Its been a while since my last post, as a recap, I have finally been able to accept all that has happened, put it behind me and am looking forward to moving on with my life sans WW. I still live at home with WW, but am putting the final touches on a couple of rooms in the basement and plan on moving in there shortly. Its an awkward situation, but for financial reason, works for both of us. I dont anticipate being able to move out and get my own place for at least 1, maybe 2 years, so this looks like it could be a long term thing. I wont move out until I can buy a house/townhome with at least 2 bedrooms. Having 4 kids in a 1 bedroom apt is just not fair to them (or the neighbors)

OK, seems like it could work, something I could live with. But, in the last few weeks, WW has told me on 2 occasions that she wants to make an effort at getting back together. But, on both of these occasions, she had been out with friends and was drinking (once very intoxicated, the other just a little tipsy). The first time, she wanted me to come to bed with her and hold her for the night. I did, but honestly, I didnt feel anything, it just wasnt there. The second time was the same thing, but I told her I couldnt, that I just didnt feel that way towards her anymore. She said "I have pushed you away completely, havent I?" I told her that was part of it, but that I have changed a lot in the last year and dont know if I can come back.

Is she sincere about this? Do her actions back it up? I dont really know, but I have noticed that she is a lot friendlier and more appreciative towards me. Since she had been drinking when she told me about wanting to get back together, I have to dismiss a lot of her intentions on the alcohol factor. My total lack of any kind of strong feelings towards her tells me that it isnt there anymore. Maybe I can relearn to love her, but that is something I can't do anymore, I just dont feel I have it in me.

I am fine with where I am now. I have forgiven WW and myself for all the mistakes we have made, all the things we have done to hurt each other. Living together is awkward, but we do have separate lives now. WW is working now, really enjoys it, and it looks like the job and company she is with has a lot of potential for her. I would like her to get herself emotionally healthy (remember all the suicide attempts and other problems?), financially independent and get reconnected with the kids. Hopefully living at home will help her accomplish these goals. I do care about her still, and in a way, feel a little obligated to help her out.

So why am I telling you all of this. I guess I am just confused about the whole thing. Why after all this time does she finally tell me this stuff. I have finally come to grips with everything and have started to get on with my life. Maybe she has finally seen the light and sees me moving on without her. She is no longer romantically involved with OM, but I know she still talks to him, and I know there have been other men in her life recently, just not sure how involved she got with them.

I feel it is just too late for us. Maybe it could work out, but not without a lot of hard work from both of us and a lot of reliving painful memories. I cant do that, dont have the strength for it, nor do I really want to. Do I 'owe' WW or my kids the opportunity to at least try? I can walk away from this right now knowing I did everything I could and not feel too much guilt over it.

So that is where I am at. Suggestions, comments?

Thanx all.

LHS,

If you really feel this way, file for divorce and end the marriage if not the living arrangements. Then when she dates other men, she won't or cannot introduce you as her H. Your really aren't anymore are you?

Time to make what you feel official. It will help the kids because I am sure it confuses them to see mom dating and Dad still there as her H.

Something to think about.

God Bless,

JL

JL- I understand what you are saying about the D. But, if I do, she looses health benefits and could use that reasoning to ask for more support $, something I cant afford. For me, not filing for D is purely for financial reasons. Self-serving, yes, but necessary for me I think. To clarify, WW isnt dating other men, I'm certain of that, but I do know that there were a few others besides OM during the last year. I dont think anything physical happened, but she made an effort to be with them nonetheless.

There are times when the WS discovers that exactly what they threw away...and have true regrets and remorse...and it's just too late. The BS has traveled too far on their own healing path to be willing to turn back. It's sad, it's a shame, but it's the way it is.

As for the statements during drinking. Yes, you must take them with a lot of salt. Yet, liquid courage does happen. It gives us a backdoor to escape out of if we say what is truly in our hearts and minds, but the fear of how it will be received is overwhelming. I've often used it to say things to my H which had laid in my heart for too long. She maybe telling you something she wants you to know.

It doesn't sound from your post that you're willing to try to reclaim the marriage. THIS IS OK! As I said earily...sometimes it's just too late.

Good Luck!

hmmm ... this is a sad irony, no?

Wippit- yes, it is a sad irony. I can still remember right after DDay WW telling me that OM and her are destined to be together, that he is the one for her and that I should accept this and move on with my life. And now, here I am telling her that she needs to move on without me.

This was so unexpected that it has thrown me for a loop, I really didnt think she would ever get to that point, especially after everything that has happened. I moved back into the house at the end of September and things were pretty much status-quo up until a few weeks ago. Maybe me being around again full time and seeing how much I have changed (I wasnt Plan A-ing, just being who I am now) got her interested in me again. The first time she mentioned getting back together was after she spent the evening with a friend whose H passed away a few years ago and was just getting back into the dating game. I guess that could have made her open her eyes a little bit. She did mention that she is scared of being alone for the rest of her life. Kinda of weird because that was one of my fears after DDay but now I know I could be comfortable being on my own, have been for the last 2 years.

A close friend of mine said that since I plan on staying in the house for 1-2 years I should really make sure and see if the feelings are still there or if I have just stuffed them away. This friend, who knows MB principals, mentioned how feelings can be relearned and how intimacy can be restored if both sides are willing to do the work necessary, said "What if she becomes the wife you married, the one you fell in love with?" Maybe it could happen, I know that can, I've seen it happen right here on this board. But even if it did, I just know I dont have it in me to make it work anymore. I think if I did, I'd just be setteling for something that I really dont want.

It makes me sad, sad for me, for WW and for my kids, that things have turned out the way they have, but it is the reality of the situation. I just wish there could be a better ending to this story.

Take care all.

I understand the financial reasons why you want to stay in the house for 1 or 2 yrs, but IMHO, staying there for those reasons is wrong. If you're done with your marriage, be done. It's not fair to you, your W or your kids. WS's get blasted around here all the time for staying in a marriage they don't want for financial reasons or because they don't want to give up the lifestyle they have. You will not truly be able to move on with your life living under the same roof.

I have to wonder if you are truly done with your marriage. In spite of what you say, you're posting this for a reason. What's to prevent your W from filing for D? If she does, you'll have to have the financial repurcussions before you are ready. Do what you need to and truly move on with your life if that's really what you want.

sad dad

LHS,

Funny how when a WS shows 'signs' of coming to their senses, we (mostly the BS, family and friends) are skepitcal. Yet we all so want to believe it. Often this leads to one disappointment after another (false recovery, etc.)

I used what I have personally dubbed the 'onis techinique'. Putting the ownership/responsiblity on the one who needs to come back. The family has not moved. It is still there. The one who estranged themselves is the one who must 'convince' the family that they really want their family back. Now in this time, it is important for the family (especially the BS) not to raise the stakes too high. Set reasonable goals.

Remember now you and your family should be seeing and reaping the rewards of a true recovery. In other words, the WS must work hard to convince the BS and family that they really mean it and not just idle talk.

It took a lot of weight off my shoulders when I put that onis techinque on H. In fact he did not regain his 'H' title until much later in the recovery and due to some bad stuff, lost that title a few times inbetween. See it is not all positive, there are some backslides to be had in most recovery modes. However, sine the Ws is put on notice to show their valud and 'put their $$ where they mouth is', then the WS is the one to do most of the work. Oh yea, they complain but I reminded my WS, 'hey you put yourself their, it is up to you to come back, we haven't moved remember?!?!?' WS agreed.

JMHO,
L.