I've been lurking on this forum for weeks now, reading the posts in all the areas. I've read many of the articles by Dr. Harley. But I may have missed something in my surfing around regarding meeting a spouses sexual needs that would answer my questions; if I have, could someone please direct me? Thanks in advance.
My situation is this: My H had an affair with a co-worker last year. We have been in marriage counselling for almost a year, and one of the issues that my H keeps bringing up is that he felt, and still feels, that his sexual needs are not met in our marriage.
Now, I can accept the fact that people do have different needs, at different times. What I am having a problem with, is that his sexual needs are SO different from mine. (And I'm talking both in terms of frequency, as well as variety.)
First, my H spends time, usually early in the morning while I am still asleep, visiting various porno sites on the Internet, although I would not say that he is addicted to them. It does bother me that he looks at these sites, and I have told him so in the past, although I have tried to refrain from doing so in a LB manner. One of the things that I am concerned about, and that I have pointed out to him, is that our two children use the same computer, and I don't want them accessing those sites. Also, I find it demeaning to think that he seems to think that he needs to visit those sites to get sexual fulfillment. He doesn't seem to feel the need to buy magazines, etc., but he refuses to quit visiting the internet sites.
The other issue is, I guess, less clear cut. My H has expressed interest in sexual practices that I, in all conscience, do not believe I can participate in. I'm sorry, but IMO, these activities are perverted, and I'm afraid that I let my H know that this is how I feel, in no uncertain terms. Major LB, I'm afraid.
The OW, on the other hand, took part in these activities wholeheartedly. So, I feel that, in many ways, I am being forced to "compete" with this woman, and that to level the playing field, I will have to participate in activities that make me ill to just think about.
Has anyone else had to deal with these issues? How can I make my H understand that I am not rejecting him, it's the behavior that I can't stomach?
I do know that the emotional connection between the OW and my H is still there, and the sexual connection is always lurking there in the background, too.
I have to admit, that I am afraid that if I can't swallow my distaste for these activities, I am going to permanently lose him. And I'm even reaching the point where I'm beginning to think that if he and I are so incompatible, sexually, that maybe we would be better off apart.