[quote=SadNewYorker] What do you think?
Thank you Sailor, that's correct she had a major personality disorder. I say had because I fully believe she's recovered.
The reason why I stayed while she had affairs is basic, I believed I wouldn't have a chance with anyone else and that everyone will cheat on me. However, the biggest reason was I didn't want my kids left alone with her, I wasn't guaranteed custody so I stayed for them.
The cure to her healing was no judgment. A safe and loving environment for her to open up and be loved. This happened, although only after I decided to leave. When I left the environment was safe for both of us, I was heavily traumatized by everything. I don't know how we survived it all. So we have both recovered from the trauma side of all that happened, and we are more whole than we've ever been. We've forgiven each other and understand.
I didn't understand the depth of her issue because my resentment was intense, I didn't know how to see through it. I was too far in my own shame to understand her or give her a safe place. I just battered her with blame all the time. Leaving gave the safe place and things improved quickly.
Our history isn't a problem anymore, we freely and safely talk open about it which has been great for all the epiphanies. We have no judgment to each other.
So that's all well, when I left, I had no idea what else I could do. Things were horrid I feared someone would get hurt, so I left and is when I met someone. I was so low in my confidence that I would never have thought someone would find me attractive. When it happened, I was surprised and it showed me a lot of the things I thought about myself due to what I experienced were not true, she acted out of her trauma it wasn't me.
Either way, me leaving had some positives ie healing from what happened. I didn't intend to meet someone, my foolishness here was that I never set boundaries, I didn't think I needed any. My second bad choice is when I left, I lied and did not tell her my intention was that it was over, she was misled by me to think we were working on things, while I just wanted us to work on ourselves. I have huge remorse over this. I feared her knowing it was over would send her into more destructive behavior. I feared for my children if that happened. So, I left hoping everything would settle and then we'd get along for everyone's sake. Which happened, but I didn't realize that after that I'd have new hope again.
So all the above his not an issue anymore, we're forgiven and we have no resentment. That's all out the way.
I agree with you I can't serve two people. This is the problem, the situation I'm left with and I feel stuck. This is where I don't know what to do, or how to decide which way to turn. My wife and I talk about it a lot. She's incredible and I'm grateful to her. I understand your saying I'm codependent because I don't care much for my own needs, I care everyone else is happy. I can't help it because I care deeply for everyone, my own self-worth does not rely on anyone else either anymore. I simply have a deep care for everyone. My wife will be ok, the kids I feel will be okay, but the main problem here I struggle with is their ideas on what a marriage should look like, their ideas are warped, and I don't know yet how to fix that. I
t's a choice between the kids and their beliefs or the person I'm with. If everyone is ok, I am happy. Personally, I think anyone would want a family reconciled. I'm not sure if that's wise or not. I also fear if I leave and she is destroyed the kind of impact this will have on me, will it put me back into a dark place.
For the person I'm with, I feel extremely responsible. The hurt it would cause her is serious, which I don't know how to deal with. My desire is for her to be ok, if she's able to let go I can be free to reconcile without struggling over her suffering. I don't really care about romantic attraction; I'm attracted to her and haven't been to my wife but this isn't a problem for me because I understand the program will work. This is about the care side of it, the agape love if you will.
I care about what's right, not what I want. I know on the face of it what's right seems to cut ties and reconcile. It's not so simple, it feels too cruel and I don't know how to live with that. We committed and made promise, she has given her whole heart everything. I love her very much I feel responsible for caring for her. I'm in a tug of war not over what I want, but over who needs me and who gets hurt the least.
