I don't know how many of you are familiar with my story but I am fed up with hearing messages from the OM on my W's voicemail. I have gotten his email address and I am thinking about sending him an email. I have added the note below. Should I do this? Has anyone else contacted the OP?

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Yes, I know who you are.

I just want to ask you one question, what kind of a man are you? Not much of one obviously. You are pursuing a married woman who is 8 months pregnant. You must be one low life son-of-a-***** to try to break up a marriage and a family. If you have your way my son will be forced to grow up in a broken home, never knowing what a true family is. But what do you care; you are obviously only thinking of yourself, endangering my sons life by exposing my wife to an STD. Jamie said that you are such a nice guy, but I think we both know what kind of a guy you really are. Aren’t there plenty of single women for you to pursue with out you trying to break up a family?

Why don’t you do the honorable thing, if there is any honor left in you, and leave my wife and family alone. My son at least deserves a shot at having an intact family.

May God have mercy on your soul, I won’t!

Joe:

I know how tempting it is to send an email to the OP or the OP's spouse. I've wanted to do it many, many times. But I've always been 'talked down' by cooler heads on this forum. You take a risk of driving your W to his defense, if he shows her what you wrote.

Think of it like a coin toss. If you toss a coin, you could either win or lose the toss. But if you don't toss it, you're refusing to play the game. By refusing to play, you retain the greatest control of the situation.

Most people on this forum would advise you not to contact the OP, and MB advises against it. You might ask those who HAVE contacted the OP whether it did them any good. One that comes to mind is J.R. He confronted his W's OM in person. It seemed to go well, from his viewpoint, and it shook up the A a bit. But it certainly didn't end it. Eventually that A ended, but she started another one that she's apparently now still having.

The best thing you can do is work on yourself, and how you present yourself around your W. I know it's a lot easier said than done, to be positive around your W in the midst of an A. I did a lousy job of plan A for at least 6 months after D-day, and My W's A was already winding down by the time I found out about it, so it's not as hellaceous a situation as the one you're in.

Ultimately, the decision to contact the OM or not is yours. I hope that you get some more feedback before you do, though.

Please take care,
-Qfwfq

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: T-zero ]</small>

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

just to share my experience on this subject. I sent OM a mail, similarly worded, maybe even stronger (basically telling him one day I'll meet him in a dark alley).
he surely got scared. but did he desist from contacting my wife? no, it didnt. maybe even worse - it awoke some motherly instinct in WW wanting to protect *him*.
So bottom line: whilst satisying my gut feel for (at least some sort of) revenge, it didn't achieve anything. but: I cant deny that it felt good. and it will feel good, should I meet him in that dark alley one day!

Joe, we never heard back from you on the prospects that this may not be your baby. If I missed some news, I apologize for bringing it up again.

I'm an advocate of contacting OPs and OP's spouses, but not in this manner. Your message, while very justified, may do more harm than good. This guy is pond scum, period. Do you think you can reason with pond scum?

Don't get me wrong, your anger and reactions are very, very understandable. This is a mess worse than most stories you'll read here.

I suggest that if you have to contact OM, you send him a message just stating that you love your wife and want to rebuild your relationship and have no intention of divorcing her. The sole purpose of this is to contradict what she has likely told him. If you rant and rave, it distracts from this basic statement of fact and gives both he and your wife ammunition to ridicule you.

The other piece of pertinent info is who the father is. She has likely told OM that he is. If you know for sure that you are, this could also be in your message to him. But how you know this, if you do, cannot be absolute at this time, right?

WAT

I have not found out for sure that the child is mine. I feel sure that he is but I am going to have this tested once he is born (6 weeks)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Broken_Joe:
<strong>WAT

I have not found out for sure that the child is mine. I feel sure that he is but I am going to have this tested once he is born (6 weeks)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Broken_Joe,
if you are not 100% sure, and it sounds like you are not, do not sign the birth certificate until you have the tests done. It sounds cold, but if the child is not yours, it could protect you down the road.
Michael

Broken_Joe-

I say go ahead and send the letter. Just be sure that there is NO threats involved as it could be forwarded to the police with a harrasment complaint attached to it.....

When I was in FOG LAND, my X sent an email. Yes, it drove me further away from HIM for a little while, but you know what, it also hit where it hurt the most. OP felt VERY guilty for breaking up a family, and I felt guilty for hurting X. The words that were written slowly ate away at the FOG, and reached that part of me that was buried way deep underneath the anger. It reached the place where my morality lie dormant.

I know it effected OP the same because to this day I believe he has a print out of that letter. When I was still in contact with him, I knew he read it from time to time.....

Just wanted to give you a WP point of view...

Joe

I am going to reiterate what Michael has said to you, even if the baby looks like you DO NOT sign the birth certificate or any forms that arrive ( proof of parenthood..child support angencys will try anything)after the babys birth until you have the DNA results.

I am sorry to be blunt and I know it will be hard, we are infact doing a dna as soon as the kit arrives at our gps ( hopefully this week), on a child my son has been named father of. He was near conned, threatened and talked into signing the next 18 yrs of his financial life away by CSA.

If the child is his , so be it ( the baby is beautiful) if not, then it will be the best $850 we have ever spent.

Take care.

Kily and WAT:

Maybe it's the meddler in me that is curious, but: Could/would either of you elaborate on what such a letter might say? WAT, did you send such a letter?

I may not need to send one, but the EA between my W and RM is definitely not over, in my view (and remember, SH has defined an A as "what your spouse thinks it is"). I may be able to rebuild my M without my W ever going back into counseling (I'm sure that at this point she'd prefer it that way), but the chances of the A reigniting still bother me (though she just turned 48 and swears that she doesn't want that kind of R anymore). So, though I continue to want, at times, to email RM, I won't do so unless what I say can be constructive to our M, not drive her to protect his sorry @$$ of an OM...

-Qfwfq

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: T-zero ]</small>

T-zero - I think Kily put it very well and she related actual experience. A seed was planted that later sprouted, it sounds like. This is in addition to my simple point of spreading the truth.

No, I didn't send such a letter because I was already very well acquainted with OM and, thus, he already knew his newfound soulmate was married, I wanted to salvage the marriage, etc. I did send him a copy of my Plan B letter. In hindsight, I think I should have communicated with him more in the early stages to contradict the lies he was hearing from my wife - not that he would have believed me. He didn't believe the one thing I denied to his face - that I had hid money that could have otherwise been used on my dying child's medical treatment. If any organism could possibly believe that, they's believe anything.

WAT

I sent the following...
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So you like my wife so much that you are willing to **** up her life? I hope you enjoyed sleeping with her enough to help her through losing everything in her life including her daughter because I'll be damned if she will take Katie with her.

You can count on one thing from me Tyrone, I will return the favor. You WILL meet me and when you do you will NOT like me much!
-------------------------

Did it make me feel better? YOU BETCHA! Was it vendictive? YOU BETCHA! The idiot had used his corporate email account to contact my W so when I sent it, I sent it to his entire company. The response was actually kinda fun. His boss took notice of it immediatly and the contact between my W and the OM stopped as soon as I sent the email.

Would I recommend sending an email? That depends on your situation. I would think carefully about it but I certainly have no regrets.

T-Z,

I don't recall the exact wording. I would be tempted to ask X if he saved a copy, but at this point I would probably make him angry at such a request....

I do recall that the following was conveyed:

Hey [censored],

Then statements like:

I hope that you can look at the person that you are with and realize that your involvement in her life has completely devastated a family.

I hope that YOU really LOVE her and aren't just toying around with her because she deserves to be with someone that loves her.

You are a homewrecker. I hope that someday you have children of your own and recognize how much damage you have done to them, me, and her.

I hope that you look in the mirror and see what you really are, a spineless shell of a man that has to have someone elses love to play with because he is too desperate to find a real relationship to be in.

Then there were a few: I hate you, I wish you would die, etc.

Interestingly, he also sent ME an emailed letter at a different time that hit me pretty hard.

This letter stated something like:

For someone who is really attractive and beautiful on the outside, you sure are ugly on the inside. I can't believe that I never saw this in you. It disgusts me that I give my love to you and you throw me and the kids away like we were garbage.....

Yes, it HURT to read those words, and it opushed me further into my retreat....but, they were seeds.

Kily:

Well, none of those letters was particularly MBish. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In the end, I hope I never have to contact him. I'd rather he disappeared forever, and I told my W that.

On the other hand, if I do ever have to contact him again (I've talked to him on the phone, years ago before D-day. He seemed uncomfortable talking to me, and I didn't know why at the time...), I know his work phone and email address, as well as his employer's and everybody else where he works. I wouldn't write a "nasty" email, I would probably take the approach that WAT recommends and indicate in no uncertain terms that I want my M and I won't give up easily.

...I would probably call him a worthless turd in a cesspool, too, but that wouldn't be the body of the message!

-Qfwfq

Broken,
I wrote the OW a letter after I found out...and before I found this place <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Did it make me feel better? You betcha! Did it work? Nope. She contacted my H right after reading it. I followed thru on my threats tho. Spilled the beans to her H AND boss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~OW,

stop contacting my husband. he is trying to get over the mistake he made and you keep bringing it fresh to his mind. he is deeply ashamed of you. you knew exactly what you were doing when you did what you did. you have lied to him, and manipulated him enough. i have contacted your work regarding the calls to him at work. i will not stop untill you LEAVE HIM ALONE. he has 3 children and a wife. his daughter has told her school she wants to kill herself because of YOU. i truly hope that makes you feel special. you are nothing but a tramp and a whore and not even close to being good enough for my H to spit on let alone leave his children for. make sure you realize one thing....if he continues to hear from you in ANY way, shape or form, i will be in touch with a lawyer. the harrassment from you will stop. my husband has told me EVERYTHING about you and i can't believe he was gullibel enough to fall for your lies. i have enough information from him to crucify you. you might consider your son in all of this. your behavior has made you appear to be an unfit mother. does your ex-husband know you have been taking married men to bed with your little boy there? maybe you need to think about the consequenses of what your doing. My H has lost his sister because of YOU and her part in his deception. he almost lost his children forever. i love my husband and i am doing my best to get him over his shame and guilt. he has told me he hates himself for what he's done to me and our kids. how does THAT make YOU feel? you have played him for too long knowing he's very soft-hearted, now HE has to live with himself knowing that our kids know what he did with a slut. and i have to get more tests done thanks to you...one of the tests came back positive for disease. find your own man......one that ISN'T married with kids. i realize you're desperate and grasping, but God help you if you EVER contact My H again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thats the letter I sent......Everything in it was approved by my H. He ok'd me sending it. He told me "if it will make you feel better to send it, go ahead. i know it will never make up to you the pain i inflicted"
We are well on the road to recovery. The letter helped me get to this point, i think. I needed to speak my piece since she was to cowardly to face me, this was the only outlet i had.

Bottom line is "different strokes for different folks" You gotta do what will help YOU!!!
Best of luck and God bless

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I thought I would give everyone an update. I sent the OM an email (I toned down the language some) basically asking him how he could live with himself knowing that he is breaking up a family. I told him that I love my wife and son with all of my heart and that I do not want to loose either one of them. At the end I asked him to do the honorable thing and leave my wife and family alone.

He wrote me back last night and said "I am not pursuing anyone. You are right, OK."

I am sure he talked to my wife last night (she said she was going to call him in her email). I checked our email account and she had deleted his message (I had hidden it in another folder), she also changed all of her passwords (voicemail, phone, etc). To tell you the truth I am not expecting her to be at home when I get there.

Maybe a seed was planted and maybe not. Either way I am still going to the lawyer. Fog or not, I cannot/will not be treated this way.

Broken_Joe -

I hope that the seeds take root. The fact that you received a response to me says something. My X never was acknowledged by OM.

WWIII might break out for a while, but eventually the dust will settle. Hopefully the shake-up will do some good.