FWH calls at 7 AM this morning (3rd shifter)....letting me know that he was gonna work 4 hrs ot. FOW also works there, and he picked up my hesitation as the fear flooded me. He reassured me that she was not around, said feel free to call and check or drive on over and leave truck if you want car. SUV sucks gas you know.....

When he got home...he was a little bothered by my fear. My explanation- You've been very good about coming straight home after work, and have been accountable for all of your time. This has been one of my few opportunities to show you that you ARE doing the right things, and re-gaining some trust. The more often I do this, the better it will get.....

Then he asks, if you have all of this fear, then why are you here? Why don't you just leave?

Answer- Because my love for you means more to me than the fear or the pain. As long as the right things are happening, I can keep the fear from conquering the love. In the absence of fear, the pain is healing. I know you wish it were faster, but it IS happening....I didn't call, didn't drive over there, just kinda worried to myself, and didn't give in to my fears. That was HARD!! Told him that I didn't like the parts of myself that had the fear, or felt the pain, and he damn well know that I'd give almost anything to have them gone forever. I then restated that our marraige meant more to me then pain, or fear, or guilt, and for us to be happier than before this disaster, and stronger as a couple was my goal.

We also talked about the guilt he's flooded with when I'm crying, or fearful....I used the callous analogy I saw somewhere else on this great forum....that I felt that working thru them was the only way for them to be dissolved to the greatest extent possible.

For the first time, he didn't get angry, didn't accuse me of deliberately trying to make him feel guilty...didn't say, "let's just get on with life"...he just kinda teared up a little, held me and said "I love you, and I'm so sorry...."

Does he finally "get it"?? Yay!! I'm hoping so!

Might I say, congratulations to you? I see this as a victory for YOU! Why? Because you were able to approach a sensitive situation, express your feelings, have him understand your feelings, and NO BIG BLOW UP!! That means you have probably learned a better way to discuss your problems with your H than you had before.

We've made some huge strides in this area recently in our marriage too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HelenWheels:
<strong>
When he got home...he was a little bothered by my fear. I do this, the better it will get.....
Told him that I didn't like the parts of myself that had the fear, or felt the pain, and he damn well know that I'd give almost anything to have them gone forever. I then restated that our marraige meant more to me then pain, or fear, or guilt,</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Helen,

Instead of inapproprately "disliking" yourself for a NATURAL, SANE REACTION, why not ask him to work harder to rebuild the trust that he destroyed? It is a natural, healthy reaction to distrust an untrustworthy person, it is not a personal failing. You would be INSANE to trust him after what he has done. On the other hand it IS a personal failing to have an affair, which naturally destroys trust.

It will take him YEARS to reprove himself to you. Hopefully, he understands that he has ALOT of work to do before he can ever expect to be treated like a trustworthy person again.

If you are willing to SETTLE for someone like him, then he needs to get to work and do the things necessary to rebuild what HE has destroyed. And sitting around and DEMANDING something he absolutely DOES NOT deserve will not establish trust.

He is inappropriately expecting to be treated the same as a trustworthy person and therein lies the problem, Helen, *NOT* with you.

Helen,

This is progress but remember it is just a step in the road to recovery....ok several steps and you should be happy.....not jumping for joy yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My H got to that point also. He sees that anger is not productive. I have shared with him that he needs to prove to me that I can trust him. Whenever he kinda goes off a bit, I gently remind him that the onis (ownership) is on him. He gets it and doesn't get angry. Sometimes I need to ask him what would he do if it was me? He then smiles and says he would not have been as forgiving..... then we seem to be on the same page.

Keep it up..... you are both doing fine.

take care,
L.