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Hello to all, I am new to this. My life has come crashing down 24 days ago. We were out to dinner with casual friends only to find out my H and his W have become very close. My WS claims to be in love with her, it is the most love he has ever known and now he is pretty sure that he never felt that way about me and that he was going to wait to marry me , thinking he had cold feet, but married me anyway. We have been married 12 years now and for the most of those years it was great. Things started to go down hill when I returned to school to finish a degree. Then about a year ago my WS started traveling a great deal and then stuck up friendship with his co-worker/friend's wife during a mutual vacation. They began email, text and phoning shortly after vacation - 18 weeks ago, it became physical about 12 weeks ago. After I found out about the A, he and I wrote each other letters expressing how we felt. His letter contained many questions, part of which could I forgive him, and then on to say we have a marriage worth saving and I never stopped loving you. Now after the contact with the OW has not stopped he is telling me that he wrote that thinking I would say no I cannot forgive you and we are done. He said he did not know how to respond to my saying yes to forgiveness, now lets go to counseling and work on our marriage. Now he says my response trapped him. I am so confused, lost, hurt, and betrayed like many of you out there. I have done a MB/his needs her needs/surviving an affair crash course and now trying to implement plan a. However the A and the contact is not stopping between them. I do not know what to do or how to proceed. I love this person and we have built a great life. I helped to raise his 3 children and have good relationships with them. They are college age. Please Help - I am in total despair and need answers.
Last edited by Revera; 02/28/10 10:05 AM. Reason: title
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Mymissy -
Please use this thread to ask questions, tell your story.
It makes easier reading for the rest of us, if you use paragraphs.
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Now he says my response trapped him.
"I am not a trap.
My love for you is not a trap.
Our marriage vows are not a trap.
Our family is not a trap."
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How do you swallow your pride and hold your emotions in check while the person you loved and trusted most in this world - is in more love with someone else - more than when he married you?
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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How do you swallow your pride and hold your emotions in check while the person you loved and trusted most in this world - is in more love with someone else - more than when he married you?
And, with the knowledge that emotional outbursts are not your friend.
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Thank you for the support and answers.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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I feel as though while the A continues that there is no hope! I am barley surviving moment to moment.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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If you live in the continental USA, you should consider giving the MB coaching center a call.
Have you seen your physician for treatment of any depression/insomnia/anxiety?
Most of us needed that sort of help in the beginning.
It's hard to plan and think when under such conditions.
Often, medications can level you out closer to your baseline functioning.
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I feel as though while the A continues that there is no hope! I am barley surviving moment to moment.
Do your step children know about the adultery?
What about other mutual friends/neighbors, do they know?
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Was adultery involved with your WH's first divorce?
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Yes, OW husband is aware - he and I communicate often. My stepchildren are aware, unfortunately they have had to witness their mother do this twice now. My H is who she cheated on - so he has been in the seat that he has put me in. And yes, his family is also aware - they are also our neighbors. My family is aware, but they are an hour away. I have printed the carrot/stick and read it several times a day and am trying to implement according to those guidelines.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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yes, his wife cheated on him.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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The latest in this sad and disgusting drama came about this past week and most of all last night. WS was out of town past week when OW H phoned me to tell me that they are still communicating. I fell apart - this was after the week I had spent thinking we were working on our marriage and that the A was over.
I did not want the WS to come home last night - assuming he would spend the night at his parents, he did not. He went and saw the OW, she had asked her spouse to give her some space.
Now, all has fallen apart - after my WS came home this morning to disclose all truths, including last night, and the fact that he loves her more than he has ever loved anyone else.
I let the OW spouse know what happened. Now they are in a "civil war". If they separate completely I am afraid my WS will then go running to her.
Then what?
Is all of this horrific drama worth the end result? I have to believe in heart that it is - I am just not sure if I can take it.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Then I think so far the best comment this morning was- "I want to hope that when this is all over and done with that we can still remain friends".
I think I need someone to tell me that I am not going insane.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Then I think so far the best comment this morning was- "I want to hope that when this is all over and done with that we can still remain friends".
I think I need someone to tell me that I am not going insane. It's the usual WS "fogbabble". Very hurtful, yes. Try not to pay too much attention to it.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Missy, your husband is following the Wayward Spouse's User Guide to the letter. Everything (and I mean everything) he is saying and doing is patterned, predictable and unoriginal. I think someone, somewhere, owns a patent on how to be a wayward spouse! Think of it this way: Your husband has been taken over by an alien being. He only looks like your husband. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie, and is termed here "FogBabble." Imagine the old Charlie Brown/Peanuts cartoons: you husband is speaking like the teacher: "Hwha, hwha, hwha..." You do yourself a great service by not listening to a word he says right now. Yes, this is a horrible, violent crime that is being perpetrated against your marriage. If you're strong, and have the willingness, there is something you can do about it!The advice you will get here falls into three general categories: - Read everything you can on this site.
- Become intimately familiar with the practices and purposes of Plan A and Plan B.
- Post here, vent here, and get advice and instruction here.
The first thing that must happen is for the affair to die. Most die of their own accord, but there is a lot you can do to hasten the process. If you haven't already done the first and second items on the list, now is the time to start. We're here for you. Stay strong.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Missy, your husband is following the Wayward Spouse's User Guide to the letter. Everything (and I mean everything) he is saying and doing is patterned, predictable and unoriginal. I think someone, somewhere, owns a patent on how to be a wayward spouse! Thank you so much for reassuring me I am not going insane. I have been implementing plan a and I think we might have had a small break through. Last night he said he did not think he could take much more of the emotional roller coaster he was on and needed to make some decisions quickly to end the double life he has been leading. He stated he did not think he could do it alone and would I help him stop all contact. I said I would try to support that the best that I could. This morning he told me he was turning the pre-paid phone over to me, he was downgrading his phone to one that would be more difficult to text with, and he was deleting his personal e-mail account. So at least I hope this is an honest attempt to at least stop the A. I also realize that we are still not in a place to begin to reconcile. So many people know - he is not happy with the exposure that I did. What is my next step? I start counseling in 2 days - that is for me, I do not know if he is attending with me or not. For myself I need to hear a neutral voice. Any words of wisdom are welcome.
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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Missy, the first step in recovery is to have your H write a letter of No Contact that you approve and send to the OW. There are examples here and in the book, "Surviving An Affair." In brief, this letter --from you H-- says that what he/they did was wrong, and in an effort to put it right, he is instituting a policy of No Contact with her -- forever. He affirms that he will never again try to contact her and makes it clear he does not want her to try to contact him.
When the letter is written, and you have approved it and mailed it, then you can begin the recovery process.
I caution you: "false recoveries" happen all the time. This is why I strongly urge to you take baby steps at this point. Your H may balk at writing the NC letter, and you should not be surprised.
If you have ever dealt with an addict, you know what is happening. If not, you soon will know. Be positive, be strong, but also be prepared for setbacks. Being prepared may help you if not everything goes the way you hope. If things were easy, you wouldn't need this site, would you?
I don't mean to be a downer, but a realist. I wish you well and success. The road to recovery is filled with speed bumps...
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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It seems as though the honest discussions won't end now. He has just asked me to go to the MB website and print the article that had an example of how to write the letter of NC.
He has also agreed to change his phone number.
He is not sure if he is ready to start counseling with me in 2 days, but said maybe the following week.
He also said that we needed to take this all very slow, not like 2 weeks ago when we were forcing the issuing of rescuing the marriage and yet his contact with OW had not stopped.
Please continue with words of advice
Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10
"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
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