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#3015469 06/18/21 07:42 PM
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My thoughts are all over the place but I've spend the last few days rereading this site. I feel lost and stressed. I brought "Lovebusters" years ago, and read it. That's how I remembered this website.

Me and my husband have been married 26 years. He's my best friend. I would say we get along well and spend most of our time doing activities together. He always made me laugh with jokes and stories. He works and I do take care of household things and care for our disabled son, 25. We also have a daughter age 21. He is not extremely close to them but says he loves them. I know he trust me, I take care of paying bills and even have a Power of Attorney to do things for him. He always says "I make the money and you spend it for us." I've never refused him sex as I enjoy being with him.

Until about 3 weeks ago, he had a schedule change at work, and I thought he was just getting used to it. He was tired but was still doing stuff with me. But over the past 2 weeks, it seems he has slowly stopped talking to me. This past weekend, June 12 and 13, we played games, did yard work together and had sex. I thought he was feeling better. On Monday, he called me on his work phone asking if I had divorce papers yet, in a joking tone. I replied "No..." in a confused tone. He had to hang up after that and didn't say anything about it when he came home. But the rest of this week, he has kept his talking to a bare minimum. And today, he came home from work, changed clothes and left. Without a word or glance at me, even after I stopped what I was doing and greeted him as he came into the house. Usually, he will tell me where he is off too. (I just realized he also left on Friday June 4th for about 3 hours.)

As I've reread this website and what I just wrote, I think I might be dealing with an affair. I know I don't want that to be true but I can think of nothing else to explain this big difference in behavior. I'm still trying to be cheerful as he comes home but he isn't greeting me back anymore. We are sleeping in the same bed but he hasn't touched me since June 13th. (Unless it was while he was asleep.) It's this silent treatment that is hurting my heart.

It feels like a strange man has just replaced my husband. I don't know how to act, if I question him, will he move out? He is our moneymaker.

So I guess I'm asking for advice? Should I question him or continue to be pleasant and start snooping? My greatest fear is: I question him, he will move out and never look back.


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Welcome to MB.

Did you ask him at all, what he meant by asking for divorce papers? Is that a normal thing he jokes about? When you ask where he is going and where he has been for 3 hours, what does he say?

Do you have any spyware on any of his devices? Can you look at his phone?

Have you read anything on Plan A and Plan B?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks for your reply. No, I didn't ask about the "joke". Maybe I should have but I got thrown off. He has made jokes over the years. Not excessively, more like, "I'm going to get a younger model." And I'll tell him, "Hope she spends all your money on clothes and makeup." And he'll laugh.

I did mention about last Friday and he had said he was helping a co worker with a car. He was a mechanic so I really didn't think much of it at the time. I haven't asked about last night. He is playing computer games and totally not interacting with me.

I could put spyware on the computer but I doubt he is using it for anything but games. His phone on the other hand, he has it fingerprint locked for work and is always close by. I seriously doubt I could get into it. I might look into a car tracker though.

I have read both Plan A and B. So I going to gather the strength and fight for my family. Hoping I can do this.


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IPhone, ICloud?

If he synchronises his phone, you might be able to find something. Android is also eager to store private info.

Always first test with your own device, what notifications you need to turn off or intercept.

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He has an Android phone. So he just went off to Walmart (which I only know because I looked at our bank account) and I got onto his computer. Got into Google Account and looked around. He hasn't synchronized his phone contacts in awhile, it mostly listed family members. Email was mostly junk. I didn't notice anything off on Facebook either. I did try the Locate device on my phone first but it does send a notification.

He also has Straight Talk for a phone plan and it doesn't keep phone number records either. I've got a key logger on the computer now. See if it finds anything.
Now to see how long it takes for him to come home tonight since Walmart was only 10 minutes down the road.



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You van unlock his phone with his Fingerprint while he sleeps.
You may also want to get a Tracking device (Or old phone) so you can See where he is going and/Or Voice activating recorder.
You can install a babyphone App on his phone to Listen in in conversations But there is better Software That is hidden.(flexispy)
Alternatively you can Gift him a new phone Witz Software on it.


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You have to know what you are Fighting against.
And bring onyour best behaviour is Smart.


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It's sad I'm now questioning every interaction we have. And wondering what he is thinking about.

But anyway, I guess I'm using this forum as a timeline of sorts for myself too. I hope that is ok.
After he came back Saturday, being gone from 5:30 to 11:00, I was waiting in the room by the front door. I must have had a worried look on my face because he did ask me "What's wrong?" I told him I was worried, he had left without saying anything and we had a tropical depression come through earlier that morning. He told me he had transport duty at work. And proceeded to tell me some details. I accepted it from him and we went to bed. (Although in my head, I'm not sure I believe him). He faced away from me in bed and I cuddled up and kissed his back. He did end up facing me and having sex.

The next day, Sunday was Father's Day. I wore one of his favorite outfits, we cooked and interacted. He talked to me more that whole day than the past two weeks. It felt really nice. He didn't leave the house at all.

But he did get some text messages and when he got up to get a drink from the kitchen, I walked over to the desk and took a picture with my phone. I now have a girl's first name and phone number. I have no idea who it is. She is not on his Facebook friends. They were talking about the girl's friend getting hungover. I looked up the number and didn't get anything. But it is a local number.

I've got a car tracker and voice activated recorder ordered and on its way to me. I checked the keylogger on his computer this morning. He is looking at a porn video website early in the morning. And digging into his Adobe Acrobat Reader history, I found he was reading about non contested divorce in our state last Wednesday. I took screenshot of all and emailed them to myself.

Plus our daughter (21) now knows something is happening. She is close to me and has been picking up my mood. She said she won't say anything for now but I can tell she is worried. She even went back and helped him cook out and joke around. They played with our two dogs together as well.


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It seems very likely that he is having an affair. You shouldn't make any more efforts to have sex with him, as this is dangerous and exposes you to health risks. Use his reluctance and indifference to your advantage and stay away from sex.

In the meantime, keep spying, and use the electronic devices properly when they arrive. Make sure he knows nothing about them.


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I swear, I just go between sad, angry and determined. I woke up this morning, very sad. Took a shower and cried. Then took the dogs on a very long walk and just said bible verses to myself. That helped.

He had yesterday and today off from work. Under normal times, I would have welcomed that. But I did get the tracking stuff in the mail and was hoping to have it ready for the weekend. Since Friday and Saturday nights seem to be the ones were he disappears. I'll do my best.

I have also decided to take care of other stuff, just in case. New glasses for me and the kids. Some paperwork he always seems to put off. Little things that got put off, in the business of life.

I want to ask him why he is acting this way but I know he will say just work or nothing.


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Originally Posted by StarsAbove
I have also decided to take care of other stuff, just in case. New glasses for me and the kids. Some paperwork he always seems to put off. Little things that got put off, in the business of life.

Some more for the 'just in case' bucket

If you can copy financial statements without tipping him off, do it. A photo with your phone that shows the date of the statement.

Protect yourself from possible disaster by quietly taking his name off joint bank statements. That will protect you in the event he suddenly helps himself to the contents leaving you unable to pay the food bills.

Put into safe keeping essential items such as your children's birth certificates and passports.

Of course, none of the above should be done in a way that alerts him that you are suspicious. If you tip him off, everything will go underground and it will be far harder for you to find out what is going on.

Originally Posted by StarsAbove
I want to ask him why he is acting this way but I know he will say just work or nothing.

You are doing a great job. Stealth mode allows you to gather your evidence and be ready to cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war at exactly the right moment. We will help you with the timing. Besides, cheaters always lie so asking him would be a chocolate teapot.


3 adult children
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I want to thank everyone who is posting. You all are helping me focus and keep a grip on my emotions. The past 3 days have been alot of information.

I got the tracker and the voice recorder in his car Thursday night. He had told his mom he was taking his "work girlfriend" to work on Friday because her car was in the shop. His mom thought he was joking, of course. She always says I'm the best thing in his life. But I stayed up late to get the tracker ready.

I just listened to 80 minutes of conversation with my daughter. They work at the same place but different departments. She has kids and knows he is married.

At one point, our sister in law called him. After he got off the phone, the OW asked if it was his wife. He said no. And she said, yeah it would be messed up to talk with your wife while you are with your girlfriend.

They mostly talked about work and her family problems. She invited him over Saturday afternoon to meet the kids and he offered to cut the grass. So today, I watched the car tracker go over to her house here in town. And it took willpower not to go over there. I knew you all would tell me not to. He came home later and told me he was out flying his drone.

Now we cooked supper together and just chatting, like nothing is happening.

I have all the papers set aside. I can't take him off the bank account because he uses it for gas and his paycheck is deposited in it. But I do have some money moved to a checking account that only I can access. So we'll at least have some for emergency.


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I’m so sorry StarsAbove for what you found. But now you know what you need to do. You’re doing a fantastic job.

And you’re sure she is single? Do you have her friend’s and family contacts so you can do a proper exposure? Have you checked her social media? How old is this OW?

Please read Exposure 101

Ask the MODS to move your thread to SAA.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Sorry for your pain.

Take good care of yourself: food, sleep, exercise. You are doing a good job!

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I'm still trying to figure out who she is exactly. I only have a first name and she is not in our circle of friends. On the audio recorder, she sounds about 30s or 40s.

The car tracker stopped at a cluster of three houses here in town. I can swing by a side road the next time he parks over there to narrow it down.

He hasn't gone anywhere today but I'm going to put the recorder back into his car. To see if they ride to work together on Monday.

And don't worry. My daughter is constantly asking if I have ate or need a nap. I love her, she is my bright spot.


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Good, you’re doing a great job in not confronting him and to keep gathering information on her.

Did you run the addresses of the three possible houses?

Does their work have a website with employees on it? Have you tried checking social media under her first name and your city or LinkedIn with her work?

Can you afford a PI? A PI would be able to get the information rather quickly.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Well, I found out who she is. But almost wish I hadn't.

I listened to the audio recording a few times. Writing down any names that she mentioned. Found out her full name from a GofundMe page that her sister had set up after her son committed suicide 3 years ago. And then all her family names she mentioned fell into place.

So basically, he is drawn to her because she is "a damsel in distress." Just getting back on her feet after losing her job last year. She's like early 50s and has 3 more adult kids with grandchildren. She has so much love and support on Facebook. We probably could be friends.

Except my husband's car is over at her house right now for the past hour. Instead of coming straight home from work like normal, he stopped there.

I keep going back and forth with myself. "What if she really is just a co worker he is helping out?" But then I remember how he is acting and I feel like I missing some piece of the puzzle.

I'm just afraid they aren't really doing anything romantically and I expose and he just calls me out and tells me to leave. This is so hard.


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Did you put the recorder back in and have you checked for new conversations? And if she is truly someone he is “just helping out”, why hasn’t he told you about her?

Were you able to get spyware put on his phone?



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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A person having an affair is like an alien. Invasion of the body snatchers. Looks like your husband, but acts completely different. Also, they tend to affair down, the affair partner usualy isn't better/nicer/prettier than the spouse.
People in an affair make really dumb decisions, beware.

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I've been kinda busy with my own stuff this week. Had a few appointments to take care of. Guess he kinda noticed I was off doing stuff. On Wednesday, I got home after he returned from work. And he complimented my outfit and asked about my day. And he has been talking to me like normal the past few days. Makes me happy but wary at the same time.

I have been putting the recorder back in but they aren't riding together. He has talked with a few family members but nothing out of the ordinary. Of course, they could be talking at work.

I've tried to get into the phone a few times. He used to be a deep sleeper but now he seems to move at every little sound. Or he will be sleeping on the hand I need to unlock the phone. I get afraid he will wake up. I haven't given up on it but it's been hard.

He hasn't been over there this week or this weekend. But I'm still tracking his car. She could just be busy with something else.

We have some stuff this week to do for our daughter. I'm still keeping my eyes and ears open.


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DS:25 DD: 21
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