About a year and a half ago I went through a very hard breakup. We were together for 17 years, but never married. We were young when we met and still figuring out who we were and what we wanted out of life. She never pressured me to propose. I guess we always assumed that we would get married one day when the time was right. Again we were young. We moved in together instead. When I was in my late twenties I partially dislocated my shoulder at work. I spent almost six years in immense pain due to the injury, but nothing showed up on any of the imaging so every doctor I saw told me there was nothing wrong. I struggled to hold down a job or keep up personal relationships. I also started having severe bouts of depression.
The depression intensified the pain and made it harder for me to function which fed the depression. I had several mental breakdowns one of which I was hospitalized overnight for. I started smoking marijuana to get through the day and was high much of the time. It was a crutch I know, but the pain was unbearable. She encouraged it. I also started have bizarre episodes where I felt detached from myself and couldn't sleep. I was like this for six years. After the fifth year we really started drifting apart. We didn't know what was wrong with me so there was no way to explain to our families and friends why I didn't have a job or why I occasionally didn't go with her to a social events.
Five years after my injury I found a doctor that took me seriously. he found a tear in my rotator cuff that had caused my shoulder to destabilize to the point where I was partial dislocated on a regular basis. Around the same time I got a new nurse practitioner. She diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder and started treating both the depression and what I know now is mania. I was finally on the path to stabilizing. Shortly after my surgery she asked me to stay at my sisters for a month so she could have some space. I never saw our home again. We met at a bar were she told me it was over. She had been supported us financial and for a long time money was tight, but she had gotten a new job making six figures and could easily handle our credit cards bills, student loans, rent etc. She told me she had an affair and that there were plenty of other guys out there and I wasn't right for her. She told me her leaving me had nothing to do with my bipolar disorder or my shoulder injury. She implied she was too good for me and told me she just wanted to be a slut and do drugs. My therapist, who has been amazing, told me that affairs bring out the worst in a person.
Because we weren't married and she was supporting me, she got to keep everything (I'm sleeping on a fold up mattress in the living room of my sister's one bedroom apartment and living off money from my parents retirement). I knew things were strained between us, but I was recovering and we were financially in a good place. To me the future looked bright. Now here I am. She left me, she had an affair, she took everything, and she broke up with me like we were still in college.
I'm at a loss. I don't understand how she could do something so awful. I was very very very sick and trusted her with everything. She was the kindest sweetest person I knew. I have no closure and am struggling to accept it. To reconcile the person I knew her to be with her actions. I don't know if this is actually what she wanted. I hadn't formally proposed, but we planning on getting married. We even planned out a simple ceremony at city hall. We didn't get married because we couldn't afford for me to be on her insurance (I was getting medicaid and didn't have deductibles or co-pays) At some point she reached a breaking point (she said as much when she left me). Again, I had no idea just how much she was struggling with everything. It feels like it came out of the blue. She told me she wanted to go to counseling, but I have no idea if that was true or not. I know she felt like she lost herself in all of it.
I feel like I have no closure. Why did she hurt me the way she did? Why did she leave me just when things were looking up? Is this really what she wanted? Did she resent me? If we got married would it had made a difference? Did it really have nothing to do with my injuries? Is she really happier now? How can she live with herself? And of course, how could she so thoroughly betray me while I was so sick? How could this happen to us?
I know that my injuries too a toll on us and I was a shadow of myself, but it still feels like she has no excuse for any of it. Having the moral high ground seems pointless because she is gone and gets to keep the life we built together while I'm devastated on all fronts. I loved her so much and I know she loved me. I'm struggling to understand why it ended this way. My sense of loss is immeasurable. She took everything from me.
My therapist suggested I post here to help me grieve.