TNT,
Unfortunately, I am no longer sure that my H didn't intend to betray me when we married - I am not even sure that he didn't betray me before we married. He admits that he hasn't been honest for many years. I believe that the lack of honesty is a character trait that I probably should have recognized, but somehow completely missed.

The way he has been dealing with the kids I believe is a result of his desire not to antagonize the OW, and I think largely explains (though certainly doesn't justify) some of his inconsiderateness.

I think self-esteem has a lot to do with it for him, too. I, too, didn't have enough information to base a decision on when I married him - although in retrospect I can see that he always suffered from low self-esteem and depression, but I don't really blame myself for not knowing that there was a link between that and infidelity back when I was twenty.

The lack of honesty is what really bothers me. I really had NO idea how dishonest he was. I do remember him lying to me, but I don't think more than once in the last 25 years, until the affair began. Apparently he was lying, or at least concealing information, constantly, however.

Tina,
The tendency to look at everything as absolute is characteristic of my H as well. In the past 10 years or so, he has increasingly shown resistance to examining alternatives - there is only one solution to every problem.

Beth,

This is not an issue of expecting him to be perfect. It is not an issue of being able to forgive an affair. The part that is most difficult for me is that he gave absolutely no indication that there was anything wrong with our marriage. Even when asked directly, he would deny being upset with me. If he had needs that weren't being met, I didn't know what they were - and I still don't know. He pretended that everything was ok. I couldn't trust him even to tell me that he wasn't happy, or that there were problems in our marriage - he apparently purposely hid that information from me.