Dear 2long,

How come my posts always post twice - I must have a 2punch mouse!

I agree with Pepper - go now.

LIR

I know you want your life back ... Your W wants her life back too, ya know ... her double life. No way Jose'.

You are not sparking with all your plugs right now 2Long...

Spacecase is able to think clearly right now ... you are not. Space can present a calm face to his W right now. You will fall apart if you have a pizza and TV with her ... and then have to leave her again. I am worried your heart would break even more. You want to be ready to do this work with all faculties functional, doncha? Well ... you are in no shape to go toe-to-toe with your W right now. Pull yourself together. Get all your neurons firin' again ... and this will seem clearer to you.

pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Well, this forum is for us to be open and honest with each other, right?

I crashed and burned. Not my W.

I started to write a long rationalized reason for why I'm here, but the fact is that I fell apart and I came to the one person that I thought would show me some compassion. And I think she is being compassionate in her own foggy/selfish way.

I'm rambling. I failed, bottom line. I feel like crap, but at least I've stopped crying. Only took 8 hours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Now I just want to run away.

One of the things we did talk about was how things got worse when Rat Meat started talking about the research opportunity about a month ago. My W agreed that that was about the time it got worse. IShe said, though, that "that's not likely to happen" sounding like she could at least see how ludicrous the idea sounds.

I don't know. Do I stay here, for the sake of consistency, at least until I talk to Steve and my IC's late next week? Or do I go bak to the guest house? ( or have I screwed that up permanently?)

Not doing particuarly well. When this second screening of Farscape is over (a WEIRD one) I'll go back to bed. Came out here because she's tired and I didn't want to disturb her tossing around. And to post this. As ashamed as I feel right now.

*sigh*

Its alright 2long... you are human, you were cracking, you cracked. What is done is done, why even bother worrying about it, really.

Just a question... do you feel better now? Have you accomplished anything good? If you have at least it served for something, if not it's ok anyways. Nothing really lost of accomplished. You can always re-start. Go to the guest house if you can, stay if you can stand the consequences.

Remember it is your call.

I was watching the show and in the end my husband and I thought of you.

You need to get used to not having her as your net, she has issues of her own, you need to be strong on your own 2long. If you are not, there is no real hope.

Don't beat yourself over the head, you gave it a honest try, you faced your demonds and well... didn't turn out right.

Common, tomorrow it will be a new day. Do what YOU believe is right for YOU. Your wife is out of the matter now, you need to rest, regroup and feel better. You cannot continue like this.

((((((Hugs))))))

2Long,

Checkin in on the saga and it is growing into a mini series!!!

Dr Pepper and the rest of the gang are right. You need 2 slo down. Get some rest. Inhales some of that oil aroma stuff. Camamille, lavendar and the other stuff.

If you get a chance check out Redhat's sig line. He has a thread about the 5 stages of grieving. My other computer is locked up so I don't have that thread handy but find it and read it. Then you will see that you are going through some of those stages with bouts of anxiety and depression. The meds will help but you do need to let go a bit. Easy to say but hard to do.

Never mind where the Ws spends her thinking moments. Worry about 2Long's time and where he spends his thinking moments.

take care,
L.

Do NOT beat yourself up... Save your strength. I've said it before: I don't think there's any one fatal move, when dealing with someone who does clearly love you, but is very fogged in.

Do whatever you need to regain some strength.

But be aware that the road doesn't get any easier!

I think in many ways, you aren't ready for Plan B... Plan B is usually entered into when your love bank is dangerously low... you obviously aren't quite there... but maybe with some meds, your perspectives on that will change a bit, and you'll be able to pull off a strong Plan B. Or maybe there's another path that makes sense for you... I don't know. I do feel for you... I know what the pain is about. And I know it does get better with time, but only through looking at things in different ways.

Get some rest... and don't worry... you're not a failure by any stretch! This is still early! (sorry!)

Hey 2long - sorry you are having such a rough time. I also got anti-anxiety meds (Klonopin) - it really helped, still taking it. Helps you sleep, too.

Take care, hope you feel better soon.

-JG

(((((((((((((((((2long))))))))))))))))))

We are all still here for you. Don't feel bad because you did what you had to do. I get the feeling if you hadn't you would always be wondering about if.....

Now, be strong, friend, because it isn't over yet, and I know you know that. Just remember we are here, looking in and looking out for you.

And whatever you do, we care, okay?

Love and light,

jacky

I hope you will keep reading Passionate Marriage. I think you'll see some explanations for why she is the one person who can pull you out of your panic. Mostly because, as of yet, you can't. I hope it's in your plans to work on YOU in that area...because it is vital to fixing your marriage.

First fix you...then fix marriage. I don't think you can do it the other way around. I know we couldn't.

Interestingly enough...when I read that you went back and your panic ceased...I remembered how many times of attempted no contact went for OM and I. Much like that. Felt like someone else had one of my lungs. You can atleast say that you're married to your "drug of choice"...it's easier to justify remaining emotionally fused...but in the end, it's no healthier.

JR is RIGHT, though...NOTHING you do is fatal at this point, or quite frankly at any other...so don't sweat it. It just prolongs everything. This has probably set back any progress you made...but now you can work on gaining personal strength so that if it comes to this in the future again...you'll be stronger, and ready for it. So please do go get the meds...please do keep reading the book. Steve should hold some good advice for you when you talk to him too.

(((((((hugs))))))) You WILL MAKE IT!!!

Hi everybody.

Still pretty down, but nothing like yesterday. That freaked me out, or I wouldn't have called my W. Ended up at Sunset, cause the facility near here doesn't have urgent care.

Well, it is nice to know that I can count on there being help HERE, and from Steve when I talk to him. It'll take me a while to recoup and get over feeling so ashamed of myself for coming home.

I plan to keep reading. I don't want to give up on ME or my family, but it's really hard not to want to give up NOW on my W.

She was okay last night, more of a shoulder to cry on and someone to hug than someone really truly willing to help with the hurting. It was a strange sensation. Still is. But by coming back and seeing her and knowing that even now she's just gotten herself busy again so that she doesn't have to face what she's done to herself and all of us, well, it's been enlightening to say the least.

I took my son flying his plane this morning. That was good. But I'm still exhausted and so I took a 2 hour nap when I got back. Feeling pretty numb about the whole thing, and don't know quite yet what I'm going to do - probably 2long activities. And since I dont' HAVE TO avoid the W, I think I will work in my garage on my Model A or something. Nothing strenuous, just a litte reorganizing for now.

I think it was true that I hadn't prepared myself sufficiently for plan B, but I think her behavior certainly calls for it at some point unless she can start to wake up before I am ready to try again. I will work on detaching for now. I won't stop the reading, I promise. I like the way PM is written - I find things in there I never thought of that seem to make sense. SAA I might pick up again at some point, but what I was reading the other night just reiterated what I already know - my W is still having an EA and it needs to stop... ...stuff that SHE will have to realize on her own if SHE wants to save this M.

Okay, signing off for now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>Okay, this is a VENT. A VENT. Don't shoot me!

Actually, I do have to ask about the last point I make with this vent. Do I tell my W about the interview? I'm not sure I'd take the job one way or another, but I'd hate for her to find out that I'm off to an interview without telling her about it.

W: How can it be a union when you make the important decisions without me?

2long: I would agree that we both need to be involved in all our important decisions.

I would be willing to talk to you about possibly buying the rental house at some point after we know what the settlement on the house is going to be.

I would very much love to talk to you about my leaving last Friday, if you would like to talk about it. I agree that it would be fair to you to do that.

I also need to hear what your plans are regarding permanently ending your relationship with Rat Meat. Your decision to continue to have a relationship with him after I found out about your affair in January has been disrespectful and very hurtful, and made without my agreement. You know that I do not condone it. Please end it so that we can begin repairing our M, and I will come home.

***** emailed me yesterday to say that I am a finalist for one of the jobs at *****, and wants me to come out in August for an interview. My relationship to you and our family is far more important to me than any job or any change in location. If I get offered the job, my answer will be simple: If my family wants to go, we consider it and discuss it. If my family doesn't want to go, I will turn down the offer.

love,
-2long.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2L;
I agree you have to tell her about the interview. It may be a good chance to HAMMER HOME the concept of POJA WITHOUT even mentioning the A or OM.

"I've been offered the job at xxx, and asked to come for an interview in August. Since I don't want to make important decisions without your agreement, I will interview and let them know that before I accept I must have the agreement of my W and kids"

Don't need to say anything else.

As for the rest of the stuff; TALK to steve about them. He'll help you decide what you should address, when, and how.

I was going to post a lengthy update, but decided against it.

Basically, I think I needed more preparation than I had before going to plan B when I did (sort of). But SC pointed out that my leaving wasn't wasted by my coming home when and how I did Friday. He made me realize that my leaving and my emails to my W did have a noticable impact on her thinking.

Last night, I had trouble sleeping (going to have to take the prozac in the morning!), and a couple of times when I woke up I could hear my W crying to herself. Once, I thought she moved over for a hug, but I may have dreamed that. We did hold hands a couple of times, though, which was nice. Before going to sleep, she asked me to read to her (nothing heavy, a novel), which we used to do a lot. it was nice to do that again. Haven't done any reading like that since a few weeks after D-day (when she was trying to get me distracted from my worries - I guess now it's her turn!).

I worked in my garage all weekend, which was good for me. Got the Ford "exposed" so I can start working on it again after all these years. That will help me keep my mind off our M problems, at least somewhat.

Toodles,

Try and have some fun 2Long ... find that inner child of yours and show him a good time.

We all care for you and will be here (if MB doesn;t break down again, that is!)

Baby steps ... and a little falling down every now and then is expected ... you're a really nice, smart, loving man ... and you will get through this.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thanks Pepper!

P.S. Prozac works pretty fast ... but expect some weird dreams for awhile. It changes the REM sleep cycle and you "go deeper", ... and the vividness of the dreams can be ... interesting !

Pep

You're doing fine, 2L; Just do your best Plan A for a couple of more days, and then I assure you, when you speak with Steve you will begin to see changes in you immediately.

Then you will complement an excellent Plan A with the best guidance available. Have faith! It'll work out!

2L,

I have been reading along and really haven't had much to offer. You have been getting good advice from all Dr. Pepper (DP in our house <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), 1step, and many others.

Just some observations:

1. You NEVER fail when you go home. You did the right thing 2L. You left in a hurry when you were triggered, there was no plan to stay away any given time. And frankly you did exactly the right thing. The very thing that is preached here ad nausem, Confide in your spouse, let them help you, and be honest with them... You did exactly that.

2. You are not ready for Plan B, you need to be stronger, and more settled.

3. You are seeing ( your story about your W) that this isn't a walk in the park for her. You realize how hard it was for you to stay away and not contact her? Well, she is fighting the same thing. She doesn't want to be away from you, AND she also has to address her "friendshp" of over 12 years with OM. As you now know, that while it is crucial that she end contact, it isn't that easy.

4. You need to discuss this job opportunity with your W. You don't have to take her advice, but you need to discuss it with her. I would NOT say to her that she has veto power over this decision. She does NOT. However, I would tell her that a MAJOR factor in taking the position if it is offered, is what SHE thinks and what she would be willing to do. Don't paint yourself into a corner here. She may decide the OM is too important for her to give up, and you don't want to turn down a dream job for a W that is in love with a dream. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

5. I will repeat what ALL have told you, CALM DOWN. And your response is: I AM CALM!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2L, this is like a marathon, you cannot win the race by burning yourself out in the early going, and you are in the early going. You have many things going for you. Your D knows about all of this and supports your position. Your MIL knows and will at least listen to you and discuss things from HER perspective. Your W realizes many things but she has some personal issues to overcome in addition to addiction to OM. 2L there are many positive things here, and you need to let them work for you, by standing back and letting them happen. You cannot force the issue here.

Hang in there big guy, you can do this.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL.

I have some things I want to reply to your post, but I've got to run to lunch or die trying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm doing better today than over the whole weekend. Feeling a lot better about falling back and regrouping.

More later.