Joined: Jun 2002
Hey Bob...sure, let's look at this because I think both you and Ark are looking at this from the wrong direction. I can answer all of the other questions Ark had and you had above right here.
So the only thung that a husband should find satisfation in is serving the caprice of his wife, even if it delivers him misery and frustration?
If placing our wives' wants above our own is holy and desirable, why then does God allow us to divorce cheating wives ? Should we not drive them to OMs house and wait to drive her home when she's finished as this is placing their desires over our own ?
I'm really struggling with this MM. I have, with RIFs help, started to adopt headship of my family and to serve my wife as God intends but I am struggling with the tenets you lay out in this thread.
help me understand please.
Agape does not mean you drive her to the OM's house. Take it to another addiction...drugs. If my wife was a drug addict, her desires would be for more drugs. Now, you are asking if I should provide the drugs, or take her to her drug dealer. Now, how in the world is that loving?
Maybe I should have qualified things above. But, we need to understand that Jesus doesnt grant us all of our desires either. It is like in the Bible, it says if a believer asks, God will grant his request. Well, I know pretty much for sure that if I ask for a million dollars this morning, it isnt going to happen. Does that mean Christ doesnt agape me? Because he didnt grant me that desire? Of course not.
I gave you an example in my last post of agape, of putting my wife's needs ahead of mine. But if I were to buy her drugs, although she had a desire for them, I wouldnt be being loving by getting them for her and hurting her. Do you see?
You are your wife's head. You are to agape her, to put her ahead of your own needs, wants and desires. But in a loving way. Never in order to hurt or destroy. Sometimes that means you have to do things contrary to what she is asking for.
Have you read Hosea in the Bible? If not, read it. look at what Hosea gave up for his prostitute wife. For TEN years!! And then, when she was finally broken down and couldnt run any more, in front of the entire town square, he went and bought her back. And brought her home. And as he did, he laid down the rules and boundaries of her return. Read it. And you will understand more of what I am talking about.
If anyone has read my threads from when this all first started for me, they will see that while I was deployed to Bosnia, I knew something wasnt right at home...but didnt know about the affair. But as I prayed, I kept getting the same message over and over again. "mortarman, stop worrying about your wife, get back to your first love (Jesus), and die for your wife." I have spent three years getting to understand what Jesus was trying to tell me there.
Sacrifice is not sacrifice that is thoughtless or pointless. It isnt debasing yourself or having no boundaries. It is putting your wife's greater good ahead of your own.
Is her continuing in the A her greater good? Of course not. And you need not support her in that. In my case, I stopped paying any of her bills after she moved out. She had to go to bankruptsy. But I alwats kept a watchful eye that she had enough to eat (sometimes the kids and I would buy some groceries and slip them into her car while she was at work). EVERY TIME she was sick, it wasnt the Om there at her apartment taking care of her...it was me. I would get a sitter for the kids, and then go there. One time while she was gone, she was so sick, that I thought she was going to have to be hospitalized. I took off work, and stayed at her apartment and fed her, bathed her, held her, etc. You think that wasnt painful? Here she was in this apartment she got so the OM and her could be together, and I was in there taking care of her. thoughts of what they had done there swirled thru my head. Many times, I left there in agony over it. But, my wife was sick...and she needed me. her need at that time had to be put ahead of my needs, and my pain. After she got better, did she stop seeing the OM? nope. Affair went on a little while longer. But what I had done made a lasting impression on her. And on the OM. And on others around me. Many called me a fool for so long. Why take that abuse? Let the OM take care of her when she is sick. But over time, as the people around me saw what I was doing, the sacrifices I was making (like retiring from the military...a job I loved), they began to stop calling me a fool. At first, they were just quiet and watched. And as they saw my wife return, they began to comment things like "I know what you are doing, and I so respect what you ar doing for your wife and kids." And now?? Well those same friends are mad at me because their wives are now on their cases...want to know why they dont love them like I love my wife.
Did my wife deserve ANY of that??? Absolutely not. She deserved the opposite. but grace is something different. grace is giving something to someone that they do not deserve, did not ask for...and were actively rebelling against.
Like I said, agape is putting your wife's needs, wants and desires ahead of your own. Putting her best interests ahead of your own. but that requires us husbands to die to ourselves.
Wives are not commanded to do this. Sure, they can do this...and it would be nice. but they are not commanded to do this.
One question above that I would like to address is why God does allow divorce. And He does, for certain reasons...such as adultery. He allows it, but never commands it. Remember, God in Malachi says that He hates divorce. Any divorce!! Even for adultery. He hates them.
someone said to me when I was contemplating divorce from my wife i nthe middle of the mess, that if I was waiting for God to tell me to divorce my wife, then I would be waiting a long time. Because God will never tell you to divorce your wife. Never.
As Jesus said, divorce was ALLOWED due to the hardness of our hearts. He realized that some people would not be able to get past what has happened. He also realized that the BS is a victim, and to hold that victim to a spouse that continues in adultery was too much many times. So, He allows divorce.
But divorce is the last resort. I am a beter man today for what I have gone thru. I rely on Christ more. I am a better husband and father. Not much gets me upset anymore. I dotn even think much about dying for my wife anymore, as it is beginnign to become a habit.
You know, Jesus washed the feet of His disciples i nthat upper room. even though He knew they would let Him down the next day. He even washed Judas' feet, the man He knew that was about to betray Him. Jesus was a servant. And rue leaders are servants.
I hope this has helped. Please keep asking questions and we can walk thru this together. This kind of love is so antithetical to what we humans are used to or know. It is God's kind of love.
In His arms