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Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112 - 113

What about Resentment?

One of the most common objections to the POJA is that it creates
resentment when it�s followed. I agree; it does usually create some
resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed.
An illustration will help make this important point.

George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells
his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.

If George goes ahead and watches the game, he�s guilty of independent
behavior. He is not following the POJA, and Sue will be resentful.
When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call
her resentment type A.

If George follows the POJA and doesn�t accept Sam�s invitation,
George will be resentful. When George is prevented from doing something
because of Sue�s objections, I call his resentment type B.

Which type of resentment makes the largest Love Bank withdrawals:
type A or type B? The answer is type A, and that�s why the POJA
helps build Love Bank balances. I�ll explain.

When George violates the POJA, Sue has no choice but to feel
the effect of the thoughtless decision (Love Bank withdrawals) for
as long as memory persists�possibly for life whenever the event is
recalled. But when George follows the POJA, the negative effect is
limited in time. It lasts only as long as it takes to discover an enjoyable
alternative that is acceptable to Sue.

George lets Sue know how disappointed he is with her objection
but is willing to discuss other options. Sue wasn�t invited to watch
football and doesn�t want to invite herself to Sam�s house, so she
suggests inviting Sam and his wife to their house to watch football.
George calls Sam, he and his wife accept, and the new activity puts
an end to George�s type B resentment.

Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops
the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those
with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference
because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may
feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in
their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully,
unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to
them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating
type A resentment.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And a thank you to Tiredwife for finding this article laugh

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
There are two kinds of resentment: (1) Resentment due to something one of you DID to the other that was hurtful, and (2) resentment due to something you DIDN'T do for yourself that you would have liked, but would have hurt your spouse. Your husband has the first kind of resentment because you had an affair three months into your marriage. What you did hurt him. You have the second kind of resentment because you now feel obligated to avoid seeing a friend who is a threat to your husband.

I think you would agree with me that the first kind of resentment is the worst, because your husband knows you deliberately hurt him. It's no wonder he's having trouble recovering from the experience. Your poor communication may be partly due to the fact that he is still trying to recover from the shock.

The second kind of resentment, the kind you are experiencing, may be uncomfortable, but life is full of instances where we need to control ourselves for the protection of others. In other words, I'm saying that whatever resentment you may feel about not being able to see your friend is nothing compared to the resentment you would feel if your husband had indulged in an affair.

You may be right about your incompatibility, but from what you've told me so far, what is separating you is not incompatibility, but his emotional withdrawal, which is a different matter entirely. He started out on the right track, wanting to settle all decisions on a mutually agreeable basis. But I think his best intentions are being overwhelmed by the grief he is feeling from your affair a year ago. He probably would have gotten over it by now, but your effort to see another friend from your past is keeping his grief fresh. Why torment your husband with needless pain?

From your husband's perspective, if you cared about his feelings, you wouldn't see your friend. The fact that he has made his wishes clear, and you have wanted to see him anyway, is proof to him that you care more about seeing your friend than you care about your husband. My advice to you is simple: Don't have friends who make your husband uncomfortable. Follow the Policy of Joint Agreement.
Following the Policy of Joint Agreement When You're VERY Incompatible


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here's a radio clip of Dr. Harley talking about this.

Radio clip on the Two Types of Resentment


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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thank you!!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
thank you!!!
kiss


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks Mel and Tired.


Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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A Good clip on resentment.
Radio Clip on Resentment


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks...obviously need to listen to this. Will be later tonight.


Me
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His, Mine & Ours
No Infidelity - Just other Issues
Reading and Learning
Trying to have a great marriage
I LOVE THIS PLACE
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It's weird that i stumbled upon this stitch today because my H and I had a very similar discussion last night. Instead of asking me if it was okay for him to join his friends Volleyball team, he told me that he was going to join in a couple of weeks.

This made me immediately feel hurt and I felt the resentment already building up.

Thanks to this site instead of me shutting down and letting the resentment build I told him how this made me feel and we did end up coming to an agreement that worked for both of us and even involved both of us.

I would have NEVER done that in the past!!


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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bump


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you so much for posting these links. This is so helpful to me at this time.


me: FBW, 52 y
FWH: 57 y, EA
D-D 14 Feb 2013
M: 25 years
DD 23 y
DD 14 y
H: divorced, 3 adult c
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Bump


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Bump


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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The stages of resentment. After talking about Robert and Susan in the last segments, they look in more detail at the topic of resentment.

Radio Clip of Prior Segment
Radio Clip


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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