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Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: What should I do? SugarCane 01/23/23 09:13 PM
Originally Posted by ~~Concerned~~
The reason I am posting is to get some viewpoints on what I should think about all of this. Although she is quite strong and athletic for a female I am much taller than she is and was not at risk of serious physical harm. But that doesn’t change how deeply upsetting the whole thing is.
I won't attempt to tell you what you should think.

You seem to be suggesting that what she did was worse than what you did, but I don't see where that kind of analysis will lead you. It doesn't matter whose behaviour was worse; what matters is that you had an angry outburst and so did your wife, and that these are destroying your marriage.

I had a look at your history and you seem to have had a similar pattern in your first marriage, where you were unhappy with your wife and she seemed not to care how you felt. Would you say that you're back in the same place now?

You also had angry outbursts in that marriage. You were told to look into anger management, but clearly you have not eliminated this behaviour.

How did the first marriage end? Do you have custody of the child of that marriage? How did that come about? Why isn't it shared custody?

Second marriages with blended families have a higher failure rate than the already high failure rate of first marriages. What do you argue about?

I'll stop now and give you a chance to write more.
1 102 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Looking for a win-win solution: biking vs. driving Debbiere 01/20/23 04:32 AM
Originally Posted by stasia27
Hi everyone, this is my first post!

I'm very familiar with the policy of joint agreement after listening to many of Dr. Harley's books. My husband and I are working through some conflicts and going through the steps outlined in Dr. Harley's books for how to find a solution that both my husband and I can enthusiastically agree on.

One of our conflicts in particular we have struggled with for many years and are trying to figure out a solution that we can both be happy with.
I'm wondering if any of you have any suggestions for things we can try.

So here's our conflict: my husband loves to ride a bicycle everywhere that he needs to go: work, church, grocery stores, etc. I also enjoy riding a bicycle and even transport our two boys on it to school, church, etc. We definitely enjoy bicycling and very rarely use our car. The problem is that for many years, I felt like I HAD to ride a bicycle, even if I wasn't feeling up to it. If I would tell my husband that I would rather drive (maybe it's raining, dark, windy, etc.), then he would get very sad, even upset. He would try to convince me that I really should ride my bicycle. He basically believes that if something is biking distance away, then we should both always ride bikes.

So for many years, I felt like I needed to please my husband and sacrifice for what makes him happy: me riding the bike. I felt very controlled by him, but didn't really know what else to do. I felt like it was my wifely duty to submit to him and follow his desires to ride bikes. Over the past months of listening to Dr. Harley's books, my eyes have been opened to how I should NOT be sacrificing like this in our marriage, that it ultimately won't lead to a win-win solution. I want to have the freedom to decide for myself how I want to transport myself (and often the kids too): using a bicycle or a car.

So my husband's point of view is: "If something is biking distance away, both my wife and I should ride a bike, regardless of our feelings or other weather conditions, etc."

My point of view is: "If something is biking distance away, I can choose if I ride a bike or drive a car based on my feelings or weather conditions, etc."

We need a solution that we can both enthusiastically agree on. I've been asking my husband what exactly he dislikes about me driving and it has to do with the fact that driving a car costs money (gas & maintenance) and riding a bike is free. He is very passionate about saving money. Some of my thoughts for a solution along those lines include us deciding together how much money we'd both like to spend on driving a month and putting that in our budget (something we just started working on!). He still struggles with getting over the fact that if something is biking distance away, then biking should be preferred and driving should be avoided. So I'm not sure we'd be able to arrive at an agreement for money to budget towards driving each month.

Any ideas you have are welcome and thank you so much for taking the time to read through all this! smile
Hey! We have a similar problem, however, it looks a bit different. I earn less than my husband, and all the time it seems to me that I should spend as little as possible. We don't need to save money, especially on travel, but I feel guilty about wasting my husband's money. We have a common budget, but it still seems to me that if I use my husband’s bank card, then I spend his money. By no means do I force him to ride a bike with me everywhere and in bad weather, but he feels that he must do this to support me. It turns out such a vicious circle that I have to break.
2 395 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: New/Independent Lifestyles HoldHerHand 01/19/23 01:27 PM
In this day and age, the Marriage Builders approach can "seem" radical. It really isn't. It harkens back to folk tales about "the wolf you feed." It's also pretty consistent with the outcome from the 80 year + Harvard study looking at all sorts of measurements over lifespan.

The people who were the happiest in late age noted it was their RELATIONSHIPS that made life worth living.

Add to that, people who reported having satisfying and healthy relationships in their 50's also had BETTER PHYSICAL HEALTH OUTCOMES.

In short, you can certainly choose your work. But the evidence suggests that over the span of your life, you'd be better served to have your relationships - including your marriage - be the focus of your life. The dividends in health and happiness are priceless.

Discussion of Harvard study on Happiness
4 812 Read More
Dating and Relationships Jump to new posts
Re: I think my fiancé is cheating Debbiere 01/16/23 05:05 AM
Hey. In your case, the most important thing is to take care of your health first. Also, you should talk like adults, calmly and sincerely. If you know a person well, you can understand that he is lying to you. If you are unable to understand this or do not want to notice his actions, you want to justify him, then think about why you are doing this.
I wish you good luck and take care
3 451 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Parenting Conflict purple17 01/06/23 08:57 PM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Did you ever get a chance to email Dr. Harley?

No, I haven’t. To be honest, I want to be able to have a more in depth conversation or coaching, and not just a one off question and answer.
16 1,441 Read More
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