So that we both break even with whatever has happened. I ask this question because my wife seems (I guess) to see or think that way, especially in the intimacy area. It has been more than 2.5 years since d-day and 1.5 years since the end of her affair, but her desire to be sexual with me has not returned (YES, I have not had sex with my wife for more than 2.5 years, it was her call).

She let me hug her and a quick kiss to her cheeks or forehead (a few months back) but when it is about sex she is not into it at all. She even said that she wished there was a way for me to have sex with someone else to fulfill my need and only that (no attachment).

What do you think of that statement, especially WS? Have you ever thought that way before, especially the ones in recovery?

Do you think that my wife (WS) wants me to become WS so that her guilt would be overwritten by this?

Any insight into this is greatly appreciated.

My H has actually said that he wishes I would have an A so that we could be EVEN and get on with our lives (together)! I told him I wasn't as weak as he was and that's a very lonley fact he's just going to have to face. He's remorseful and feels very guilty so I guess misery loves company.

(((OOOO)))

Her self esteem is tanked .... she may be testing you.

Therapy?

Pepper(Not a WS ... bu,t what the hey!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

OOOO,
During my H's 18 mo. affair, he did encourage me to "find someone". I wanted our marriage and did Plan A instead.

Then, in our 7th separation, I gave up, served D papers and started datine a male friend (not recommending it).

We reconciled a few months later, and, basically both my H & I had all the issues of being both BS & WS. It made recovery more difficult, I suspect the recovery took longer. We both had to be accountable--so, I guess we were even in that. And, even though my H had encouraged me to find someone, he was unhappy that I did, it caused him even more guilt, and I don't think he thought through what it would mean that I cared about that person.

Not to mention, where the heck are you going to find this woman to have no attactment sex with? A pro? In any case, you drag a new person into a situation fraught with turmoil. Why would you want to do that to someone?

I'm with Pepperband in thinking a good counselor would do you both much better than you getting a sex buddy.

OOOO,

It may be time to think if you can do without SF forever or tell your W that you have tried & if she can not meet your needs then it is time to divorce. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Sorry old friend but would you really want to be a WS. A divorce at this point would be easier on your children then having 2 parents that are WS.

What do you have to lose? The marriage you have now but are not happy with; a better marriage in the long run if your W would finally get help or just be free. Your choice. None of us can do it for you.

good luck in whatever path you take.

I believe there may be two issues here; first, there is a tendency in some WSs to encourage the same behavior from their BSs in order to allay the guilt. That is clearly an issue, and many of the experts write about this in their books. This may or may not be the case with your W.

Now the issue of no SF for 2 1/2 years and 1 1/2 years since the A ended; that is another matter altogether, and I think the suggestion of therapy is the best at this point since anyone's guess would be a wild one without knowing what is going on with your W in that respect.

My W often would say (still does, occasionally) "you should find somebody better." My reply, if she says that again will be "I don't want somebody better, I want YOU better!"

Actually, that would be a bit judgemental, so I probably shouldn't say it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />