I thought H and I were making progress...he hasn't seen her in 2 months (although phone contact has not stopped, just slowed down). We've had big talks about how much he misses her, etc., but he's said things like "I'm here with you, not with her. I haven't seen her."<p>She lives 4 hrs. away. For those who haven't read my story, she is his step-cousin. <p>Well, he has decided for his days off he is going tonite and tomorrow to visit his family. Granted, he is visiting a different part of the family than hers, but they live in the same city and I think that's just an excuse to get him in the same town as her. This part of the family that he's visiting is not one that he's been super close to...they are kind of on again, off again close. In contrast, he is very close with OW's family. He is taking our D, because I have to work Fri. and our babysitter is gone. He told me that nothing will happen because OW feels too guilty now that I know about the A (what a pity for her) and because our D will be there. He is not denying that he might see her/talk to her. He doesn't seem to understand why this might upset me.<p>I don't know how to react to this. I know how I want to react, but murder is illegal (hehehe...a joke). Any advice?

bump...<p>I really need some help here...

are you and your husband practicing joint agrreement!? poja<p>I would just politely tell him you would prefer to go with him to visit his family, that at this time, you are uncomfortable with this and ask that he respect your wishes at this time. <p>Maybe in the future when you have healed some this wont be an isue. But for now, he needs to understand that it is.
I am sorry this is so stressful for you.

Dear Dani,<p>What a tough situation...but what I have learned over the last year or so...you can't worry about things you have no control over....if the situation occurs, then you will have some choices to make in how to handle it.<p>It is so hard to let go of someone else's behavior. The only one you can improve and control, is you. Work on being the best you that you can be. Fretting over what he is going to do---and that is hard when they involve your child---is pointless. You can't do anything about it. Try to go to work and concentrate on what you need to do. Hopefully, he will do what is right. If he doesn't, then you do have to establish what your boundaries will be. Does he understand your fears. Does he know how it will make you feel. Have you told him. If he does it anyway--then you have choices to make. Are you in plan A or plan B? Don't let his actions control you....you be in control. This is from someone who has learned the hard way. Good luck....Pat

dani - you know men are so thick !!! Why can't they see what they put us through? The wondering alone wether he is going to sleep with her or not is just not fair - he shouldn't even want to talk to her. Can't you get the day off and tag along?? Maybe you should tell him the wish he wouldn't go because you have been getting along so well and this will just put more stress on an already stressful situation. You want to trust him but right now you just are not comfortable with him seeing her alone ..

dani,
You've been given some very good suggestions and advice, really can't add anything of my own just wanted you to know that I valued what the others have said!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

mom of five--He knows I don't want him to go without me...he's doing it anyway. He doesn't even seem to understand why I'm upset about it.<p>I haven't told him about any of the MB stuff, because I think his reaction right now would be negative. He's not the type that believes in counseling, etc.<p>miserynmissouri--He and I discussed why this trip bothers me. He knows why. He acted like he wanted me to "force" him not to go. I told him that he was aware that I didn't want him to go, and that I'm aware that I can't control his decisions. I didn't want to do the forcing so that he could resent me for it. A lot of our marital issues from the past involve me trying to control him and him resenting me for it. I won't do it anymore. I can only control myself, and that's what I told him. I'm plan A-ing. It's been 2 months since d-day and I've been plan A-ing the whole time. I don't feel like I'm ready for plan B yet, but I don't know how long to wait before B. I feel like I'll probably have to resort to that or he's just going to fence-sit forever.

maw64 and daybreak--Thanks for the replies.<p>I thought about trying to get the day off and going, but I have a very important meeting and I also think that if I did that, it would help him continue to build this picture of me as a "control freak."<p>He is having kind of a hard time with the fact that I have realized I can't control him. He wants to have that negative image of me, but I have fully realized that I'm only in control of me, and I won't try to control anyone else anymore. I think it's blowing his mind :-)<p>He even told me, when I told him that this trip bothers me cuz they might see each other, that I could just call OW and talk to her about my worries. He said "That would guarantee that nothing happens." You know, cuz OW feels SOOO guilty and bad for f***ing up my life. And I said that I didn't want to talk to her and that I couldn't control her any more than I could him and that I didn't want to. That they would have to make their own choices based on what they knew to be right, because I was done choosing for other people. When I got done saying that, he had this total slack-jawed surprised look on his face. I think he still expects me to call her...well, I won't.

Good for you dani, now stay with that and do not call her. You've learned some lessons that it takes many of us a lifetime to learn and that is that we cannot control what those around us do, we can only react to what their behaviour is, and we need to chose carefully how it is that we react!!!<p>You have gained some wonderful insight!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dawn--Thanks for helping me feel good about what I'm doing. I know it's the right thing, but it's very hard to do the right thing sometimes.<p>It would be easy to fall back into old patterns of begging, pleading, acting self-righteous, sending others on guilt trips in order to "control" what they did. But that's not right for them or me, and I know I can't do it anymore.<p>Thanks for affirming my decision...it makes me feel better :-)

BTW, how would be a good way to act when he's leaving today to go on this "trip?" My D doesn't know that anything bad's going on, she's too young (5), and all she knows about OW is that she's family and she loves her and is very attached to her as well as the whole family.<p>So I know I will hug/kiss her, tell her I love her and to have fun and tell everyone hi. How should I act toward H? Any ideas?

Good job Dani,<p>You are way ahead of me and where I was during the start of this mess...it is so very difficult though.<p>I think you are doing the right thing. Hang in there. Pat

I just want to say that I think I'd be in a straightjacket if I hadn't found this board. I hope everyone knows how much I appreciate the help/advice/listening.<p>When I logged on this morning, I was a nervous wreck, and I feel better now. THANKS!!

dani,<p>I would, know remember this is what I wou ld probably do, I am not saying for you to do this.<p>I would give him a hug and kiss, remind him that I love him and daughter and that I will be praying for there safe travel that the Lord will bring them safely home to me. Then I would step back, if he grabs hold for dear life I'll stay in the embrace, but step back when he lets go then.<p>I hate to give directed advice and then if someone follows it and it doesn't work for them, I don't want them blaming me, so that is why I say this is what I would do. OK!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dawn,<p>This is pretty close to what I was planning to do. I want to hug him/tell him I love him before he leaves, but I do not want to come off as clingy. I refuse to cry, and I will not prolong the embrace unless he does. <p>I was hoping someone would tell me to go ahead and hug him/ tell him I love him before he goes, cuz I really do think I should do that...

You should.<p>My H and I always hugged and kissed when either of us left the house, my thought had always been that it might just be the last time I get to do that.<p>My WH continued the practice even after he informed me that he wanted a divorce and I went along with it for awhile a couple of months at least. And then one day I just blurted out "why do you insist on doing this when you tell me that you don't love me anymore" He said "it's habitat I guess" (it was a good habitat)but it was to painful for me and I asked him to stop, and that was over a year ago and I have regretted it ever since. He does usually give me a hug hello when he comes to see the kids, didn't the last time as I wasn't home.<p>I do however silently say that I love you everytime that he leaves, this last time it was a whisper and I believe that he heard me.<p>So give that hug, and don't cling!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]