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Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: Needing some objectivity on Plan A SugarCane 12/01/21 08:43 PM
Originally Posted by beingstill
His wife and I talk on occasion, she wants to restore her marriage as well. She is keeping track.
This is an odd reaction for a wife with her own kids to protect. Most wives make the unfaithful husband's life hell - they don't "keep track".

Why isn't she ripping him a new rear end?

What exactly does she know?

Also, what does the neighbourhood tennis club know about his involvement with the mother of the kids he coached? Such a man is a predator. What are they doing to get rid of him?
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In Recovery Jump to new posts
Re: How do I help my BH? SugarCane 12/01/21 08:35 PM
Something seems to have happened to the forum since the traffic reduced. It's my opinion that we are getting more and more very hard cases, where one spouse has been doing their best for years, and the other isn't responding.

Certainly my constant refrain these days is for posters to write to Dr Harley. I think that several posters here, including you and your husband, have problems that need Dr Harley's skill. They are definitely beyond any skill that I've ever had.

From what I can see, your marriage consists of two people who both want to use Dr Harley's help, but can't do it by themselves. For me, that screams out "online coaching". This is the year-long course where you complete weekly exercises, overseen by Dr Harley. It's quite expensive, at about $1000 for the course - but with two willing spouses, the results are priceless.

If you can't stretch to that, write to Dr Harley at the radio show. See whether you can both go on the show. Dr Harley will email with you to answer any follow-up questions for as long as you like, but in my view, the online coaching would work wonders for you.
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Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Married 41 years and missing something to. Mature 11/30/21 10:42 AM
OK so after reading "His Needs Her Needs" I found my library also carries the audio book version of "He Wins, She Wins". I have started listening to that today. This treatise makes a lot of sense to me as well. I'm unsure what order the books are intended to be read. I guess I am going to have to search out Dr Harley's other books now to find out what seems to fit where for me.

Notwithstanding what I am reading, I also tried searching google for other concepts that might match my predicament, trying to see how alone I am in my thoughts. This was of interest to me because of some things Dr Harley says in He Wins She Wins about meeting Emotional Needs when they are apparently appalling to your mate. (I note now Dr Harley also uses the term mate for ones wife, not just a partner!)

Following on from this I came across the concept of "Toxic Positivity", a term I had never heard before. I think it describes part of my predicament and also how it is destructive to a relationship. I am sure I would have used the term defensively in conversation before, if I had know it, trying to navigate and discuss our issues while being denied empathy and being labelled depressive in response. Although I now want to use it, I'm chastened by Dr Harley's distinction between complaints and criticism. I recognize that by being angry enough to want to hurt by hurling the accusation at my wife would hurt me as well. My wife tells me she is always happy no matter what the situation is and that my apparent depression about our problems is something that is my problem and is not normal. Not normal? Joint Agreement? Undivided Attention? Not Normal! Toxic Positivity seems to me to explain exactly why she doesn't want to read His Needs Her Needs or fill in the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. It would be too challenging to her "Positive Attitude" view of life that would require her to acknowledge empathy with my feelings.

This is a dilemma. Her positivity is part of her attractiveness to me. Although I have objectively been successful in life, my character still has an underlying shyness and insecurity that her positivity counterbalances.

Oy Vey!
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Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: Lingering resentment and separation BrainHurts 11/29/21 12:23 AM
I agree with SugarCane, please write Dr. Harley again and please let us know what he says.
25 508 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Bored to the point of divorce? happyheart 11/28/21 01:01 AM
Introducing him to Marriagebuilders would be helpfull, especially for engineering types, because it is so logical.
14 227 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: I forgot who I am FL0geeh 11/26/21 08:20 PM
Im currently a fulltime student so i have no means to pay for a PI. i see your point. Thank you.
7 227 Read More
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: Request advice and assessment of progress BrainHurts 11/25/21 01:24 AM
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will receive a call to explain the procedure.
9 263 Read More
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: Loosing Patience and Feeling Defeated SugarCane 11/22/21 06:05 PM
Welcome to MB. I've seen you online a couple of times. If you want more responses to your thread, you need to reply to the posts that have already been made.
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Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: WH medical issues, should I still expose? SugarCane 11/22/21 05:23 PM
Originally Posted by phoebega
...he is defiant about continuing to see her. I had another confrontation with him about it tonight, when I realized he was on his way to a date with her.

Now for the additional wrench that's been thrown into this mess, he has just been diagnosed with a serious medical issue which may require chemotherapy. His only sibling (who I'm close to and is the only person I've told about his affair) has also just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm torn about whether to wait to expose his affair until we have more information about his medical issues, because they may end up resulting in a forced separation between he and his affair partner. Also, he's leaving in a few days to spend 2 weeks with his sister prior to her breast cancer surgery.

I had a session with Dr Harley last week and we talked in generalities about exposure, but at the time I wasn't sure whether my husband was going to stop seeing his AP, but as of tonight I have his answer. When I confronted him again tonight he told me I was driving him away by doing so.
Welcome to MB. This is a horrible situation to be in, and I'm sorry to read about it.

From what you've written, now that your husband has admitted the affair, he is making no movements towards ending it. Indeed, he is "defiant about continuing to see her". He is willing to break up his marriage over this affair.

As I understand it, you're asking whether the potential separation that your husband's issue might cause might obviate the need for exposure. And you're asking the same question over his sister's health issue: will the fact that he will be with his sister, and therefore unable to see his affair partner, mean that the affair will not continue for those weeks and you can avoid exposure?

I'm sorry, but the need to expose the affair immediately is not affected by either his or his sister's health conditions. Even if we assume the worst - that your husband will need chemotherapy - that does not mean he hasn't already had an affair, and it does not mean that he will not continue having it. The reasons for exposure as just as valid, whether he ends up needing chemotherapy or not.

The same goes for his sister's health; I cannot see why her sad circumstances (which I'm very sorry to hear about) and his visiting her mean that the affair will end. There is no link between those two things at all.

Additionally, I warn you to be careful because he might be more able to see his affair partner while he is staying with his sister. Obviously, I don't know the details, but it puzzles me that he is will be staying with her for two week BEFORE her surgery. The prospect of surgery is daunting, but why would anyone need someone to stay with them for so long before it? Maybe the night before, but for two weeks? What will he do for her? I should have thought that it was much more necessary for her to have him stay with her for two weeks AFTER the surgery. Breast cancer surgery often involves removing some lymph nodes, and this affects the use of the arm. It is major surgery. She will need help with housework, shopping and cooking AFTER the surgery. Have you spoken to her about the visit, and are you sure it is as he describes it?

You have a gift in the fact that OW has an ex who might be ticked that your H has been having sex in the house while his children are there. You need to expose to him immediately, and recommend that he tells his children. You also need to expose to your husband's family, asking them to put pressure on him to stop the affair, and to your own, asking for support.

You also need to prepare for Plan B, which you should move into this week. Has Steve Harley spoken to you about this?

How long have you been married? Do you have children together? What ages?
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Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Married 32 years I initiate all physical affection ben 11/18/21 04:06 PM
Thanks, I saw reference to that and I will read it. I do want to get as broad a perspective as possible.
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Divorcing/Divorced Jump to new posts
Re: What are my next steps living_well 11/13/21 05:44 PM
HardWorkingDad; you may be familiar with this story but it is one that is so appropriate to your situation that I want to put it here anyway. A river burst its banks and created a terrible flood. Many were able to escape but some did not. One of those was a deeply religious man who dropped onto his knees and started to pray. He heard the warnings to evacuate and continued to pray. As the water level rose he climbed the stairs and continued to pray. A rescue boat came by and some got on but he prayed harder. Eventually the water level rose so much that he had to climb out onto his roof. There were helicopters making rooftop rescues but he prayed on. When the water was almost up to his neck he cried out to God 'why have you forgotten me'. The voice of God came back to him saying 'What do you mean forgotten? I sent the rescue services to you three times and three times you ignored them'.

We are here to help you but we cannot help if you do not allow us to. God's plan sent you here.
9 271 Read More
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