JL:
"The very thing that is preached here ad nausem, Confide in your spouse, let them help you, and be honest with them... You did exactly that."
This is certainly what I intended to do, it just didn't feel like I was very successful. I had to get out because we were LBing each other so cruelly (at least it felt like she was to me, and I have to recognize that she felt I was to her), even when trying to be loving, that I didn't see any progress could be made. Now, however, I see that some things were accomplished by staying away for that week.
"You are not ready for Plan B, you need to be stronger, and more settled."
I also need coaching from the source, and it will probably require this first visit to introduce the problem.
"You are seeing ( your story about your W) that this isn't a walk in the park for her. You realize how hard it was for you to stay away and not contact her? Well, she is fighting the same thing. She doesn't want to be away from you, AND she also has to address her "friendshp" of over 12 years with OM. As you now know, that while it is crucial that she end contact, it isn't that easy."
Yep. I haven't forgotten your lesson on "simple" and "easy."
"You need to discuss this job opportunity with your W. You don't have to take her advice, but you need to discuss it with her. I would NOT say to her that she has veto power over this decision. She does NOT. However, I would tell her that a MAJOR factor in taking the position if it is offered, is what SHE thinks and what she would be willing to do. Don't paint yourself into a corner here. She may decide the OM is too important for her to give up, and you don't want to turn down a dream job for a W that is in love with a dream."
I did say that what my family wants is a big factor in whether I accept an offer if it comes. Even my D, who is 23 now, wants to come back and live in the house for a while (paying rent, of course!), and both my kids would like us to keep the house in the family. I find it interesting that my W talks about even the move out of state as including all of us, so "we" are together in that projection, at least. What I don't know is whether she still thinks that she can "negotiate" me into accepting RM as a friend at some point. I won't.
"I will repeat what ALL have told you, CALM DOWN. And your response is: I AM CALM!!!!!"
Yeah, I know. But DAMMIT, I AM CALM!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
"2L, this is like a marathon, you cannot win the race by burning yourself out in the early going, and you are in the early going."
I hate it when people tell me this, but it's true.
"You have many things going for you. Your D knows about all of this and supports your position. Your MIL knows and will at least listen to you and discuss things from HER perspective."
My SIL knows, too. She guessed a week or two ago. Now MIL has confirmed. Also, MIL told my BIL and his W, so they know. And, I told my sister. And you know what? ALL of them love my W and want to see us work things out.
"Your W realizes many things but she has some personal issues to overcome in addition to addiction to OM."
I just hope that Steve can entice her into participating in the Cing with him. I know far too little about the progress my W is or isn't making with her IC, and that causes me to make the wrong conclusions about where we're at.
"2L there are many positive things here, and you need to let them work for you, by standing back and letting them happen. You cannot force the issue here."
Thanks for the reminder. I do need to step back from the problem a bit. I'd rather contribute to the solution than inadvertently exacerbate the problem.
"Hang in there big guy, you can do this."
I'll try. After all, it's the only thing TO do!
