SS I understand completely what you are doing here and to me you seem a lot like I was 4 years ago when I discovered my wife in a affair.

When you first discover it, you think that your situation is unique and that all these people telling you otherwise are bitter or suspicious or otherwise around the twist in what they are telling you and you go into denial thinking your wife could never do that, could never be as calculating etc. You get the "story" in dribs and drabs and want to believe it's true. However, the advice to get a polygraph for your wife is sound. She may well start singing like a canary before the test - that is pretty much the rule.

What you have been told about boundaries is correct - you need to ask your wife what she intends to DO to make sure this will never happen again. And you have to decide on your own boundaries of what you are prepared to tolerate and accept in order to remain in the marriage.

The TRUTH is your wife wanted to bang some other guy and she wasn't a good wife or mother while she was/IS in that wayward frame of mind.

So what you are doing now is "makin a list and checkin it twice" and tiucking off the areas you think will lead to a recovery. But this site has some unique ways of dealing with adultery that are pretty counter intuitive. Here's a few facts for you:

1. ALL wayward spouses LIE
2. ALL waywards seek to minimise the extent and the truth.
3. OM'sW is a good ally for you right now and you should both be in contact to monitor your respective spouses and ensure NC is maintained.
4. There are good odds that either your wife or OM has done this before and NEITHER of them is as "clean" as their BS's are desperate to believe and you should get checked right NOW for every STD known to man.
5. Your wife should write a NC letter you approve of and send it to OM
6. Your wife must commit to just compensation for her affair.

In MB terms, just compensation is outlined perfectly in the FAQ's here about surviving an affair but take the following steps as a guide.

1. Spending 15 hours a week alone together for undivided attention meeting intimate EN's of Affection, Sexual Fullfillment, Recreational Companionship and Conversation.
2. You should both do the EN questionnaire and determine your top 5 emotional needs and then develop a p[lan for meeting tohose needs for each other.
3. Do the LB inventory and eradicate love busters

Your wife should never travel without you overnight again and you should be free to check up on her 24/7

There's a bunch more - read "Surviving an Affair" and "Fall in love, stay in love"

You are also on autopilot now - expect to get very angry about this. Expect your wife to be moody for a while and unhappy. It's a rollercoaster. At the moment you think it's plain sailing but I promise you there will be a [censored] of a road bump along shortly!

The advice to attend a MB weekend is great advice.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.