I think you are right in questioning whether us betrayed's can choose a partner that is trustworthy and sincere. I guess I never expected my husband to do some of the things that he has done. I thought that I could identify this in a person, as I had first hand experience the first time in marriage. I thought my current husband would never do this to me, as he explained he understood the hurt and rejection he felt when his first wife did this to him. I thought by my current's husband's actions when we were first married that he shared many of the same values, morals, and goals with me.
It hurt real bad when I discovered that he didn't measure up. But, the healing begins when I realize that this is his problem, and not mine. My standards aren't wrong, he just has had a period of time where he hasn't been able to live up to my standards.
That is his problem. Did it affect me? Absolutely. Does this mean that I made a bad choice? I am not sure. I think my husband gave me every indication that he could live up to my standards. I think I made a good choice in my husband..... But, I did not control what information that I based my decision on. So was my decision bad? No, I guess not, because he gave me all indications that he could live up to my expectations.
What was bad? hmmmm..... I think for my husband, it was that he didn't know how to be completely honest. That he thought he was worthless if I didn't think highly of him. His pride prevented him from honestly communicating that he was unhappy, that his needs weren't being met, that he was attracted to someone besides his wife. His pride and frustration and his lack of courage within himself ultimately caused this infidelity.
I don't think that my husband knowingly deceived me when he married me. I don't think he would have married me if he thought he would be going outside of our marriage for needs that he had, or thought he had. I am not hung up on that part of the betrayal.
The betrayal, was to himself. I think that yes, he betrayed his marriage, he betrayed his vows, he betrayed his expectations, he betrayed his own value. I just happened to be married to him at the time that he was doing all this self-betrayal.
I do believe that the betrayal is more about them than it is about us.
Nellie, do not doubt yourself, or your ability to trust, love, be loved or anything about yourself. You are a worthy loving person, and you are kind and honest. Do not allow your husband's betrayal to cause you to diminish who you are.
He betrayed your relationship, he betrayed himself. Do not allow him to betray YOU. You deserve so much more.