I'm feeling very sorry for myself the last few days. Many more crying spells than recently. I knew I could come here and get support that no one else can give me right now.
It's been a long weekend. The kids went to a work party with the WS ( and where the OW works) on Friday. It really put me on edge to think that she was there with him and our children.
Yesterday they had another great day together - at his "neat apartment" as my son said "with a great new stereo, TV, etc. etc."
They came home from a local festival with a goldfish. Yet another creature for me to take care of. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I said, "The fish would be great for Dad's apt- it can keep him company!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I did spend the day with a close friend and her daughters- but it sure us hard for me to try to have fun.
Why is it that the WS gets the life with the new toys, fun-filled days with the kids and gets out of being up at night or having to ever say no?
He seems so happy to be living like this-and that also drives a stake thru my already swiss- cheesed heart.
I still do my best to keep to limited pleasant contact, but in general I feel pretty hopeless. We are not moving forward even a tiny tiny baby step.
Oh well, I do feel better for getting all of this off my chest. Thanks for being there!

PB;

Sorry you're going through this...have you thought of anti-depressants? They really help reduce these edgy feelings.

As for his great new lifestyle, take heart, it isn't real and it will not last; reality has a way of permeating those fantasies.

Stay stong! Take care of yourself and your children. You can show them there are more important things in life than new toys.

My WH and I do not have children, but I am going to try to offer my experience as a child of divorce. (My father had an affair)

My parents divorced when I was 12 years old, my mother being 37, father age 38.

When my parents first separated, my mother had custody of me with visitation rights every weekend with my father. My father had went and bought new toys too and that side of the family was always buying me things, including the OW. I realized later that these are signs of guilt, they cannot offer full family support because the family has been violated. Sometimes I felt like I was in a tug of war with my parents. My father almost wanting to entice me back.

Buying gifts and toys does not take the place of the full love you can offer your children. If you can't afford to buy new toys and electronics for your children, you can always offer the full gift of love. They may not realize that now, since they are young, but they will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear spacecase,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have been reading your posts and know that you are also going thru a very difficult time right now.
I was on antidepressants for a few weeks after Dday because I really wasn't functioning too well. These past few days have been tough- but still better than I have been thru. If things get worse or persist, I definitely will consider going back on them.
The little venting I did today really did make me feel better- there is something about the support I get here that helps me in a way my wonderful "local" support can't help me.

And to you, dear going_crazy:
Your touching insights brought tears to my eyes. The one thing that I am certain of is the strong bond that I have with my children. They know that I will always be there for them, and I don't feel the need to start some bidding war with my H to try to buy their affection. I know I already have their love - it's my most precious treasure.
I don't know what this path holds for me, but I'm grateful for all that I still have-including support from you and spacecase and everyone else here....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pb511:
[QBThe one thing that I am certain of is the strong bond that I have with my children. They know that I will always be there for them, and I don't feel the need to start some bidding war with my H to try to buy their affection. I know I already have their love - it's my most precious treasure.
[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep it up, sounds like you are a wonderful loving mother, there's nothing more harmful to a child then to get "thrown in the middle of the mess".

PB-
I can really relate to your frustation. My WH is doing the same thing-big screen tv, every weekend something new, etc. I don't even have cable. However, I did talk to WH about him being the "party dad" and my concerns about how that effects my relationship with the kids. The other day I heard he had been yelling at them lots and asked him about it (unlike him). He said he was trying to enforce discipline and structure at his house so he wouldn't always be the fun guy. I actually think he was trying. Have you talked to your WH? My WH has a roommate who also has his kids on the same weekends. Convenient, huh? So, they help each other (our kids are the same age; his friend was a mutual friend of ours who left his wife too). My WH is never alone and tired.
It would bother me that the kids were at a party with OW but as Going Crazy said, kids get it as they get older. My parents were divorced and as I got older I realized my mom had to pay for the boring things but things I needed. So, I do know the kids will realize how great we are someday but it is still frustrating.
I hope you have a better evening!
-CS

To going_crazy,
Thanks for the positive reinforcement. Today was a better day- I really think that I am more stressed when the children are away as much as they were over the past 2 days. We had a great "do nothing " summer kind of day-started with church and breakfast at a local diner and ended it hanging out with the neighbors. I do feel so much calmer.
Dear can't sleep,
My H is still not talking to me other than superficial formalities around the children. I also admit that I'm afraid to say anything about how he's been acting with them since everything I say to him at this point he takes negatively. I wish I could get thru this wall he has around him.
I've been trying to think of "I" statements about this that aren't critical. Any suggestions?
I wish you wouldn't spoil the children......
I wish you weren't spending all that money......
I wish you weren't trying to buy their affection...
??????????????????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pb511:
<strong>I've been trying to think of "I" statements about this that aren't critical. Any suggestions?
I wish you wouldn't spoil the children......
I wish you weren't spending all that money......
I wish you weren't trying to buy their affection.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The "I" is a good way to start, but any time you put a "you wouldn't/weren't" can be seen as a demand to them, and be seen as disrespectful. In my opinion, when someone says "I wish you wouldn't" that really means "You Shouldn't".

the best way I have found to approach a conversation in a nonaccusatory approach is "I feel".

Maybe this: "I feel as if our children are becoming accustomed to a different type of lifestyle they're not accustomed to and find it exciting. I hope we don't spoil them",

I know theres a better way of saying that , but make sure to use "I feel" statements

Dear GC,
Those are great ideas- much less negative/threatening. thanks for the ssistance.
I feel much better today overall.......

PB-
Admittedly, alot of my concerns were related to WH in fits of anger during the first three months-I don't recommend it. It is only now-since things have calmed down-that I feel like he heard it. However, I have had to talk to him recently about other parenting issues and I found the sandwhich method works pretty well. "Good, bad, Good"
Ie. "Thanks so much for watching the kids while I went to the orientation. Did the kids get to bed on time? I've been concerned about how tired they seem. They really enjoy spending time with you..thanks again."
I think GOing Crazy is right..I statements are the best without you in them. It's a toughie! I'll let you know when I get it right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .
Take care of yourself,
-CS