OT a bit MM - but looking for a Christian perspective...
I vowed on my wedding day to commit my life to honoring, my H, have and hold him, love and cherish him, comfort him through good times and bad times, be faithful to him, etc. He made the same promise to me.
I broke my vows, I did not cherish him, I did not comfort him through his bad times, I was unfaithful to him and did not honor him.
Does this make my vows nul and void? Isn't this considered a bad time? I BELEIVE in my vows still. I am learning through Christ to be a better wife, a better woman. I am loving and cherishing him through these bad times now, NOW being faithful to him, honoring him.
But because I broke the vows, because of his pain, is he breaking his? I know he is being faithful, but what about honoring me, cherishing me through my bad times. This was a VERY bad time for me.
No don't take this the wrong way - I am not playing the memememe, as far as I am concerned, he does not have to do this for me - he is hurting, he is in pain, I hurt him beyond compare, but it makes me wonder...do alot of BS's see their vows as completely broken? Do some BS's see the vows as JUST being faithful
I look back, and both of us broke MANY of our vows, long before my A. I was critizing and degrading him long before the A, he was neglecting and not comforting me, long before my A. We took eachother for granted long before the A. The A I do believe is the worst deal breaker of them all - but in a spiritual Christian sense, I see me as breaking many more vows before that point, and him breaking many of his.
I know my vows are now MORE important to me than ever, but they mean nothing to him. So much so - he will no celebrate our anniversary. Just looking for a Christian perspective on these thoughts and ramblings - sorry - didn't mean to thread jack either...just trying to live like God intended me to, as God's child, and a wife as God created me to be...and of course these leads to more questions!!! lol
Hey DS, great question!! This question is the MAIN one that kept me in the game with my WW. It is the main one that continues to keep me there.
Why in the world did I take her back? Most of my friends and relatives did not understand at the time. One of the major reasons I did was my vows. I made a vow to God AND my wife on our wedding day. While she might have broken hers to me, mine still held between me and God. I said that I would be her husband and do all of those things you mentioned above, until DEATH do us part.
Many of us love the rich, health, in good times. But vows were not made for times such as these. Those vows were made for poorer, for sickness, for bad times. I told my wife with my vows, essentially, that I was there for her no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT!!
Now, yes...God has ALLOWED divorce for ceratin sins. But that is not His will. His will is that despite our sins, despite how we have let each other down, that this marriage endures...and thrives. That's why I refused to listen to the foggy statements of my wife. I decided I was going to listen to Jesus and follow the truth, and make my WW, my friends and my relatives all "liars."
As much as the A hurt me, Jesus took me down a road that led to me realizing that her sin of adultery and of abandonment of me and the kids was no different in his eyes, than the things I had done to her. My failures. Remember, ALL sin has the same punishment...death!
I cannot speak for your husband, except for the fact that his reactions are normal. This is why God ALLOWS divorce for adultery. Because there are some that just cant get past the betrayal. But, as I believe JL told me one time..."if yo uare waiting for God to tell you to divorce your wife, you will be waiting a long time...because He NEVER will."
Our God is a God of redemption. The God of second, third, 100 chances! Grace. Unmerited, undeserved favor.
I now realize, as JL pointed out to me back then, that I had two choices. I could have given in, and been blameless. I could have walked away and started over. I could have walked away and saved me the pain of Plan A, Plan B...recovery. I could have started with someone new who I didnt every so often, picture with the OM.
But I also had a second choice. To take the narrow road, as it says in the Bible...the one less traveled. Since I went down this road, I can tell you...I look at where it has taken me, and I do not regret it one bit. Even if our marriage had not workd out. Why? Because the wide path, the one where I quit and divorced her, took me down a road that missed God's will, missed the best that He wanted to give me. The narrow path, the one with some incredible pain and hurt, has been found to have so many blessings now, that I dare begin to count. Life has taken a dramatic turn for the better.
You see, this reminds me of the story of a little girl...maybe 5 years old. When she was one, her daddy gave her a gold necklace. Now, it wasnt real gold...but the little girl wore it everyday and it was her most prized possession. But after awhile, it bgan to turn her neck green from wear.
Her father came to her one day, asked her to take off her necklace and give it to him. That he had a gift in his hand in exchange for it. That little girl thought for a moment and said "No, daddy. I love this necklace." She would not let go of it. It was her most prized possession. Her dad told her that was fine...and that when she was ready, he would exchange the new gift for the necklace.
Everyday for a few months, her dad would ask her to exchange the necklace for the gift in his hand. And she would say "No daddy...I love this necklace. I love you."
One day, the little girls finally relented. Crying, looking at the floor, she held her hand out to her dad with the necklace in it. Her dad took the necklace out of her hand and placed in it her gift.
A 24K gold necklace, with a diamond pendant! Real gold this time! This girl, because she loved so much what she had and what she knew, had been unwilling to trust her dad enough that he would take what she had, what she loved...and give her it back in spades.
God wants our marriages to work, to thrive. He wants to lavish blessings upon us. But too often, we block those blessings, block those miracles, because we do not trust "Daddy" enough that he will take what we have and turn it into something miraculous.
Your husband hasnt realized this. And while coming here, and/or Godly counseling may help him get there, what I just showed you above will be the GREATEST factor in his life towards getting him there. What is that? It said that if he isnt up to snuff, then he can be won without a word, by the behavior of his wive.
If you submit, if you know how to properly seduce your husband, if you surrender to this fully, God has promised that He will take care of your husband. After all, Jesus is your husband's head. But if you do not trust "Daddy" enough to do what is right for you and your marriage, then you will continue to hold onto that beaten, worthless necklace. And you will block your miracle.
In His arms.