Luki-

Just wanted to let you know that you are CARED about.

I think it's pretty great that your In Law's are supporting you. Unfortunately, that can be a double edged sword in your wife's eyes.

It's funny, but after reading everyone's posts to you, I was running the idea of getting a key made for MY house and moving back in! I would LOVE to see the fallout from that! At this point, I don't have anything to lose. I suppose I might get arrested or something.....Sometimes it's just fun to fantasize about.....

Anyway, give it time....let your emotions run their course before you make a decision.

Also - doesn't it strike you that your wife's complaints about you were that you weren't able to support yourself while in school? Look at the BOZO she's dating now? See a pattern? Look at this objectively. Try to figure out what "NEED" this situation is fiiling in her. It is obviously something that she needs to address because that "R" will end with her complaining about the same things......

Just food for thought.

kily,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Try to figure out what "NEED" this situation is fiiling in her. It is obviously something that she needs to address because that "R" will end with her complaining about the same things...... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her needs are affection and conversation. He is meeting those needs. While he is meeting those needs, he doesn't meet all of them. He is a crutch and I think he knows this. Hence the impatience that is starting to show.

I hope that he will keep on forcing her to a decision.

I have been reading your saga kily and I think you are doing the right thing by staying at work at little longer. It seems that there were to many unknowns with totally bailing on work.

I am going to have to make a decision as well about finding a new job. I am not happy doing what I am doing but it pays well, and it is a stable position. So I will stay until I feel I am fit enough to change jobs.

Hang in there.

Luki-
YOU mentioned or someone did , that moving back may force W to shack up with OM . OK I know it would be a killer to you , BUT if that happened wouldn't that be a reality check on real life not FANTASY and maybe if they where playing house she would see all his true colars "LOOSER" . Just another to think about .

ONLY POSTING THIS 1 TIME !!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Luki -

There is MORE there than those few needs- Try to look beyond the basic Harley needs.

She needs something from a guy that "in her mind" can't take care of himself - apparently in the financial department......

As soon as you were close to finding financial independance she cut ties.....WHY?

Maybe I'm looking too far into this, or misunderstood your sitch. with her.....

kily,

I truly believe that those are the needs she ranks 1 and 2. The financial thing and recreational stuff is in there too. We are as close to the Harley model as you can get, IMO.

I think she cut ties because of all the anger and pain that I had caused had become to much regardless of what was about to happen on my end. The A is a good escape from all the pain, only we know that it will cause more in the end.

She is going to have to let this anger go before we can work on things. When the anger starts to subside then the A and the OM will be on the outs. That's what I can see at this point. this has been a slow and agonizing time but "the end is nigh". I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what it is going to be like but it is coming. I think I am playing my cards right. Regardless of the outcome, I will come out of this a better person. You guys have helped me see that. I give it 4 to 12 weeks for something to happen. The farther out we go in time the better for me, I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . I am in a place and a state of mind where I can wait, at least for now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I'm not ready to bet the farm yet.

You know the song:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin', when the dealin's done
Every gambler knows that the secret to survive is
Knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep
'Cos every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser
And the best that you can hope for is that I end asleep...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are some universal truths in there. I hope I provided a little laugh for everyone on this gray day(at least where I am).

Luki I rarely post. Perhaps you should ask Kily about the soundness of my advice. By the way, it is not free advice--it has come at a huge price. I want you to prayerfully consider what I am about to recommend you do. As soon as possible, in a legal and calm manner move your things and yourself into your home. Contact your wife and tell her when you will be doing this and the time you will need to complete this task. You must be prepared legally and physically to carry this out before you make contact. You are not requesting, checking it out or seeking approval. You are simply informing her. The fence you are sitting on exists in a yard you should not and normally would not find in your life at all. You are enabling your wife. No amount of mental masturbation will change that fact. You can post,pray and dream all you like--I know it helps you feel better about what's going on. OUR self esteem is so shattered during these trying times that we BS's end up in our own fog. We hold up our ideas in a mirror that is grotesquely warped (the backround is the affair and all it's awful fallout). We tell ourselves these compromises must be the right thing to do to make things right, after all she chose to do these things-there must be a lot wrong with me. Perhaps there are things you should work on to be better for this woman or anyone else. We all at anytime in our lives could strive for improvement. The facts(which you are naturally and unfortunately blind to) remain and you must respond to them even if--no ecspecially if you feel uneasy about the best course to pursue. Do you really believe at this point in your emotional life that you can possibly read or feel the correct thing to do? I would imagine any counselor that stopped short of advising you to move home did so because of YOUR hesitancy and fear of doing so. Do you think your wife or any other woman would desire to be attracted to and STAY attracted to a man who would move out and stay out of his home while this went on? Do you think you will be comfortable in your own skin should you win your wife back? Are you really taking the best care of you by your current tack? I believe the fear you have of short-term fallout is clouding what you KNOW is best for the long term. Luki, do this calmly, legally and soon. It will end up the best for all people involved and in the end you will be able to respect yourself. Inner peace first, then look to give it away. God Bless.

Alot of tough questions here. I'll try my best to answer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you really believe at this point in your emotional life that you can possibly read or feel the correct thing to do? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, more so than at any other time in my life. I have been suffering from depression since long before any of this happened. That was clouding my judgement than but no longer. I am winning that battle and in doing so I have come to know myself and my judgements and I am able to distiguish what is emotionally driven and what is not. I am emotionally driven to return home and that is not rational. I'll elaborate on that in a while.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would imagine any counselor that stopped short of advising you to move home did so because of YOUR hesitancy and fear of doing so.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not so. I presented my plan about going back to our counselor in a one on one session. I went in there fully convinced and w/o any hesitation. However this was fueled by bitterness about how she convinced me to leave without admitting to an A. He said that although I may have the moral capital to do go haome I do not have the emotional capital. She doesn't want a relationship with me right now and I do. That puts her in the drivers seat, unfortunately. If I went back that would be the end of it in his opinion. Right or wrong, to her, the A and my not being there are two separate issues. We all know that this is flawed logic but it is what she feels.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you think your wife or any other woman would desire to be attracted to and STAY attracted to a man who would move out and stay out of his home while this went on? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, the A and my not being there are two separate issues to her. From the information I have gather which I know to be credible, the A is running it's course. If I went back that would simply add fuel to fire. Patience is the key.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you think you will be comfortable in your own skin should you win your wife back?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, in fact I already am. She lied to me and she will have to live in her own skin. I believe that is all coming home to roost. No sense in interfering with that. I have done my part to better myself. That is all I can do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you really taking the best care of you by your current tack? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, without a doubt. I am in my own place working on the things that I need work on. I am enjoying the time I have. Whatever happens I am going to be alright in the long run.

Thanks for the questions. They are very thought provoking, hence my delay in replying.

IRRATIONAL??!!! Luki, The only thing irrational about your living arrangements is that YOU aren't living in YOUR house. Check your sig line and remember back to 9-2002. You made a huge mistake by leaving then. When you decide you FEEL like you want to change this then do it! Just more mental masturbation. Good luck and God Bless.