Hi SS, sorry you are here. What is your plan for fixing the marriage? Have extraordinary precautions been put in place so this doesn't happen again, such as a committment to never be alone with other men and transparency of all activities, cell phone passwords, computer passwords?

Secondly, has she ended contact with the OM and are you secretly verifying this by monitoring all her activities? Snooping will be your greatest ally in preventing this affair from going any further.

Another essential step will be informing the OM's wife about their adultery. Has she been told the truth so she can protect herself from your wife and her husband? This is essential information about her life which she has a right to know. She also has to know so she can get STD testing.

Keeping the affair a secret only increases the chances that it will resume. Affairs thrive on secrecy.

If the OM's wife is not told, then your wife is free to pursue him and he is free to pursue him. With 2 people watching the adulterers from both end, it is less likely to resume.

I would get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley, which will give you a plan for recovery. And it will take a real PLAN to recover from this. Just ending the affair is not a plan.

Can't we just forgive and forget?

and an excerpt from Requirements for Recovery that sums up what it will take to recover quite well:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
entire article here



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