Thank you for telling me that I misunderstand.
To clarify, I was referring to your first marriage, not your current BF...that for tne years you used a different person, another human being in your mind, to block intimacy in your first marriage.
Not this one.
Reason enough for you to see your BF now doing this, what you did for so long, even if he's not. Or if he is...to suspect, be prepared, to react to him as if he is (and maybe he is, don't know) because you no longer want to block intimacy with fiction.
Reasonable fear. You did it to someone for a decade. Understandable to me that you would look for someone, somewhere, to reach into your relationship and take BF away...because that's what you did to someone.
Because you think of a loved one as "clutches" for he loved her, you understand that...labelling her dysfunctional hurts your relationship...same for clutches...and believing he wasn't choosing her, daily, throughout their long-term relationship...is dysfunctional, correct?
Because they you'll see yourself in that light, as well...human to human...in our design...how we work...and when he seems displeased, hurt...you might look at your hands and see clutches, too.
The family will say the same thing about you as BF gets more and more depressed, frustrated, angry at your distrust, your jealousy...and it won't be true then...
as it isn't now of the woman he didn't marry before you.
Get to understand that his family sees him in need of rescuing...which means he's not strong, smart, able or capable enough to rescue himself...that he puts his choices onto others...and you're an other...which is blame-shifting...and in infatuation, is joy-shifting--"Oh, you are the one who makes me so very happy" is the flip side to "How you drive me insane, ruin my life the way you hurt me."
Same coin, Litha.
Understand now, after all you've experienced, that your jealousy is about you...not him...not him doing. You know it's odd and kinda crazy...and you know reality is that he is not cheating per se...he has the potential to cheat. No blind trust (healthy). No trust at all (unhealthy).
If you stop belittling his previous GF (you share a lot of the same stuff, undoubtedly, even as you share your experience of him, as well), I believe your jealousy and fear will fall into reasonable...won't flare up...
And I hope you will also consider it's use, jealousy, as an intimacy blocker as well...and by sharing what you're going through with him, you are breaking that pattern.
May not be rational...may still be your time to heal inside...do amends...choose your life...and what you really want now.