|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
Brokenin2,
My marriage counselor knows about my wife's emotional affair, but she advises against exposing it to family & friends. Why would I shame my wife like this if it could end my marriage??
Is your marriage counselor divorced?
I can't say that I have a great many examples to have any statistical validity, but so far since I've been weakly suggesting marriage builder concepts to couples in trouble, 2 out of 2 that were "definitely getting divorced" are still together. Both of those couples were in traditional counseling and were getting nothing but an additional expense.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 02/23/12 02:28 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My marriage counselor knows about my wife's emotional affair, but she advises against exposing it to family & friends.
Why would I shame my wife like this if it could end my marriage?? You have an inept "counselor" who has no idea how to save marriages. Hiding the affair only serves to enable it and you enable the affair at your own expense. My suggestion would be to find a qualified "counselor" or, better yet, read Dr Harley's books and articles. He knows how to save marriages, your counselor does not.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
P.s. Dr Harley is a renown licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders. He has 16 published books and has saved thousands of marriages using these principles.
As he says "it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler." I know of many marriages that ended in divorce because the spouse helped hide the affair. That helps the affair, but it does not help your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
My marriage counselor knows about my wife's emotional affair, but she advises against exposing it to family & friends.
Why would I shame my wife like this if it could end my marriage?? Here is a Marriage Builder article on how to select a good marriage counselor: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
Your marriage can stand someone's anger. Not cheating.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 4
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 4 |
Hello everyone,
I must say that this affair my husband is having is awful. I told him I knew about it and he finally admitted to it. This mind you was back in 2008. The affair is still going on. I must say I wish that exposing it would have helped to stop it but it keeps going on. I believe that the only way it is going to end is if I leave, but if I leave I am not coming back to this nightmare it has just been to0 much and I don't believe he is willing to change.
Total mess and so many lies it's heart breaking
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Hello everyone,
I must say that this affair my husband is having is awful. I told him I knew about it and he finally admitted to it. This mind you was back in 2008. The affair is still going on. I must say I wish that exposing it would have helped to stop it but it keeps going on. I believe that the only way it is going to end is if I leave, but if I leave I am not coming back to this nightmare it has just been to0 much and I don't believe he is willing to change.
Total mess and so many lies it's heart breaking Sammid .... PLEASE go post on YOUR thread. HERE is a LINK to YOUR thread!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Exposure 101 Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed? "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." "The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is." Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here Exposure targetsParents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner. Exposure TimingExposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any �perfect� time to expose, so don�t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time. Expose on the SAME DAY � or as close as possible � in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you Exposure TacticsSpouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL. Parents, close family, friends � Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too. Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee�s supervisors using the template letter posted below. Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner�s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP�s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM�S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below. The FalloutExpect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, �I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!� �I cannot trust you� �You have to pack and leave!!� �You have ruined any chance you had!!� Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don�t laugh, don�t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don�t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target! The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs. Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?"  Common Exposure MistakesTelling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes �who???� When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won�t work for you! Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say �ok, I will keep this a secret!!� And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won�t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows. Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit. Eliminating exposure targets because that person �has no influence over my WS� even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON�T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don�t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor. Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are �crazy� �jealous�. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that! Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away! After exposure you might be confused/frustrated by some very weird responses you get from people you thought would react with outrage ... they are strangely calm. They fail to show distain for adultery and might appear non-committal towards how devastating adultery is to a marriage. You expect ~~~> "OMG! Adultery s just so wrong."
What you got ~~~> "Well, these things happen when someone is unhappy in the marriage."What you may also hear ~~~> "Maybe you ought to just move on."
Here's what I've been thinking about for awhile. Many marriages have been "hit" by adultery. More than we know. It is my opinion (without proof or statistics) that the above responses are quite possibly a sign that there is/was a previous adultery in the respondents life that is still a secret. In particular, the "Just move on." comment is a  tip off to me (in my opinion) that person was probably an OM/OW/WW/WH at one time or another. Could I be wrong?  Certainly. But, my suspicions about a past (present?) secret adultery remain very high when I hear people getting those responses to adultery exposure. Remember all you BS about to expose .... chances are that at least one of your exposure targets has a past secret adultery that will color their response to your exposure. My opinion if you get this response .. "Why are you being so vindictive?" <~~~ The chances are that person is/was an adulterer. That is my opinion based on years posting on this forum & learning something new every day.
DO EXPOSURE ANYWAY.It's good to make adulterers nervous.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
PS
Another opinion of mine.
Chances are extremely high that your marriage counselor has also been involved with his/her own affair/adultery if that counselor ever says/implies that the BS is responsible for their WS's decision to cheat/lie/betray/fornicate/break vows/betray their values.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 8
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 8 |
Not sure if exposure is applicable to me.
I separated 3 months ago. My wife and I agreed we would work on our relationship both individually and together with a view to reconciliation.
Within 24 hours, she was registered on a dating site, and actively dating guys. I'm not sure if she has a boyfriend, I suspect so but no proof. I can get proof if I need it.
I'm 100% sure there was no affair pre-separation.
Given we are separated, despite our agreement, is exposure applicable?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
Welcome desperateguy and sorry for what has brought you here.
Please start your own thread so you can get responses to your situation.
Then I have a few questions. Did you move out or did she?
What snooping did you do to be 100% sure that there was no affair?
How long have you been married? Any kids?
Yes get the proof and yes you need to expose.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Exposure 101 Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed? "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." "The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is." Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here Exposure targetsParents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner. Exposure TimingExposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any �perfect� time to expose, so don�t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time. Expose on the SAME DAY � or as close as possible � in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you Exposure TacticsSpouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL. Parents, close family, friends � Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too. Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee�s supervisors using the template letter posted below. Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner�s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP�s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM�S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below. The FalloutExpect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, �I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!� �I cannot trust you� �You have to pack and leave!!� �You have ruined any chance you had!!� Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don�t laugh, don�t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don�t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target! The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs. Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?" Common Exposure MistakesTelling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes �who???� When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won�t work for you! Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say �ok, I will keep this a secret!!� And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won�t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows. Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit. Eliminating exposure targets because that person �has no influence over my WS� even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON�T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don�t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor. Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are �crazy� �jealous�. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that! Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!
until you get the pigs out of the creek.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 7
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 7 |
Melody, here goes on the exposure part with military members.
If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!
How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also. Mortarman, In my case, the OM is a retired marine. Do you know if this method would be effective? I assume he is drawing some kind of pension.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,447
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,447 |
I've just exposed affair and wanted to add my words of encouragement. Yes it isn't easy to do, it is counter intuitive you want to protect your WS, family, even yourself. As Dr. Harley, the vets and those more experienced have stated it is the most powerful tool we have in killing the affair.
Yes there are fears that some may not respond the way we wish they would, or we may not think we have enough evidence. But if it makes the WS & OP uncomfortable or interferes with their fantasy you have been successful. It may even plant the seed of doubt in the minds of friends who re think the story they have been told.
It isn't easy to mail that letter, push that button, but once you do and you get into the rhythm of PM on FB its suprising how empowered you feel. We are slowly taking back some control over our lives and hopefully a successful marriage in the future.
Good luck, listen to the vets the will guide, encourage and support you.
Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14
"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 561
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 561 |
ADVICE:
Never believe your WS has told anyone the truth about why your marriage is falling apart.
I thought for SURE my WXW had told her closest friends what was going on. My WXW had two other mothers in our neighborhood that she was VERY close with.
They spent virtually every day together having playdates for the kids, drinking wine, talking, etc.
But it wasn't until after the divorce that I found out neither of these women had been told about the affair.
That is why you need to EXPOSE TO EVERYONE.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 159
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 159 |
Greetings to all,
I've posted elsewhere (SAA), and was directed to read Exposure 101 -- which has proved extremely useful, and generated the following:
- I have compiled a list of 62 of OM's contacts (ie those who have commented/liked items on OM's page). Those contacts generated a total of 103 messages/comments/likes, out of which my WS's were 6 (six), the highest! There was one other woman and one guy with five, four women and two guys with four each, a couple of women with three, etc. I gathered these stats in case they help determine a) priority, and b) whether OM has a latent significant-other. Make sense? Any point?
- OM has no friends who aren't human, so the trick of befriending a small-company already friendly to OM etc won't work here. Alternative tack?
- My WS is very, very canny, and has NOTHING viewable to the public. How do you crack that nut? Or do you look for another nut to crack? (Btw, I have seen screenshots of OM and WS's arguments/lovers' tiffs, courtesy of Family Cyber Alert - which I can't rate highly enough, btw...)
- Not before time I deployed FCA (above): A scant three weeks later, and the WS starts a new job that gives her a new laptop -- meaning that she no longer will use the home laptop, on which I installed FCA. Still, it is Facebook that gave FCA the evidence...
Thanks. And all the best, happyfuture66!
----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 159
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 159 |
What's optimal timing for an exposure, Exposure 101-style? After challenging WS or finding truth from WS? Or is it through the exposure that WS is supposed to learn of BS's knowledge?
I was pondering the timing etc of doing exposure to OM's Facebook contacts and WS's e-mail contacts/friends, when this new event occured:
Today wife sent me a txt message asking if I could drop her by the hospital, after picking her up from the train station after work. I said OK, and "what's up re hospital"? She replied (in part): "have infected stomach bloated and now sore...usual girl stuff so need antibiotics".
B*llsh*t.
At least, that's what my now-suspicious mind tells me, betting that either a) she's missed her period, or b) picked up a present from her recent solo trip abroad (a "treat" for her self for having landed a new job, five months on).
So. It's taking ALL of my self-restraint to NOT challenge her right now, when I go pick her up from hospital. I know that she'll argue back and deny. She has once or twice in the past also thrown in an "I don't care what you do, so you shouldn't care what I do", just for good measure -- and I wouldn't be surprised if she deployed that tonight as well.
But worst thing is I haven't done the Facebook exposures to OM's contacts, nor the email exposures to WS's friends. Having an outburst now will probably ruin my "tsunami of truth", hence my forcing myself to restraint. How do I hold my tongue?
So, back to my opening question, what's the best timing for an exposure, Exposure 101-style? After challenging WS or finding truth from WS? Or is it through the exposure that WS is supposed to learn of BS's knowledge?
Thanks. My stomach is in knots, and my heart-rate is up. :-)
----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I would confront her and then expose the affair. Don't forewarn her that you are going to expose. Just expose and let her find out on her own.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 159
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 159 |
Thanx. I'm provisionally setting E-Day as Mon 28 May. Our daughter was seven just two days ago (15 May), and she has a party this Sat 19 May. WS "has plans" ("why the @^�*@^ didn't we just have people come here on Tue, and not have to do any entertaining on the weekend?!"), and is set on leaving Fri, coming home briefly on Sat for daughter's party, then leaving again, to return Sun or Mon. I want the little girl to enjoy the focus of her birthday.
I also need more evidence, altho' I suspect I'll get no more, because her new work laptop means WS'll seldom again use the home laptop, on which I'd installed the inestimable Family Cyber Alert (FCA) for evidence-gathering duties.
My main evidence comes from a number of screenshots (and keylogger text files) that capture WS's arguments with OM. He accuses her of now being free to move on to XYZ (another male) now that she has got him (OM) "out of the way"; and of behaving like a single woman (the cheek of it!). She counter-accuses him of inappropriate conversations with his ex-girlfriends, and in breath-takingly explicit and denigrating language, tells him to get lost. He responds by begging her: "I need you" -- then calling her on my home number in my house! Upon reading up to that point I all but threw up :-). I burst out laughing instead. I think my mirth was born out of relief -- relief that I wasn't insane, I hadn't been falsely accusing an innocent person, and relief that I had never lowered myself to begging, even in the dimmest days. I believe I have evidence -- but is it solid evidence? Does it convince even you, gentle readers? Thanx as usual...
----
Me: BS (b. 1965)
Wife: WS (b. 1971)
Affair exposed: May 2012. Affair proven: Apr 2012. Affair first suspected: Jan 2011. (Affair started: Late 2010.) ILYBINILWY (said by WW to BH): ~Sep 2009
DD: b. 2005. Married: May 2005. Met: Jul 2002. DSS: b. 1999.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
330
guests, and
101
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,496
Members71,972
| |
Most Online3,224
Yesterday at 05:02 AM
|
|
|
|
