprise .... which was sort of mean.

Both of you should stop drinking, for a few months.
See if the relationship improves.
ZERO drinks.

She is probably drinking when she does her on-line man-fishing expeditions. Alcohol lowers inhibitions.

When you had your first date and jumped into bed, was alcohol involved?


Last edited by Pepperband; 07/21/12 02:46 PM. Reason: more....
Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Mrs_Recon6mo] #2648438
07/21/12 02:49 PM
07/21/12 02:49 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
J
Jeff_R Offline OP
Member
Jeff_R  Offline OP
Member
J

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
Originally Posted By: Mrs_Recon6mo
Jeff, welcome to MB and so sorry about your situation.

First, you should not apologise or feel bad about the exposure.

Second, continue snooping, do not just believe that she has ended all contact with OM. Her words mean nothing right now. Would you be able to expose this affair to OMW, does OM have a wife?

Think very carefully what are your requirements to your WW in the future, do not just say that she is forgiven or something.

The very first thing is to complete this exposure, by exposing it to OMW first. If you want to know more about the proper exposure, read this - Exposure 101.

Second is to demand No Contact. No contact letter should be sent to OM(s). Here are some samples - No Contact Letters - Samples

This letter should be sent under your eyes, you should approve the content.

The next step would be to demand that she eliminated all conditions that made an affair possible. In her case, that would mean to ban all the online communication with opposite sex, no visiting such sites at all, you should only share one e-mail account together and that would be just enough. She should not have any opportunities to access these type of sites in the future. Please read what Dr Harley has said about How to survive infidelity and watch the video, too.

You should also make sure if this OM is the only one right now, or for how many has she been fishing during the time.


I know I shouldnt feel bad about about exposing. She sure has been trying to guilt me about it though.
I just felt that if I didnt know anything about any of this, she would eventually tell me that she wanted a separation & that our relationship had little or no chance of recovering.
I would have been none the wiser about the affair.

Now with exposure, at least we have some chance.

Since she did this on a smart phone, my snooping is limited.

I also no longer live in our house. I have moved all my personal belongings out & am living with relatives in town.

So far, she is still at our house. I have no idea what she is doing though. She may be packing up her stuff & getting ready to move out. I really don't want her to do this.

My fear is that she will move out to an apartment & that I will be stuck with the house. She'll still be on the mortgage though, no matter what happens I won't let her out of it.

From what I can tell in the conversations, he is a single guy. I think he says that he was married at one time. He is 31 & lives with roommates.

If he is in Illinois, how can she think she can any sort of relationship with him. I mean in their texts, they tell each other that they love one another.
I'm not sure I can follow her logic on this. It just doesnt make sense to get involved in a long distance thing.

I did send her a No-Contact letter in my recent email. I told her that sending it to him is the first step.

If we can get to reconciliation, then yes there will be rules on how we will go about doing it.


I just not sure though, if she can get past me exposing to some of her friends & to her mom. She is so embarassed that she feels that she can no longer look any one in the face.

She said that I should have just told people that she was a "cheating liar" and left it at that. But I didnt think anyone would believe me if I didnt show proof.
She feels that I have been more cruel to her than she has to me by exposing to others the details.


Last edited by Jeff_R; 07/21/12 02:50 PM.
Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Jeff_R] #2648440
07/21/12 02:57 PM
07/21/12 02:57 PM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 550
Just North
M
Mrs_Recon6mo Offline
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 550
Just North
Look, this is wayward talk. When I was a WW, I was furious after my H exposed, I went ballistic, said that NOW we won't have a CHANCE because of HIM... But here we are. Stop paying so much attention to what she says right now, she is not thinking straight. These are just words.

Also, move back to your house. The whole house in WS hands can mean a continuous disaster.

And IF she gets serious one day, she will get past anything and be THANKFUL to you about the exposure.

Last edited by Mrs_Recon6mo; 07/21/12 02:58 PM.

Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Jeff_R] #2648441
07/21/12 02:59 PM
07/21/12 02:59 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,175
Texas
M
MelodyLane Offline
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MelodyLane  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,175
Texas
Jeff, can you get the house on the market and get it sold?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Pepperband] #2648442
07/21/12 02:59 PM
07/21/12 02:59 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
J
Jeff_R Offline OP
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Jeff_R  Offline OP
Member
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Have you considered a marital moratorium on drinking alcohol?

Here is why ......

Quote:
I admit we tend to drink a little too much. And I have to say that when she drinks, she can get pushy.
Anyway, she tells me during the course of our dinner, that she has planned for us to go to another restaurant the next day (our actual anniv day). I was happy about that & asked her what the name of the place was.

Well she didnt want to tell me & wanted it to be a surprise. Eventually during our conversation, I got her to tell me the name of the restaurant. I said "oh yes, that is a nice place, Ive been there about 2 years ago". Her mood when straight down after I told her that.

I just kept saying that is was a great place & that I think it was a great idea. I guess she got frustrated that I had been there before & that I wouldnt stop talking about it. She then just blurted out "STOP BEING AN ASS!".


She drinks and loses control of her emotions.
You drink and get her to reveal her secret surprise .... which was sort of mean.

Both of you should stop drinking, for a few months.
See if the relationship improves.
ZERO drinks.

She is probably drinking when she does her on-line man-fishing expeditions. Alcohol lowers inhibitions.

When you had your first date and jumped into bed, was alcohol involved?



I don't think me getting her to reveal where the restaurant was mean.....I may have asked her once or twice. She told me & then I told her that it was a great place & that I appreciated her picking a place that I liked.


She drinks wine all the time. She goes out to Publix & buys several liter bottles...chardonnays, etc.
She'll have a full glass just about every night or so.
She thinks drinking is fine & that it doesnt change her at all...I know different.


Yes, on our first date we did have a few martinis at the restaurant. I don't remember if we had drinks when we got back to her place or not. But back then, like now, she did have a stash of different liquors.

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Pepperband] #2648444
07/21/12 03:04 PM
07/21/12 03:04 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
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Jeff_R Offline OP
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Jeff_R  Offline OP
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Posts: 189
Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Have you considered a marital moratorium on drinking alcohol?

Here is why ......

Quote:
I admit we tend to drink a little too much. And I have to say that when she drinks, she can get pushy.
Anyway, she tells me during the course of our dinner, that she has planned for us to go to another restaurant the next day (our actual anniv day). I was happy about that & asked her what the name of the place was.

Well she didnt want to tell me & wanted it to be a surprise. Eventually during our conversation, I got her to tell me the name of the restaurant. I said "oh yes, that is a nice place, Ive been there about 2 years ago". Her mood when straight down after I told her that.

I just kept saying that is was a great place & that I think it was a great idea. I guess she got frustrated that I had been there before & that I wouldnt stop talking about it. She then just blurted out "STOP BEING AN ASS!".


She drinks and loses control of her emotions.
You drink and get her to reveal her secret surprise .... which was sort of mean.

Both of you should stop drinking, for a few months.
See if the relationship improves.
ZERO drinks.

She is probably drinking when she does her on-line man-fishing expeditions. Alcohol lowers inhibitions.

When you had your first date and jumped into bed, was alcohol involved?



I don't think me getting her to reveal where the restaurant was mean.....I may have asked her once or twice. She told me & then I told her that it was a great place & that I appreciated her picking a place that I liked.


She drinks wine all the time. She goes out to Publix & buys several liter bottles...chardonnays, etc.
She'll have a full glass just about every night or so.
She thinks drinking is fine & that it doesnt change her at all...I know different.


Yes, on our first date we did have a few martinis at the restaurant. I don't remember if we had drinks when we got back to her place or not. But back then, like now, she did have a stash of different liquors.

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: MelodyLane] #2648445
07/21/12 03:07 PM
07/21/12 03:07 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
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Jeff_R Offline OP
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Jeff_R  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Jeff, can you get the house on the market and get it sold?


I don't think the market is good where we are (Tallahassee FL)
I mean it is a dry market right now. We'd have to go for a 'short sale' which I have heard of before.

If this gets to the point that she wants to divorce, then we will try to sell. But I think I am going to be stuck with mortgage payments. Maybe I could work out a plan to get her to pay some, but I doubt it.

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Mrs_Recon6mo] #2648446
07/21/12 03:08 PM
07/21/12 03:08 PM
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Posts: 189
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Jeff_R Offline OP
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Jeff_R  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
Originally Posted By: Mrs_Recon6mo
Look, this is wayward talk. When I was a WW, I was furious after my H exposed, I went ballistic, said that NOW we won't have a CHANCE because of HIM... But here we are. Stop paying so much attention to what she says right now, she is not thinking straight. These are just words.

Also, move back to your house. The whole house in WS hands can mean a continuous disaster.

And IF she gets serious one day, she will get past anything and be THANKFUL to you about the exposure.



Do you really think I should move back into our house with her?

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Jeff_R] #2648450
07/21/12 03:11 PM
07/21/12 03:11 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,175
Texas
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MelodyLane Offline
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Posts: 92,175
Texas
Jeff, do you realistically believe you can change her? Her affairs are not a one time thing, but a way of life that she has never changed despite being married. How will you change her?

Because unless you can get her to change, this is hopeless.

Also, you can install spyware on her iPhone. Not that I think it would make any difference because you already know she cheats and is very committed to that lifestyle.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: MelodyLane] #2648453
07/21/12 03:19 PM
07/21/12 03:19 PM
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Jeff_R Offline OP
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Jeff_R  Offline OP
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No, I don't think I can change her. Since the other time of catching her, I did check her facebook, email, etc. I'd see her looking for one of her past boyfriends & befriending him. I think she engaged in small talk with him...asking him about his life, family, etc.

She knows how I feel about all that, but I guess she feels that these people are her friends & that she should be able to talk to them.

Nope, I won't be able to get close to her cell phone now.
You know though, I did have a 6th sense that something was going on & bought spyware for her phone the day before & found out about all this stuff.

Re: Wife's Cyber Affair...says nothing to do with us [Re: Jeff_R] #2648455
07/21/12 03:22 PM
07/21/12 03:22 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 189
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Jeff_R Offline OP
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I thought about posting her conversation transcript somewhere so people can really tell me if what I am reading is for real.

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