Originally Posted By: Giraffe
That seems like sound advice. I don't suspect he is hiding anything anymore though. I guess you never know for sure though, right? When I found out about this (last night), he willfully gave me his phone and let me see what they were texting. So far he has answered all of my questions. He had deleted old messages from her before I found out about the whole thing. I did see the messages where he was trying to break it off with her.

You can get spyware at flexispy and a deleted text retriever. Look on the Operation Investigate forum.

He is very knowledgeable about tech and I have no clue, so I would worry he would find it. Plus, he is always on his phone, he uses it for business purposes, he almost never sets it down. I do think that if I told him I wanted to go through the phone he would let me.

I would not ask him to go through the phone again. He can just delete anything he doesn't want you to see so that defeats the purpose. The OW has to be blocked from contacting him, that means he either gets another # or he effectively blocks her. She can't have the ability to reach him EVER.

What is a VAR? We have a mileage tracker on his truck because he uses it for business purposes. We live rurally though, so it's completely inaccurate sometimes, bouncing around wrong cell towers.

It is a voice activated recorder.

Also, this just happened yesterday, last night, so my head is still spinning. I don't know for sure I want to reconcile. I tried to throw him out but ended up not going through with it. I think it's fair to go to counseling for help.

Just so you know, marriage counseling is destructive to marriages. The advice we give you here comes from Dr Bill Harley and it is completely counter to traditional marriage counseling.

I know this website is based on that book, or seems to be. I live in a small community and am afraid to order the book from the library because someone might see it on the hold shelf.

Download the book on kindle for PC's on amazon.com.

I read on here about disclosing it to everyone, but I don't think I'm ready for that. I feel so completely humiliated and I haven't told a single person yet.

No one is ever ready for exposure, but it is the single most effective step you can take towards saving your marriage. If you won't expose, i don't give this much hope. Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. Here is what he says about exposure:

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."

"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

You need to get over your terror real fast because it will take extreme measures to get over this extreme disaster. Please go read the Exposure 101 thread in my signature.

I will get there eventually. Thank you for listening. I think my next step will be to set up a counseling appointment. But I am a planner, and I feel like I need to protect myself, especially financially. So if anyone has any experiences or knowledge about that I would also appreciate hearing about that.

The next steps should be: exposing the affair and affair proofing your marriage.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101