Hi SS...

I just finished reading your thread - this is my first post to you...I am a FWW, my husband, Mr. W [who also posts here] and I did recover our marriage using MB, so we know a bit about the path you have just begun...A couple things stood out to me...

The part about your setting her boundaries and then taking them back in particular...You do understand that YOU are still supposed to have boundaries, yes? Think of boundaries like fences - set up around you to protect you...So your boundary regarding contact between your wife and OM might look like this : If you continue contact with OM, then I will choose to ____________. [whatever you choose to put in the blank is your enforcement of said boundary] Make sense?

In our case when it was firmly established that NC was in place, Mr. W had one boundary that he stated with conviction to me, and that was, "I refuse to live in a loveless marriage"...I knew he was serious as a heart attack - from that point we dove head first into MB...MB gives you a PLAN for how to fall romantically in love with each other again - and STAY that way! Good stuff!

The very BEST tool that you could use to recover your marriage would be for the two of you to attend a Marriage Builders Weekend - there are links at the top of this page...Mr. W and I can't say enough good things about it...Doing so will give you both daily access to Dr. Harley himself on the private forums here, as well as an intense accountability program...for LIFE...The program is backed with a 100% money back guarantee...I hope the two of you will consider it...

Originally Posted by SS
Thank you for the advice, JL. I disagree slightly with this comment, because unfortunately self-esteem and self-image play a large roll in situations like this. Non-boundaries on our part do play a part, but I'm confident that I could have lunch with any one of her friends, or even one of my co-workers, and I would never EVER think about going behind my wife's back to see them again. Even if one of them showd an interest in me, my self-esteem doesn't require that to make me happy. I'm perfectly happy with myself. She isn't necessarily happy with herself.

Careful SS, this is dangerous thinking...For a couple of reasons, first it presumes you are immune to having an affair yourself - and THAT is a scary place to be - I would have said the same about myself - "No way would I EVER cheat!"...Those that believe they are immune are at the greatest risk...Dr. Harley is very clear that we are all wired for affairs and shows us how to protect against them...What you must understand is that in the above scenario you gave? The one regarding having lunch with a member of the opposite sex? THAT is the part that means your boundaries are out of whack! Married people do NOT do that...A boundary is NOT a matter of testing your ability to RESIST temptation, it is something you put into place to AVOID temptation! See? Will power is very unreliable...You'd be wise to listen and learn regarding that...

The other reason, is that your attitude of superiority about this will likely bleed through to your wife - I realize that you most certainly DO have the moral high ground right now, but I would advise you to be careful how you wield it...Mr. W's empathy towards me in understanding just how I'd gotten myself into the mess I put us both in helped our recovery so very much...

I noticed you said you were going to have your wife read here...Has she? If so, just the articles, or the forums as well? Any chance she will post?

Best,

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered